Having What I Deserve

The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore. 

I have been wanting to write all day, I had a busy day.  I actually got to sleep in for a bit, I was awake off and on from 6:30 am but I didn't get up until a little after 9:00 am.  So I decide today would be the day that I find a before picture and take an after picture of myself.  I didn't really see too much difference, although I know I have lost a great deal, I am less than a pound away from losing 40 pounds in 12 weeks.  I do see more definition but I think the first picture was taken at a great angle, my new one was taken face on. Anyhow, I am not discouraged, I am still on my weight loss journey and as I told David today, I will probably see it better in the next 12 weeks. (No, I have not shown my David a picture yet)

Anyhow, I did some general housework, such as laundry and dishes and I cooked a huge pot of spaghetti sauce for the up coming week... good lunches for both of us, mine going on rice though.  Then I took a short nap, I was really tired after this week, it has been really stressful and the next week coming up doesn't look a whole lot easier... especially with my David going in for surgery for sure on Monday.  I am not sure how I will work that day... I guess on auto pilot.  Couldn't I just fly up there and be with him?  I guess that isn't feasible... oh well, it was just a fleeting thought.

I have been thinking how little I valued myself for so many years, I wouldn't listen to other people when they tried to tell me that I was worth so much more... I listened to the words of people who didn't really matter. Why do we listen to the bad things and not the good things?  Maybe I should ask, why do I listen to the bad things and not the good things?  I say this because Andrey is allowed out for day passes and he has been by to see Valentina a lot.  I look at him and think, how did I ever allow myself to be involved with him, did I really think so little of myself?

I am in a place now that the honest truth is that anyone will have to jump through hoops of fire to be with me, I just won't accept less than I deserve.  If I am being honest and that is the only way I can be, of course I only want David ... but I don't want him at all costs... I'm not willing to sacrifice myself again ... I know that I did that, he never asked me to... I didn't think I was enough, I was sure I had to be an even better version of myself than I was... well... I was good enough, I just didn't believe it.

I really think losing the weight, becoming healthy and allowing myself to actually feel my emotions instead of covering them up with food and other things has opened my eyes a great deal. Today when something scary happens like my David almost having to have emergency surgery last Tuesday, I cleaned and I cried... I wrote... I didn't eat the fear, I let myself cry, that's what I have to do, I have to let myself feel.  Not always easy but definitely the only way I can handle anything hard going forward.

I went for a walk tonight and I have to say it was one of my tougher walks, when I first went out and felt the wind, I thought oh... this feels good.  That was until I started walking in the path of it and I felt like I was being slowed down.  Who knew the wind could slow you down?  I didn't, I ended up walking about two and a quarter miles, which was well below my five miles a day I have been getting.  However; I also realize I need to take a day or two per week where I don't push myself beyond my limits.  Today was one of those days, saying all that, I did walk at a rate of a little over fifteen and half minutes per mile.  I think sometimes I expect a lot more from myself than I do from others and I need to give myself a break with working out so hard all the time.

What I am going to work on this week and going forward is not to push myself so hard all the time, I need to be a little kinder, I need to remember that I am not twenty and that taking a day once and a while isn't lazy, it is good for me.  I am going to spend a lot more time stretching and self massaging my legs, my legs do a lot for me, they deserve to be treated better than constantly pushing them to see how fast and how far I can go. I am not giving up my exercise regime, I am just going to remember that I need to give myself a break from time to time, the world won't fall apart if do.  I won't gain five pounds because I take a day to myself, even if I did, it would be okay... but I know I won't.

The most important thing I want to remember is that I am worth much more than I allow myself to believe... I deserve better than I have ever settled for and I won't accept anything less than what I deserve going forward.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥