Change Can Be Made In Time

The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore. 

I have had a couple of days where I have not been able to get out and really exercise like I want to.... It all started on Thursday morning when I jumped out of bed and rushed around getting prepared for work, I had so many things that had to be done.  One of them being going to the bank to be able to have the money to pay my sitter, it was pay day....  normally when I wake up, I lay in bed for 10-15 minutes just thinking, stretching and relaxing... then I start my day.  Anyhow, I left for my walk that I take in the morning and almost immediately I could feel that I was slower and my legs were not feeling themselves.  I decided to take it easy and only walked for 30 minutes and then bused it the rest of the way. 

By late afternoon I was feeling better and really put some effort into walking the near mile to the bus stop from my work, it felt good and I didn't think much more of my sore, tired legs from the morning... Until I got to the physiotherapist appointment about my knees.  She could tell almost immediately that my hamstrings were extremely tight and she massaged them out and made me promise to take it easy one day per week, maybe even two, so that I would give my legs a break.  Dutifully on Friday morning I took the bus to work but that was fine, it was weigh in day and I like to relax before I get weighed in.  I hopped on the scale and when I looked down, I was so shocked, yet very happy to see that I had taken another 3.6 pounds off, I am now at the 31.8 mark, all within 9 weeks.

I did walk some very short walks that day, totaling a little over two and half miles but nothing long... today I thought I might take a good long walk tonight but after a short walk to a couple of stores and after being in the grocery store, I knew I would have to give my legs another days break, otherwise I could injure them and than I could be out of commission a lot longer than a couple of days. I have to say, they are feeling so much better tonight, less stiff and rejuvenated. I will be back at it tomorrow, however; I don't plan to push myself as hard as I have in the recent past until I see that my legs are capable of handling the pressure.

I am really grateful for my legs, especially since I have had so many issues with them in the past ten months, starting with the weakness in my legs from the cholesterol pills I used to take to the injury I caused them by continuing to force myself to walk on them even though I barely had any strength in them... Then I ended up having surgery for the skin graft that needed to be fixed and I was unable to walk for almost eight weeks... All of these incidents remind me regularly how blessed I am that I have legs that I can walk with, so I am giving them a break and treating them with the care they need as I want to be able to walk for a very long time.

I am still dedicated to losing the weight and I am loving how great I feel... I don't even think I can begin to explain how wonderful I feel on the inside... I feel committed, strong, pleased and dedicated.... for once I am actually thinking of myself in a good way... I would definitely say that I thought about myself too much in the past but not in a good way.  I was always trying to find a way to cover one pain or another with methods that were never any good for me.   I thought each method was at least better than the pain... however; since I have been living my life without those so called pain eliminators... I have come to understand that the very things I did to cover the pain, only caused more pain.

I have been in a dark and sad place ever since my relationship with David didn't work out the way that it should have... the way it was meant to... I didn't want to deal with that pain... so I did everything not to feel it... In the last nine weeks I have had to feel it all, process it all.  I still cry sometimes because I know that without a doubt we were meant to be together, we were good together, we respected each other and there is real love between us.  However; David isn't in that place, he's in the place that is still dealing with his ex and all that she did to him and continues to do to him... He's not ready to move on from her completely and until he does, he will never be ready to have a real relationship with anyone.

I added this quote above in because at one time I thought David was near perfect, I came to realize that he wasn't and he never was... but I only loved him more once I knew

He told me that I gave people permission to treat me the way they did and that it was up to me to change that.... he does the same thing... the difference is that I have changed that and I expect to be treated better now and in the future.  He is my best friend, no matter what happens in the future and I think that it is a testament to the love we have for each other that we have been able to remain good, strong friends.  In the beginning of our relationship I was so sure that I was lucky to be with David, down the road... I changed that and I thought we were lucky to be with each other.... lately I think... David was lucky to have me...

I don't say that like I think I am the most wonderful person ever... however; no one will love David, not judge him, want the best for him and care about him as much as I do... I love him in a way that cannot just go away because I want it to... I will be there for him for the rest of my life, he is one of the first thoughts I have in the morning and he is one of the last thoughts I have at night... I am definitely going to Alberta in April... unless he changes his mind and comes home for Christmas.  I need to see him face to face.... maybe then change can be made....

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥