Things I'd Tell My 15 Year Old Self Today

I have seen these letters going around in the blog world, each person seems to choose an age that is pertinent to them.  Fifteen was one of the first huge change years for me that I remember.  It was the year I entered high school, it was the year I fell for a boy that I ended up falling in love with 33 years later, we later became the best of friends and it was the year my father found out that Ruth was abusing us with words, fear and violence. For the first time in my life my father stood up, made a decision and left Ruth for good.

So, what would I tell my 15 year old self today:

One that none of those kids that I went to school with matter when I'm older, all those days of feeling inadequate and being judged by my peers are meaningless to me when I grew up.  They were just as scared as I was and I am grateful that I didn't make anyone feel the way they made me feel.  I am sure as they grew, they have their own guilt... I would tell myself to worry less about what those kids thought of me.

Two, sometimes the past should remain in the past... sometimes when you let the past in, it could destroy your future... mine almost did.  Even today... I wonder if I will ever get to a point that I won't feel like I made the biggest mistake of my life allowing the past to catch up to my present.  I would tell my 15 year old self not to believe everything you see in front of you, people have masks of who they want you to see...  I found that out the hard way a couple of times in my life ...

Three, I would tell myself to love myself more... and that I deserved better than I ever allowed myself to expect.  I never raised the bar high enough, I kept my little dreams instead of making bigger dreams... because I never thought I could do better.  I can do better though, I know I certainly deserve better... I settled one to many times and today I will never settle again.

Four, I would tell myself to dream and to chase those dreams, life is too short it goes by quicker than any of us think.  I would also tell me to choose better friends, I have chosen a few people in my life that make me question what I was thinking... I would tell me to love more and not be afraid to go after what I want.

I tell my 50 year old self these things all the time now, I am going to chase my dreams... I am not going to settle for less, I don't care what other people think of my choices and mostly I am going to open myself up to love... for once in my life, I deserve the guy... the guy who will love me and only me.  The honest, kind, sweet guy... The bar has been raised and I won't be lowering it for anyone.

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