There Is No Way To Hide The Truth Anymore

Before I start this blog, I am going to apologize up front... these past two months have been very hard and emotional for me ... I knew I could not go on the way I was and that I had to make some serious changes in my life.  I feared those changes because I suspected where they would take me, or rather take me away from.  I was right and today brought that home to me... have you ever came to a realization that you were never as important to someone as they were to you? 

I think I knew that for a very long time but I didn't want to see that so I hid it behind food and other addictions... it was easier that way, then I didn't have to feel that pain too.... this whole week has been leading up to today and I have been feeling it come, oh how I wanted to stop it, how I wanted to change the outcome.  That would mean giving into one of my many addictions... I don't just have one, I have many.  I think that is why when I took up exercising that I took it to a whole new level for me... I needed to make it an addiction, something I could pour myself into so that I wouldn't be able to think.

However; my body has different ideas and has been setting limits for me and it won't allow me to walk as much as I want to... it takes over and makes me rest... no matter how hard I try to push.  I am very determined not to go back to unhealthy eating so I sit her contemplating what I can do to take the pain away?  Nothing comes to mind, feeling it is all that I can do and let me tell you, it is hell to feel it... knowing I was never as important to someone as I believed that I was... I just want to get up and walk for hours to de-stress myself... but my body has other ideas. 

Instead I am writing, trying to get every awful and sad emotion out so that I don't give into any of my addictions from the past.  My tenacity has taken over and won't allow me to fall back into the darkness even though it was a much easier place to handle emotionally...  instead, all I can do is write or cry... my choice is writing at the moment, for I have cried so much in the past while that I wonder how many tears a person can have?

I am truly grateful that I have chosen to eat and live healthy, for as easy as it seemed to live with all my addictions, they just masked all the awful feelings I had inside... maybe if I had dealt with them awhile ago... I wouldn't be just now coming to the conclusions I have come to this week. Also, the fact that I will be turning 50 in a little more than two weeks really has me pondering my life.  All the choices I have made, all the time I have wasted.  It's almost surreal to be so close to half a century old and yet not feel like that inside. 

I am blessed to have great genes so that I don't look my age, which I love since I do not feel anywhere near that age.  As my oldest Andrea would say, I act like a teenager... I like to think I act a little more like I'm in my twenties... but she's right I definitely don't act my age, nor do I want to... I see women my age or a little older and I think why are you letting yourself go?  Is it really all that much effort to color your hair, put a little make up on, find a cute outfit...?  I don't even do this for a man... there is no man in my life and I find it hard to believe there ever will be, I do this for me... I don't want to give into my age and say oh well, who cares what I look like, I care... I like to look my best.

Anyway, I am going to lie down, take a nap and ponder what I learned today... Just because I am not important to someone as much as they were to me... doesn't mean I am not important... It just hurts learning the truth and having nothing I can hide it with...

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥