Always Reaching

The only thing that matters now is my mission, nothing will stand in my way anymore.

Before I was going to write last night, I thought I might get to my reading list but I ended up deciding to write first, then have an early night and sleep in hopefully... then get into my reading.  Do you sometimes find that with each good thing we get into our life, something else happens to complicate it?  I know I have to deal with challenges, otherwise I will never grow to my potential but sometimes it feels like the bad outweighs the good. 

Here is the good and actually I would say it was the great... as of today, I am in One der land, I have not seen a number on a scale that did not have a two in front of it for almost 30 years of my life.  When I think about that, I feel sad for that girl from the past, I had no self worth or self esteem... I definitely tried a few times over the years to lose the weight.  I was successful at times but I never got under the elusive 200, that is always the tough number... in the past I gave up and put the weight back on, today I pushed through and I reached my second goal, the first one being losing 50 pounds. To date I have lost 70 pounds, I have maybe another 20 pounds to take off.

That was a wonderful thing that happened to me in this year because with the weight loss, I started to gain my self esteem back and then came my self worth.  When I look in the mirror today, I like the body image I see... I think the last time I really did that was when I was 16, after that I just gained the weight year after year, losing some... gaining back more.  What is different about this time you might be thinking, that would be the exercising that I am doing along with eating healthy.  As well, I want it... I am dedicated and I am not letting anything get in my way.

Then along comes the challenges that I am really not going to get into because no one can make them right for me... suffice to say I sometimes wonder how I am still standing.  I remember when I was 16 years old and my grandmother told me how she thought I was one of the most tenacious people she knew.  It stuck with me as my nan wasn't one to hand out compliments very often, she was very kind and sweet though.  I remembered that through each challenge I have had, I have held on with tenacity.

I am beginning to believe I had to go through all that to be able to handle the ones I have been given this year.  Unfortunately it isn't just one... but that is life, I have to figure out how to find the joy from the pain that will eventually make me stronger than I am today.  I know this because every time I have dealt with something overwhelming I have been sure I could not handle the pain but I did of course and I became stronger.  That is why at the moment although it seems like I have been handed one too many things to deal with, in reality I just have to figure out a way through them... So I can see what I should be reaching for next.