When Will It Not Be Enough?

I read a great blog this morning... I actually read many great blogs... this one touched me though as I could empathize with her even though I do not have her disorder.  I could liken this unto me with my own disorders.  She feels like I do, that if she could find a healthy outlet, that life would be a little easier.... like I feel I have found with walking/jogging/running... also writing my blog gives me an outlet ...  She asked us what we did as healthy outlets?

I thought this is easy for me, I blog... writing has been something that has helped me immensely over the past few years.  I essentially started this blog to give myself a voice after my ex Andrey had raped me, I was so overwhelmed with all the emotions that come from trying to hold that in... When it first happened, I tried to push it to the back burner and prove it wasn't going to control me... I was going to be stronger than that one night. The truth though is that when we don't deal with the issue at hand, it festers and comes out in more destructive ways.

So, writing became my lifeline... I didn't write a lot and my first couple of years of entries were mainly for my own eyes, some people read my blog but mainly a few friends and family... I didn't promote my blog anywhere but on Facebook occasionally... I didn't really put it out there until February 2012 when I started joining blogging forums  and gained real followers.  It was about then that I started reading and commenting on other peoples blogs and I found some talented writers who I still follow to this day.  My reasons for blogging had changed though, I was dealing with the break up of my David and me.  Believe me I was not handling it well, I still don't handle it all that well...

About 6-7 weeks ago, I became real with myself and admitted that blogging was not enough, I was masking my pain with destructive outlets.  I knew that if I didn't change that right then and there that I would only slip deeper into the destructive outlets and I might never be able to rise above them.  So, I started walking, at first it was hard... I was lucky to be able to walk for 15-20 minutes without losing my breath completely.  However; something inside me kept me moving forward, I started challenging myself but walking hills and walking further... I was only into it a few days and I had downloaded MapMyWalk... and this encouraged me to walk even more.

Of course the contest had come around and because I am HIGHLY competitive... it fed into my healthy outlet I had taken on.  Today I am walking at a decent speed, up hills (without losing my breath), for long distances and now I am alternately walking/jogging and running.  I rarely find an excuse not to walk, if anything, I look for reasons to walk and I take longer alternate routes to give me a better work out.

Here is the thing, when I answered her question, I also said I walk for a healthy outlet but then I begin to wonder if that will always be enough... I mean... how long can I keep up walking 3-5 miles per day, if not walking then exercising at the gym.  When will it not be enough... even if it is a healthy outlet, it is something that masks the pain... Instead, I have to deal with the pain or it will always be there in behind whatever I do to try to cover it... I think today I am not ready but in the near future I know I will have to deal with it or it will spill out again and this time blogging and walking might not be able to contain the emotions.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥