Can Time Heal All Pain? Or Do We Just Bury The Pain?

I didn't even know what I wanted to write tonight, I just felt the need... it has been few days and I have been really busy. Unfortunately it hasn't been with a lot of exercise.  I still try to get in as many short walks as I can but the weather has not been conducive to me walking.  We have had a lot of rain, snow and ice, thankfully it has not been as cold as it is in other parts of the country. The contest has started and I did really well the first week, I will update every two weeks, sometime this weekend.

I have been pondering that thought about if time really heals all pain?  Or do we just bury it?  Maybe it is just me... I still haven't really slept and I am not handling that well.  It is exhausting to keep going everyday since I never sleep for more than two hours at a time and maybe 5 hours for the whole night.  It makes for a lot of time for me to think.

I saw a TV show about a guy who hadn't slept for 3 months as he was dealing with grief and he said he didn't let himself sleep because he didn't want to dream.  It struck a chord with me... I don't think I allow myself to sleep because my dreams would be something that I had to wake up from everyday and realize it was only a dream.  I am not sure what is worse, having to wake up from my dreams or not sleeping for long periods of time.

I rationally know that I have to sleep, it is a necessity of life.  Sure we are able to function on little sleep but I don't want to just function, I want to live life fully.  This weekend I am going to clean my room and make it media free, even my phone. I am going to make it a calm and peaceful room, I want to make it as relaxing as possible.  Realistically I know that dreaming although hard to deal with the reality each day I wake up, has to be easier than little broken sleep.

Maybe if I could get some quality sleep I would be able to get back to exercising as much as I did this summer.  I love that feeling of pushing myself and getting faster... beating my times and also the feeling of how strong I am to go from sitting and eating unhealthy to exercising daily and eating healthy.  I am so glad that my friend ticked me of that day in May... It made me finally decide to do something about the weight and how unhealthy I was.

Plus I remember thinking that I did not want to be in the same place I was in a year... well, I won't be and that feels good that I made a promise to myself and I am seeing it through.  It is one of the single most important things I have ever done for myself, making myself a priority really changed my life in a good way.  I just have to make myself a top priority again and stop with any excuses.  I am sure it will be difficult to get back into a routine but it will never be one again, unless I start that first day and just keep doing it like I did last summer.

I'm hoping my dreams will be more sweet than painful... I know I have to figure out a way to find that out, I need to convince myself that dreaming is okay.. even if my dreams never fully meet my reality. Eventually I might be able to dream other dreams and make them a reality.  It all starts with some sleep....

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