Facing What Is Real

The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore.

Some things have changed drastically in my life in the past week, hence why I took a break from blogging and social media.  All the changes were causing me to lose more sleep than I normally do and frankly I can barely function on the little bit of sleep I am usually able to get.  Add into that one more overly stressful issue and I was lucky to be getting a couple of hours of broken sleep each night, even with the sleeping pills my doctor had given me. Wednesday night I was near my breaking point, I had only slept two hours the night before and not all together, I then went to work because I am a single mama and I cannot afford to take off unpaid time, no matter what.  I also had set up some times to visit some ladies from our church earlier in the week for that night.

I know I could have cancelled and I had thought about it as my nerves were raw and the smallest thing could send me over the edge.  I went for the visits though and I ended up being grateful that I did, it changed my perspective on an issue that I felt so totally out of control with... I was told about a talk that was given at one of our church functions; many times I have been told about talks and thought... hmmm, I should read that, this one really peaked my curiosity.  I came away from the visits exhausted but uplifted and when I got home, I took a sleeping pill and drifted off to sleep, now I didn't sleep through the whole night but I definitely got more rest then the previous nights.  On the way to work, I searched for the talk on my phone and read it, it resonated with me in a way it may not have for other people.

That is the thing about talks, each of us gets different information and ideas as they pertain to our situations. What I learned from this talk is that this earthly life is a blip, it is just here for the now, the eternity is what is important and everything works itself out in the eternities... What I mean by that is that just because something does not work out the way we want it to here, does not mean that it won't be different there.  So I wrote on my Facebook wall, 'Yours for now, mine for an eternity' ... some people questioned me about what this meant.  For me, it means I need to stop worrying about now and everything will take care of itself. Nothing more, nothing less. 

I also need to write another thing, in this day of information and technology, unless you are just talking to someone, everything is documented somewhere.  I know that and this is why I am very careful about what I say and who I say it to.  I only speak my heart to people that I truly trust ... as well if anyone says anything to me, they can know that it will never go anywhere... I can be trusted fully.  Unfortunately I have trusted the wrong people in the past but I have lived and learned through that, that is why I now have a very small circle of trusted friends.

I see my doctor in November again and I am going to talk to her about seeing someone I can talk to ... On the council of a very good and trusted friend, I am going to find someone I can talk to about all of the changes that I have had to deal with in the past couple of years.  This good friend is right, it is always good to speak to someone who is not emotionally involved in your situation, it could give a new light on some trials and issues I have had to deal with... I am really grateful that there is not the stigma that there used to be about getting counselling like there was many years ago.  Only good can come from this, if anything it will give me a safe place to say all that I feel.

My blog is kind of that place, only it is opened to whoever wants to read it... which is fine, I will always write here openly and honestly as that is who I am.  I think I need to reiterate something here, just to make myself totally clear.  I am losing weight and I am continuing on my path to lose weight and get healthy for me and for me alone.  I am NOT doing this for anyone, as I have stated to some people, if I was doing this for someone or something, I would not be able to sustain it.... I am doing this for me.

Also, my blog is about how I feel inside, that is why it goes up and down, I write down whatever I am feeling at any given time... I write from the heart and maybe I shouldn't always write what is in my heart all the time. Unfortunately that is me, I write what I feel, I also say what I feel too... I know that it can be hard for people, especially the people that are close to me.  I will make a concerted effort to not write about those people so much in the future but I will always write about myself.  This is where I have my voice, Andrey and other people tried to take that away from me in the past...

As with life, friendships go in up and down phases too... I believe if you are really friends, that time will work out any issues that might come between you.  Just as life issues get worked out in time... I make mistakes, we all make mistakes but I believe in forgiving and I believe that I can be forgiven too.  Sometimes when we are hurting on the inside, it blinds us to what is real.  We don't always want to see the real because it can hurt a lot but I am looking at the real, I am facing it, if I didn't I couldn't be successful in my life style changes.