Starting Today

I have been wanting to sit down and write for the last few days but life has been extremely busy with the holidays... when I finally had some time to relax, I chose to catch myself up with everyone's blog and I have taken a great deal of time to think. I really have never been one that sits down on New Years Eve and makes resolutions, although I do believe in making goals because if I don't make some sort of goals, I flounder around.

I have used excuses in the past couple of months for not exercising, not eating healthy, not being present... I had my course, my new changes at work and of course Christmas... However, as I thought about it over the past couple of days, I knew that they were only excuses to give myself permission to do as I pleased, I decided today that I am not letting anymore excuses get in my way.

Starting today, I will be eating better, I will be filling in my food journal on My Fitness Pal... I will also be walking/exercising as much as I can and I will be tracking this on Map My Walk again. This Winter seems to be more mild and I couldn't be happier, so I am going to use the nicer weather while I can to get myself started back on track.

This past year I rid myself of excess items, I have a lot more that I need to let go of before I actually move this Summer. My motto lately is about becoming minimalistic about things, I don't feel the need to have excess items, they just take up space and clutter my life. I am downsizing in so many ways and actually looking forward to it...

I also want to take my last payroll course this year which I will likely do this Spring, after year end and before I am in the craziness of moving this Summer... Then I can look at other options and who knows where they will lead me. Although change is extremely difficult, especially when it is handed to us... it really is a good thing, it is just not always easy to see that when we are in the middle of it...

2014 was a year of ups and downs in many ways, I started off the year unable to sleep... that lasted for nine long months but I finally found a way to get more rest. It was a year of learning, constant polishing... wondering if I would get passed all the trials.  There are still some I am working on, others that I got through... and through this whole year I held on to hope.

Hope that all the challenges and changes I had to deal with would eventually make sense one day... I still hold on to that... It is that hope that I have held on to that made me think about what I have been doing in my life and where it was leading me? ... It then led me to think about how hard I had worked to get to where I am today and how I was throwing away all the hard work. My question to myself of course was why? ...

The answer was that I allowed myself to slide so that I could numb myself in whatever way I could find, just so that I wouldn't have to feel. Thankfully, I know that I just had to decide to get back on track and with some hard work, I will be even better than I was in the past. I am well aware that I am going to have to deal with feelings, which I am hoping will be easier now that there is less chaos in my life.

My new motto each morning to myself is 'Starting Today' I will or will not do one thing for the day.... I never want to go back to where I was... which means that I have to make the necessary changes... the key word is 'I'... So, starting today, I am going to be accountable to myself.

I thank each of you for reading and or commenting, it has been a wonderful year of growing new and old friendships over the internet, you all made me feel less alone....  I want to take this opportunity to wish all of my readers a very Happy New Year... I hope 2015 brings you all joy and peace❤

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Christmas This Year

Our Christmas tree, 2014

I have had another busy week at work, thankfully I had a little time to decorate the tree with Valentina... I completed my shopping, now baking and wrapping. I am thinking of begging someone else to do the wrapping as I don't have a fondness for it, I am usually wrapping on Christmas eve. I might actually have it all done by this weekend, that would be great, then I can just relax and enjoy my time off.

I read a couple of blogs that were writing about their goals for 2015, which has inspired me to think about the goals I want to set for myself. I don't care much for New Year's resolutions as I think the day we decided to change a behavior or do something good for ourselves is the right day for us. I also know from past experience that there are going to be many bumps on the road to my goals but it is the road I want to travel, so I will deal with the bumps as they show up.

I wanted to also take a moment to wish everyone a very Merry Christmas or any holiday you may observe... I wish you all much joy and happiness. I have been deeply touched by many of you over the last year as I dealt with my world being turned upside down, you reached out and gave me a little hope that one day it wouldn't be so difficult.

I won't be writing again until after Christmas, I want to spend as much time as I can with Valentina making memories, I am excited to see the look on her face when she opens her gifts. I never spend a lot of money but she is one of the most grateful little girls and this year I was able to get a few items she had been hoping for. . .  so I know she will be a little more excited this year.

My tree turned out beautiful after a small mishap... the first time we decorated, it fell over... it's back up though and all redecorated, I will share more of them on my media when Valentina is unwrapping her gifts. I will be back after Christmas but I will be checking in with you all when I can before that...

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Opening My Heart To Trust

I have had an extremely busy weekend, I bought our real tree, we have it up with all the lights on it and we are decorating it tomorrow, I will be posting it on my social media. It is a really pretty tree and has a wonderful pine scent. I did a lot of shopping, just a few more items to get and I had general house hold items to keep up with...

I was able to catch up with a little of my reading and I read some really amazing posts, this particular blog stood out this week. Mainly because this weekend is the three year anniversary since 'he' came to Halifax and spent Christmas and New Years with me. Today I am in a better place than I was a year ago and for that I am completely grateful... I have new challenges and that is okay... it's the only way to grow.

So, I read this and it resonated with me because it was definitely how I felt about trusting anyone again. I had jumped in with both feet with 'him', not fearing where I would land and even when it didn't work out romantically, I never believed we would not  be friends... yet that happened...

Here is what S wrote from her blog .As Far As The Eye Can See .. the title is the damage is done. It made me think hard about broken trust and how it changes us ... I was there a short year ago, wondering if I would ever be able to trust anyone again. I never let myself get too excited about dating, if a guy called, he called... if he didn't he didn't. I have dated a few guys but no one special, after reading this, I knew why... I had lost my desire to trust and I didn't expect it from anyone anymore.

the damage is done.

i don't take promises from anyone anymore
that is what you did to me.
i do not look expectantly at my

phone
when someone tells me they'll call
then decide they won't.
and when people come to me with wide eyes and excited smiles
i turn away.
i do not memorize what it's like
to touch a body with just the tips of my fingers.
i remember what it was to train my mind to forget
what skin feels like, traced over
on mornings
half asleep.
and that is enough
to not hold on to promised words
from promising lips
any longer.
S.

Although this resonated with me as this was exactly how had been feeling, I wasn't able to verbalize it until I read this... I also took this as an opportunity to remember that if I truly want to feel joy, I am going to have to learn to trust again. I am going to have to take a chance. For the first time in a very long time, I want to try again... this time I will expect more and I will open my heart to trust.

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A Letter To My Mother

The main thing that stood out for me while I was studying was the feeling I had to write a letter to my mother, my mom passed away in February 2009. I had been very close to her over the years, I didn't grow up with her from the age of six until I was fifteen but she and I became extremely close ... the year before she died we didn't talk as much as we used as life kept us both very busy and we were on opposite sides of North America. I was in Halifax, she was in Salem.

Lately I wish I could talk to her, she of all people I know would have understood what I was going through... I remember when I met her at the age of fifteen and we connected, she answered so many questions that I had.  I was able to hear the stories from when I was younger ... what I remember the most was how much she loved my father, how her eyes lit up and how happy she was... 

I also remember when things didn't work out for them a couple of years later and how very devastated she was, thinking back it breaks my heart. She was only 47 when they separated but she decided at that time to never date again and she didn't. She never stopped loving my father though and there was even a time that my parents talked about getting back together but my mother had come to a point that she wanted everything on her terms, my father wasn't capable of giving her what she wanted and they went their separate ways.

I love my mother ... at the time I thought why didn't she bend a little to have what she always wanted? Today I understood, today I realized she had known her worth and that anything less then her terms would have been settling. The only thing I will do differently is that I am willing to give someone else a chance, not every man is out to break my heart. There are honest, kind caring men ... not all men lie.

You know what I remember the most about my mom... was that she didn't talk badly about other people. My dad gave her good excuse over the years but she never talked poorly of him, this was the way she was with the people in her life. I do aspire to be that way with the people in my life too. It is not always easy when someone hurts us, however; the alternative wouldn't bring peace either. I am grateful I have learned that quality from my mother. 

I missed all of you, when I could read I kept up that way but I did take a lot of time to study and prepare for my test... which I passed, I was thrilled as you can all imagine.  I had thought about diving in and taking my next course but I have decided that I will do that one in the Spring. It is pretty intense being a mama, working and taking a course... it left me very little time for me. The whole time I was off studying, all I wanted to do was write... I had some really inspiring moments. 

I will be by to visit you all over the next couple of days, I can't wait to catch up. I also wanted to thank you all for your good thoughts and prayers... this is an emotional time for me as it is for many people but I am not going to wallow in the sadness, I am going to immerse myself in the good parts of this season and keep myself busy by giving. By this time next week, I will have my tree up and decorated... I am really looking forward to Christmas this year...

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A Two Week Break For Me

My new haircut after having 6-8 inches cut off

I am going to take a blog and social media break for the next two weeks, that is not going to be easy for me but it is needed. I love reading blogs, commenting on them and using social media to promote them when I am inspired to do so. However; for me, I am an all or nothing kind of girl and I spend more time reading blogs then I do studying. Well, it is a lot more fun but it won't get me a passing mark.

I am going to miss all of you, I am even deleting all my apps off my phone in the morning so that I will not be tempted to log into them. I promise you all if you do leave a comment here; when my exam is over, I will drop by to visit and comment on your blogs. Otherwise, I will just start fresh with my blogs when I come back as there will be no catching up after two weeks.

Did I tell you I am going to miss you all, with the past few weeks you all know how emotionally difficult this time has been for me with all the memories of 'Him', I have been so grateful for so many of you who have reached out to me through all the different media sites I am on, not to mention all the beautiful comments. A couple of examples, there are many... I had a sweet reader from England who asked if she could mail me something and she sent me the sweetest card that made me cry and lifted me up at the same time. Another reader from Australia who tweets me daily to check on me, I love all our conversations, we are like best friends even with the distance. There are so many more of you that are always there for me and I can never, ever thank you enough.

I will most certainly be back after my exam is written but for now, I really have to focus and that means I have to make hard choices for myself... otherwise in two weeks I may not be prepared and then I would be disappointed in myself.... I don't like disappointing anyone ... not even myself... So... I am off to prepare to study for the next few weeks... have an awesome two weeks and thank you all again for the wonderful support you continually give me. Two weeks is going to feel like an eternity...

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A Year From Now

The next few weeks are going to be insanely busy for me, I have my final exam I am taking in less then three weeks, so I will be studying every night until the final. I am still going to take a little time for myself to read blogs but I probably won't be able to comment as much as usual or write another post until then. I hope you all understand, once the exam is over I will be back to normal.

It's good though as the next few weeks are full of memory dates that hopefully I will be to busy to even notice any of them. Then as soon as I am finished the exam, I will be going full force with decorating my house and getting my first real Christmas tree in over twenty years. I am kind of excited, I had stopped getting real ones because I didn't want to worry about having to purchase a tree every year... this year I decided it was worth the extra effort to really go all out and make this year special. 

Valentina and I have been making plans of what we want to bake ... we are also making a list of people we want to deliver the treats to, we plan to take a few days around Christmas to drop over and visit people and give them a little special treat we made together. Valentina is very excited and I am too, I need to do something for other people so that I won't be thinking about myself and the dates filled with memories.

Usually I have Christmas dinner at home with Valentina but my sister has invited us over to her place with my niece and nephew and their families. I was so thrilled when she asked us to come over; first, I get to spend the holidays with my family and second I don't have to cook. By next year we will be moved as that is high on my list of priorities this summer, then hopefully I can host a Christmas dinner at my new place next year.

I am making the changes I need to make so that my holidays won't be the sad reminders they have been for the past couple of years.... I have known logically that I needed to make changes, I just didn't have what it took to make them... until now. I wish I had made them earlier but at least I am making the decision today...

I am not going to beat myself up for not deciding this earlier as feeling guilty won't change the past, it will only leave me feeling defeated and sad... as Maya Angelou said...  When you know better... you do better..

I've been thinking about how I finally made the decision to lose the weight, I had decided that I didn't want to be in the same place a year from then... It's the same thing here... in a year from now, I don't want to be thinking about the past memories of what ifs...  I want to be planning a wonderful Christmas without any sad memories taking over... Making new memories today will help me succeed even better next year...

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The Past Does Not Define Me

I've been floating around lately, not committing to anything... my thinking had been if I didn't make a commitment, I wouldn't fail. However; if I don't make a commitment to something, I won't just risk staying in the same space... I will risk going backwards.

So, today I have made a step forward ... this step has been one I have 'tried' before but never committed to... This is an ongoing lesson that I have had to learn time and again. It makes me question why I have had to relearn the same concept over and over? For me to be successful I need to commit fully, otherwise I won't move forward, I'll slide back. I have worked too hard this past year and a half to give up on myself now.

This time of the year is difficult for many people, for me it is a reminder of many dates and memories that although wonderful are painful to deal with... I've decided that I'm going to immerse myself in the holidays this year. I don't plan to go overboard with the money as that isn't the spirit I'm looking for.

I'm looking at being of service to others who need me. I want to decorate, bake for others and invite people over to bring the joyful feeling in my home. I have an idea of something that Valentina and I will be doing to bring that feeling into our home and hearts more. 

I'm not giving into the sad moments this year... I'm immersing myself in the upcoming season and remembering the true reason for this time of year. For me it is not about the gifts at all, it's the feelings it can bring.

I have allowed that amazing holiday with 'him' to stop me from making new and better memories. That is changing this year, both Valentina and I deserve better than past memories, we are making new ones together. The past will not define who I am in the future, the present will.

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Change Begins With Me

I have gone back and forth with writing for a few days now, there has been another change for me this week and I didn't handle it well... unfortunately that is the way I am, I have been working on that but it takes time. When sudden and life altering changes happen, I freak out but I always get to the stage where I work out a way through it, then I am okay. What I have learned from this last challenge is that I don't freak out as much as I would have in the past because I know there is way through.

I realized that this is not how I have always portrayed myself to people that I know unless they are a close personal friend. I wondered if that was the way I wanted myself remembered? The thing is that I am more myself here on the blog than I am with most people... because I have a hard time trusting that people won't be who they say they are... or who I know them to be. It was at this moment that I knew we all wear masks to the world of what we want people to see.

Sometimes you meet a few rare people in your life that you can open up to and be yourself and know that no matter what it's okay, they will be there for you always... just as you would be there for them. Then the unthinkable happens and everything you think you knew is gone... It was never as you thought it was... it makes you question everything and everyone.

I also understood that because I was unable to really trust that someone was being real with me just because people in my past didn't live up to what they said they were... doesn't mean that all people are the same. I know this for a very good reason because I can be totally trusted... I am not the only one; so that gives me hope that eventually I will meet someone like that, someone honest, open and real... someone who is not afraid of putting in the work to make it work out... someone who is not judgmental of my past, for I would not be judgmental of theirs...

So, although I know it will be difficult and maybe even disappointing at times, I am choosing to trust again, I am choosing to believe that just because my past did not turn out the way I thought it would, doesn't mean that my future can't be even better. I have dealt with many challenges in this past year particularly... I think loss of trust is probably one of the hardest things to deal with... I am choosing to trust again, since change begins with me...

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An Open Heart Forgives

I need to write about forgiveness, I have written about it many times but it has been on my mind a lot lately. I often think how grateful I am that I understand that forgiveness is not so much for the other person as it is to free our hearts and ourselves from an unhealthy relationship or situation.

I thought I had this down, I learned this concept when I was 15 years old, I was living with my ex step mother Ruth and it was pretty unbearable. She was physically and verbally abusive. I was filled with anger towards her when one day I felt the need to pray, what I prayed for was just to be free of her, I wished her no harm, I just didn't want her to have control over me. I prayed every night, in six months I was free.

Whenever I would come up against a challenge that entailed another person, I always took the forgiveness route because I did not want, nor do I want anyone to have that kind of control over me. I have friends that don't let go of it because they have felt wronged... which is true but holding on to being right and proving your point only holds you to the person all the more.

That's why this last week I have been thinking about how I need to be reminded of what I have learned and know from past experience. There is someone in my life that I need to forgive, I don't necessarily have to say it to her but for myself I need to forgive her. Part of me held back forgiving her because I thought I was in the right. Then I had a light bulb moment or an ah ha moment where it doesn't matter if I am right, what matters is that until I forgive her, she will be a part of my life and frankly I don't want that to happen.

I spent this weekend thinking about it and I realized how toxic it was for me to hold on to prove I was right, that she had intentionally wronged me to put herself in a good light. The fact that she did is neither here nor there ... what matters is that I forgive her and move on. Maybe if I forgive her, she will be able to move on too... I think we both need that.

Since I am choosing to rise above the challenges that I have dealt with and the ones that will come to me, I knew that until I could forgive her and wish her happiness, that I would not be able to grow to the next level. I do believe that forgiveness starts inside our heart which opens our mind and that frees us from being held back.

I am feeling lighter already, I don't want the burden of being right to hold me back from being the best person that I can be. I hope that the next time a challenge comes up like this one that I will remember quicker and waste less time holding on to the need to be right... remembering to keep my heart open to forgiveness.

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I Choose To Rise‏

(Just a quick update, I finished my mid-term. I feel good with where I am at in the course and two, I have been doing really well with my food choices, it feels good that I am not giving into random food choices.)

I've been a little reflective lately, I kept wanting to get to a point of understanding and something came to me today. I know we have certain challenges given to us for a reason, we can choose to rise or fall to them.

I felt like if I could understand how this has made me a better person, has it taught me anything? I wanted to make sense of it... Today it did, I think I had to lose contact with 'him' so that I could understand the importance of keeping in contact with people even when things get tough. So many people across the world reached out to me and kept reaching out to me.

I felt like I wanted to put more effort in to get to know people better. Many of you are on other media sites with me (FaceBook, Twitter, Instagram, Google+, FaceBook Fan Page, Bloglovin), where we interact through them, pretty regularly. I've made some real friends here, people that I would love to meet some day if I could... I should say will.

I think that if I hadn't dealt with such a great loss... I might not have come to know so many of you and so closely, all of your comments or messages always uplift me and make me smile... I lost a lot but I gained a great deal in return...

I understand that I had to be grateful for that loss or I might never understand why... I have some amazing memories of 'him'; I was very happy ... I had been wondering if the high was worth the low? The answer today is yes because I gained so much more. Today I choose to rise and show gratitude for difficult challenges.

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Excuses Are Just Doubts

I started this post three nights ago, I wrote six paragraphs and then deleted three. This is a difficult post for me, I have been in a rut of excuses. I realized that a few nights ago when I started taking stock of where I was spending all my time... I had slowly allowed TV to take up all my spare time, it's comfortable and you don't have to think ... So, this blog entry came about...

I follow a variety of blogs, one type being diet and exercise blogs, these last few weeks many of the people have been struggling, being very open about their feelings and very honest in their food choices and sharing them with us.

It would be easy to question their choices in food... but why? It isn't the food, it's the emotional reasons. We all have them, crutches if you like, possibly excuses but truthfully... it's not simple to say just eat right and exercise.

I know for me I have to look inward as to why? I have to fix that first before I'll be successful. So, I had quite the week with questioning myself as to why I am not dealing with some things head on. Instead I am burying it with all kinds of excuses.

I had to ask myself some hard questions, some of the answers I didn't like... I am not being consistent with my goals, I put in the effort and then I slide. I gave myself the right to have excuses with taking this course or whatever else I wanted to include for not putting in the work.

I am not going to sit her and say that I will walk 15 or 20 miles per week but I am going to say that I will walk three or four days per week and I will utilize the gym at work for some strength training twice per week. Most of all, I am eliminating TV from my activities, I can see how it gave me the excuse to be lazy. I went without it for five months when I changed my life and I didn't even miss it.

Also, I need to be accountable to myself, so at least once per month I will give an update on how things are going here. The thing is that I know I can be successful at whatever I put my mind to, I have seen it throughout my life. It is when I let any doubt creep in that I fail, what I have learned over the years is to not let the failure take control for too long if... at all. For me, excuses are just doubts... doubts I am going to overcome...

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The Lessons Of Memory Lane

I wanted to quickly catch you up with my course, my mid term is in 11 days, so I probably won't be writing again until then unless I can carve out a little time and I may not be able to comment as much as I want. I really need to buckle down and study, this course is very important to me, it opens doors to my future and we all need options.

I have been thinking about what it takes to move on, it takes a huge shift on the inside that can be extremely painful at times. For me I know deep down that it is what I need to do to be able to move on. It's almost like going through the stages of grief, unfortunately it isn't like going from one step to the next, sometimes it is taking two steps back.

Most days I am on a great path and I am happy and grateful for that. I had a lot to come to terms with because promises that were made were broken. I went from a high that was almost unnatural (now that I look back) to a low that I had never seen before... I think I had a fairy tale image of things and people but since life is not a fairy tale, nor is it meant to be ... reality hit that I brushed away incidents with flimsy excuses.

The reason this all comes up is that I put a new app on my phone last month that I hesitated to add. However; I did... it's called Time hop, it collects all your data and shows you what you posted 1, 2, 3 , 4, 5 years ago each day from various social media. I know there are dates coming up that are not great reminders for me but I have enjoyed some really good memories too, so I decided it was worth the trip down memory lane.

Saying all this, I can see daily more clearly what I was unable to or refusing to see. I wasn't completely pleased as is usually the case, it is hard to see your mistakes or blindness to people or situations. It has taught me a great lesson though, people are rarely who they portray themselves to be but I also refuse to judge anyone by the people from my past.

I also believe that there are sweet, kind and honest men ... I won't accept less since I am willing to give the same and more. I didn't want to become that older woman who is bitter because she was hurt so deeply. Thankfully I am not a person that can be bitter or vindictive, that is just not how I am designed. I am the eternal optimist that believes anything is possible... some things just take a little more time.

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Conquering The Pitfalls With Love

I wanted to write about how I'm handling the food part of my life with having to fit in sleep, exercise, work, family, friends, cleaning, relax time... It is not easy to juggle this ALL the time. I am one of the lucky ones when it comes to food, I LOVE healthy food, if I could afford to eat a large salad twice a day, I would but I only eat it once a day. Even though I adore healthy food, there are still pitfalls, I have times I just want a different flavor.

That does not mean I will fall into my old habits because I may go up and down 10 pounds or so, from time to time. Because I really 'got' it a year ago when I changed my life and my eating habits; I don't feel the desire to eat those foods all the time like I used to, I may eat them once every six months or so.

The other thing is that I love myself at the weight I am, even if I gained weight, I'd love myself, my worth is not tied up in my weight. The weight loss and exercise is to be healthy, I was completely out of shape... I was 49 years old and I was 90 or so pounds over weight. I didn't like where my life was... I think it was when I lost 25 pounds when it hit me that I didn't have to lose another pound to love myself and to know my worth. I wanted to continue to lose the weight to get healthier.

 

I could feel the change in me with all the exercise and the discipline I had grown to have over myself, it was because I loved myself and I had other people rooting me along. If I had a fall which I have from time to time... maintaining is one of the hardest things to do, losing the weight was far easier. When I have a hiccup from time to time, I don't berate myself because I am human and I slip up, I am not perfect.

The thing I most appreciate and love about my friends and readers is that you are supportive, understanding and you encourage me. I am really grateful for that, I wish that we could all have that support system.... let's all be each others support system, cheering each other on and helping each other up when we fall.  Coming here, writing my thoughts in the blog helps to remind me why I am so committed to eating healthy and exercising. I am important enough to make the effort and so are you.

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One Year Later I Can See The Light...

One year ago today, I woke up like any other day and I headed off to work, little did I know that it would end up being a defining day of my life. Some of those so called defining moments are the worst ones to bear, even when everyone tells me it will all work out for the best.  You all might be right, I still don't see it that way yet but I also don't see it the way I did that day.

That day I had to leave work early because my emotions were all over the place, when a client called in, I ended up bursting into tears... I quickly messaged someone that I had to leave, I looked for my quickest exit and I barely made it to the door before I was sobbing beyond control.  I walked a fair distance to catch the bus so that I could get my emotions under check. Still I sobbed on the bus, then at home... that was the night I stopped sleeping for nine long months.

The roller coaster of that day never really got better, it actually was worse... I just learned to deal with the ups and downs... mostly downs. I keep looking for the good in all of this, I have yet to find it... I know that doesn't sound positive and uplifting... But I have never been one to pretend everything is okay, when it's not...

However; saying all this, I have moved on from that day, I finally started to sleep about three months ago, which was a blessing... I have NO idea how I functioned on so little sleep?  I never want to do that again. Also, I don't cry most of the day anymore, which is so much better. I couldn't see a light at the end of the tunnel but I held on when I couldn't see it because I KNEW it was there.

I think we all have defining moments in our lives that could totally tear our foundation apart and that day was one of those days for me... Somehow, I held it together and I came through. If you had asked me a year ago where I thought I would be emotionally, I never thought I would have come as far as I did.  Yes, I still have a way to go but at least I am on the right path now... for nine months I wasn't anywhere, I was in limbo... and that is not a place to live.

If I could change that day, would I?  I would if I could but of course I can't... instead I have to keep living with the fallout ... just keep moving forward. Even when I don't see the whole picture yet, the light is enough to keep me there until I can see the full picture.

I hope when I look back on that day in a year or two, I will see that everything happened the way it should have... for now I will continue to hold on to the light I can see because for nine months I couldn't even see that...

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