Can Time Heal All Pain? Or Do We Just Bury The Pain?

I didn't even know what I wanted to write tonight, I just felt the need... it has been few days and I have been really busy. Unfortunately it hasn't been with a lot of exercise.  I still try to get in as many short walks as I can but the weather has not been conducive to me walking.  We have had a lot of rain, snow and ice, thankfully it has not been as cold as it is in other parts of the country. The contest has started and I did really well the first week, I will update every two weeks, sometime this weekend.

I have been pondering that thought about if time really heals all pain?  Or do we just bury it?  Maybe it is just me... I still haven't really slept and I am not handling that well.  It is exhausting to keep going everyday since I never sleep for more than two hours at a time and maybe 5 hours for the whole night.  It makes for a lot of time for me to think.

I saw a TV show about a guy who hadn't slept for 3 months as he was dealing with grief and he said he didn't let himself sleep because he didn't want to dream.  It struck a chord with me... I don't think I allow myself to sleep because my dreams would be something that I had to wake up from everyday and realize it was only a dream.  I am not sure what is worse, having to wake up from my dreams or not sleeping for long periods of time.

I rationally know that I have to sleep, it is a necessity of life.  Sure we are able to function on little sleep but I don't want to just function, I want to live life fully.  This weekend I am going to clean my room and make it media free, even my phone. I am going to make it a calm and peaceful room, I want to make it as relaxing as possible.  Realistically I know that dreaming although hard to deal with the reality each day I wake up, has to be easier than little broken sleep.

Maybe if I could get some quality sleep I would be able to get back to exercising as much as I did this summer.  I love that feeling of pushing myself and getting faster... beating my times and also the feeling of how strong I am to go from sitting and eating unhealthy to exercising daily and eating healthy.  I am so glad that my friend ticked me of that day in May... It made me finally decide to do something about the weight and how unhealthy I was.

Plus I remember thinking that I did not want to be in the same place I was in a year... well, I won't be and that feels good that I made a promise to myself and I am seeing it through.  It is one of the single most important things I have ever done for myself, making myself a priority really changed my life in a good way.  I just have to make myself a top priority again and stop with any excuses.  I am sure it will be difficult to get back into a routine but it will never be one again, unless I start that first day and just keep doing it like I did last summer.

I'm hoping my dreams will be more sweet than painful... I know I have to figure out a way to find that out, I need to convince myself that dreaming is okay.. even if my dreams never fully meet my reality. Eventually I might be able to dream other dreams and make them a reality.  It all starts with some sleep....

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Making My Dreams Come True

Since I have written my last post about what I would like to tell my 15 year old self, I have had a change of heart.  I think being able to talk to myself at that age would be incredible but I highly doubt I would have listened and when I really took the time to think about it, I had to admit there was not a lot that I would change as each challenge that I had to overcome helped me to become who I am today.

Also, when I said I made the biggest mistake of my life and I was wondering if it had all been worth it, I didn't mean meeting him when I was 15.  Actually meeting him was wonderful, I would never regret that, being friends with him ... amazing.  I could say whatever I wanted and not feel like I was being judged for having those words or feelings.... What I regret was that we tried anything more than friendship, no matter how amazing it was for me and how unbelievably happy I was ... it wasn't worth the outcome in the end.

So I will never regret him but I will regret that it changed us, even though we tried hard not to let it... instead of talking to my 15 year old self... I think I would talk to my 47 year old self and tell myself to wait... slow down, I was in a hurry to live my dream and now everything has changed ... nothing is the same and I am left to really wonder if pure bliss was worth all the change. In this moment, I don't feel that it was...

When I weigh out the ups and downs...the good and bad... this one doesn't pass the test, it leaves me feeling like I jumped before I thought and now I have to live with the consequences... I miss what was before us... and no words I can write will ever explain how I am left to deal with the fall out of allowing myself to dream without thinking...

I highly doubt I will ever jump into anything blindly again without really thinking but I am allowing myself to dream again... there is nothing wrong with dreams, they can be wonderful but there are some dreams that were only meant to be dreams, living them out can bring too much pain and sadness.  With all that said, I am making new dreams; ones that will change my life totally... one day I hope that I can say that I went for a dream and it was completely worth it...

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Things I'd Tell My 15 Year Old Self Today

I have seen these letters going around in the blog world, each person seems to choose an age that is pertinent to them.  Fifteen was one of the first huge change years for me that I remember.  It was the year I entered high school, it was the year I fell for a boy that I ended up falling in love with 33 years later, we later became the best of friends and it was the year my father found out that Ruth was abusing us with words, fear and violence. For the first time in my life my father stood up, made a decision and left Ruth for good.

So, what would I tell my 15 year old self today:

One that none of those kids that I went to school with matter when I'm older, all those days of feeling inadequate and being judged by my peers are meaningless to me when I grew up.  They were just as scared as I was and I am grateful that I didn't make anyone feel the way they made me feel.  I am sure as they grew, they have their own guilt... I would tell myself to worry less about what those kids thought of me.

Two, sometimes the past should remain in the past... sometimes when you let the past in, it could destroy your future... mine almost did.  Even today... I wonder if I will ever get to a point that I won't feel like I made the biggest mistake of my life allowing the past to catch up to my present.  I would tell my 15 year old self not to believe everything you see in front of you, people have masks of who they want you to see...  I found that out the hard way a couple of times in my life ...

Three, I would tell myself to love myself more... and that I deserved better than I ever allowed myself to expect.  I never raised the bar high enough, I kept my little dreams instead of making bigger dreams... because I never thought I could do better.  I can do better though, I know I certainly deserve better... I settled one to many times and today I will never settle again.

Four, I would tell myself to dream and to chase those dreams, life is too short it goes by quicker than any of us think.  I would also tell me to choose better friends, I have chosen a few people in my life that make me question what I was thinking... I would tell me to love more and not be afraid to go after what I want.

I tell my 50 year old self these things all the time now, I am going to chase my dreams... I am not going to settle for less, I don't care what other people think of my choices and mostly I am going to open myself up to love... for once in my life, I deserve the guy... the guy who will love me and only me.  The honest, kind, sweet guy... The bar has been raised and I won't be lowering it for anyone.

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I Just Have To Keep Holding On

I want to thank Janice from Fitness Cheerleader, she wrote a post about her theme song for 2014 (Keep Holding On… What is Your Theme Song for 2014?).  I am not one to pick up new music as I have so many that I love now... I own well over a 1000 songs but she talked so passionately about it that I wrote down the title and promised myself that I would listen to it the first chance I had.  That chance came tonight.

The song is Keep Holding On by Avril Lavigne, I was not sure she would be a singer that I would enjoy but this song proved me wrong, she has a fan in me now.  These words are so moving and inspiring.  Today the contest started, I have been slacking for nearly a month... walking a mile here an there, eating a few extra calories.  My wake up call came when I stepped on the scale and I had gained a few pounds back... Maintaining is going to be so much harder than I even thought.

For the past month, I have come home... logged onto the computer and relaxed.  Tonight I went out and I walked for nearly two miles, I did it with an average speed of 15 and a half minutes per mile.  It felt good, really good.. I came home all sweaty and relaxed, I turned on YouTube and pulled up the song.  I have to tell you, this is my theme song for the year too, it speaks to me on so many levels.

I needed this wake up call today, for the past month I have allowed other things to get in the way of what I wanted.  There will always be excuses, there will always be people who don't believe in me, there will always be times I might not believe in myself but I cannot allow any of that to stop me from achieving my goals.  The start of the goals is to get healthy and start training for a 10K in May or June.  Achieving these goals will lead me to all the other ones I have.

I lost my way for a while, I am working my way back... I love this line in the song... There's no other way when it comes to the truth. So keep holding on... no matter what... the truth is there.  Every time we think we have buried something, the truth always shows itself... I just have to keep holding on...

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My Lovely Blog Makeover And The New Competition

So, I am finally getting a chance to write here, it has been a very busy week, first I have had a blog make over as most of you can see.  I am so very pleased with it, Nicole from Not Before My Tea had offered a few of her readers a free blog make over and I quickly responded as I have been wanting something cleaner and more up to date.  I have been following her blog and Instagram for quite sometime.  I rarely start following a new blog unless the writer has commented on mine and then I read theirs and usually follow them. 

With Nicole, I happened upon her blog through Bloglovin as another one of my readers had liked her post.  Well, can I tell you that I laughed so hard that I was hooked from day one.  I always look forward to each of her post updates, she almost always makes me laugh and I definitely smile.  She is young, an avid runner and she has moved from Florida to Chicago as she stated that she wanted to experience real seasons.... Well, she has had enough of the lovely snow that she was enamored with... hence why she wrote this hilarious post I Almost Lost My Feet...

Also an update on 'him', very sweet guy, we are just going to be friends for now as he lives nearly two hours away.  He may eventually move to the city and who knows what might happen then but honestly it is hard enough to keep a relationship going when you are in the same area... We are not ruling out seeing each other but neither of us are ready to commit to moving closer to each other at this time.  It was just really nice to actually have an interest in someone... it's nice to know that I could.

As well, I haven't been as motivated to get the rest of the weight off... due to the holidays and the weather.  I realized I needed to find something to motivate me and luckily work is hosting another Biggest Loser starting next Friday.  I am in the zone as you all know, I am highly competitive.... It starts next Friday, January 17th and runs for 10 weeks, I am so excited... I think I love competing, even if it is only competing with myself... I will be back to the gym starting next week and I can hardly wait.

I should be down to my goal weight by April and then the fun part begins with maintaining... losing it is not the hardest thing, maintaining it is... but I am up for the challenge, plus the Spring will be here soon and I will be back to walking outside 5-6 days per week.  I love the gym where I go but I really love exercising outside... especially when it's Spring or Fall. 

I hope you all take the opportunity to hop over to Nicole's blog Not Before My Tea and give her some love with a comment.  I promise you will not be disappointed... most likely you will thank Nicole for the laugh and me for telling you about her.   I want to give Nicole a great big thank you for all the lovely work she did cleaning up my blog... it still has too much on the sidebar but that is me... not Nicole... lol.

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I'm Very Much In Like

Well, I'm certainly in like with 'him'... our cheeks hurt from smiling and laughing.  He thought I was pretty special... so far he's very sweet.  I don't like dating sites but at the moment I'm glad I didn't delete my profile... I would have missed out on meeting a really nice man.  Since he doesn't live close by we are going to date long distance for now.  Both of us are opened to new possibilities but taking it slow.  We are meeting up today before he heads back home, he's going to come back down over the weekend too.

He thanked me for being me... awe it seems 'he' knows my worth... he told me I had him at 'hello'... haha, cheesy I know but SO cute.  I really like that he can carry on a conversation with me, that's saying a lot... I can talk quite a bit... ah okay a lot.... he held his own with me.  It's nice to have something to look forward to.... I haven't had that for such a long time, it feels good.  2013 took important things from me but 2014 looks like I am getting some of them back ... with whipped cream on top.

I will always think of 2013 as the year of loss... the only good loss was the weight loss ... then another loss I am handling ... but the other loss will always be sad... I believe everything comes full circle and one day I will have answers to my questions of why...?  For today I am opening my heart... as scary as that is... I was pretty sure I didn't want to do that again when my heart was broken more than it has ever been broken in my life.  I probably will never be able to be that open again... it hurts much more than any words I have.

Today is a new day though... it is time to embrace that change I said I was going to do this year.  It didn't mean that I wouldn't be afraid, nervous or scared, it meant I would dive in and embrace it.  It will be the only way I can move forward... Like I have said many times, I love my mom but I do not want to be like her when it comes to relationships.  I am going to allow myself to be open to each new opportunity that arises, I will not let the fear hold me back any longer...

Here's to 2014 clearing the ghosts of 2013... may I look back one day and find that maybe 2013 was the year I needed to get through to the next chapter of my life... maybe 'he' is the next chapter, time will tell.