What's Inspired Me

I have made some decisions in the past few days, due to some new insight I have gained in the last week, I am actually going to link up as many of the blogs as I can remember that kept inspiring me after I had made my decision... because that is where growth happens quickly, at least for me that has always been true. So before I post the links, I wanted to say a couple of things.

First I love blogging, it gives me an outlet to say what I am feeling and helps me to work issues out, I feel so lucky to have so many readers that follow me and comment on any given blog post I may write, I think that is all any type of writer really wants, some recognition that you have been heard.  Being heard, that is something we all want in this life and I found that here, plus the great thing too is that I get to read other people's insights which help me to grow and inspire me too.

Saying all the above, I have pressured myself to keep up to date with all my comments, I don't like disappointing anyone... hmm, people pleaser, I thought I had outgrown that in my early 40's?  Apparently I have revisited that recently, I have decided that I will be limiting my comments to be quality comments, ones where I am not just skimming to get to the next one.  I will still be visiting many blogs but I need to cut my comment time down as I have a number of personal projects I need to work on.

I might lose readers but I think the people who really like my blog will stay ... I have so many favorites that I could never list you all, people who inspire me each time I open a link.  I love that... it is why I continue to write and read, two of my passions.  That brings me to why I need to limit my comments, one I need to exercise... I use this place as an excuse not to sometimes, two I need to really write in my other blog for the book I am writing and three most importantly, I want and need to spend time with Valentina, I am a mama first.

I have to say I love every encouraging comment I receive here, it's another reason I comment, I know how good it feels to receive one and I never do it to get a comment back... I think it is nice to reciprocate but I do not in any way think it is mandatory.  I will still visit you all, I will still comment, it just won't be everyday.. I follow almost 500 blogs, thankfully not everyone posts every day, so it has been manageable but I am really shaking my life up.

I hope I remember everyone's link from last week, I will list them:

1.  It started with Ashly Rae from Ashly London, I think this is a fantastic read.

I am going to do this detox after I see my doctor next week, I am looking forward to the end result of how much healthier I will feel. 

2.  Then Dahi from Strangeness and Charms, sweet way to collect and save gratitude.

I do this with my on line gratitude journal, tomorrow will be 14 days.  I like her idea of the colored paper and I may do this down the road too:)

3.  Next was Vett from Real College Student of Atlanta, inspiring.

I loved her take on all the things which were recent thoughts and lessons learned, many of which I have learned or am now learning.

4.  Rick from Life 101, really great read.

I always enjoy reading Rick, he is laid back and thought provoking, this one was pretty deep with the question Why am I here?

5.  Sakshi, from Capturing Sunshine, who wrote this really insightful post.

It is something a lot of us feel at times but try to hide because it isn't easy to express ourselves openly, I really enjoyed what she had to say about when you can't express your feelings. 

6.  This blog really touched me, Happiness in a choice... it spoke to me.

The title was Finding Contentment... it is what we should all do, slow down, look around you and really live in the moment, be content. 

These are the ones that stood out that motivated me so much this week... big changes are coming for me but I do have to put the work in and I am more than ready, willing and able to... I look forward to the outcome.  I have to say there are so many of you that inspired me this week, people that normally don't write like that even wrote thoughtful posts. 

The last thing I need to say here is, if I had known before hand, I would have reacted another way but since I did not know before hand, then I reacted the only way I knew how, which doesn't mean I do hurtful things ... as that is not who I am.  This sums up my life ... this is the only way I can live, I cannot change the past, it is what it is, nor will I be held back by it in the future.  I can only forgive and move on... forgive myself and others.  I am the kind of girl who doesn't know how not to be open, I like being able to say how I am feeling, no matter what it is at any given moment. 

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I've Been Looking My Whole Life

I read a blog the other night by Dawn called  With wisdom gained it touched me deeply in my heart and I hope that what I write here will really convey what I felt.  She doesn't write often but when she writes it touches me deeply in my soul.  The first quote she had in the post had me crying and I continued to cry throughout the whole post.

“You carry away with you a reflection of me, a part of me. I dreamed you; I wished for your existence. You will always be a part of my life. If I love you, it must be because we shared, at some moment, the same imaginings, the same madness, the same stage.” - Anaïs Nin 

“You carry away with you a reflection of me, a part of me. I dreamed you; I wished for your existence. You will always be a part of my life. If I love you, it must be because we shared, at some moment, the same imaginings, the same madness, the same stage.” - Anaïs Nin - See more at: http://healingmorning.blogspot.ca/2014/02/with-wisdom-gained.html#sthash.bhNJ0P4t.dpuf

“You carry away with you a reflection of me, a part of me. I dreamed you; I wished for your existence. You will always be a part of my life. If I love you, it must be because we shared, at some moment, the same imaginings, the same madness, the same stage.” - Anaïs Nin - See more at: http://healingmorning.blogspot.ca/2014/02/with-wisdom-gained.html#sthash.bhNJ0P4t.dpuf

“You carry away with you a reflection of me, a part of me. I dreamed you; I wished for your existence. You will always be a part of my life. If I love you, it must be because we shared, at some moment, the same imaginings, the same madness, the same stage.” - Anaïs Nin - See more at: http://healingmorning.blogspot.ca/2014/02/with-wisdom-gained.html#sthash.bhNJ0P4t.dpuf

“You carry away with you a reflection of me, a part of me. I dreamed you; I wished for your existence. You will always be a part of my life. If I love you, it must be because we shared, at some moment, the same imaginings, the same madness, the same stage.” - Anaïs Nin - See more at: http://healingmorning.blogspot.ca/2014/02/with-wisdom-gained.html#sthash.bhNJ0P4t.dpuf

That is not a bad thing, it meant I really felt what she was trying to convey to her readers.  It really spoke to me because I actually knew what she meant, I have had this happen once in my life, the feeling of... Ahh... there you are, I have been looking my whole life for you... and losing that left me empty inside. 

She wrote this earlier in the week and I took a few days to digest it, really think about it... and although I lost that person who knew me inside out, they lost me too... it is rare, very rare to meet or find someone that you can be that close to, someone you can share all your inner thoughts with and not feel like you are being judged. 

It has been more difficult than anything I can write here but I cannot let losing this person out of my life harden me so that I don't give that same passion to someone who deserves it... if I allowed it to harden me because of the deep sadness it caused I will never be able to move forward and find it again.  I will find it again and that person will be deserving of what I will offer.

I remember when I was a very young girl and going through the trial of being raised by my ex step mother who did all that she could to beat me down, literally. I always knew there was something better and that I had to be strong enough to make it through all her craziness.  I believed once I was free of her that I would find someone special who would truly love me for who I was and not try to tear me down. 

People that do everything within their power to pull you down to their level are nothing but insecure and they feel undeserving of love.  What ultimately happens with them is that they lose what they fight so hard to keep... because attempting to destroy other people to keep what you want will never last.  Just ask my ex step mother, she lost everything eventually and ended up a lonely old woman with nothing. 

I refuse to be bitter, I refuse to give up and I refuse to let the smallness of other people take away my dreams, my hopes and my wishes.  This last six months have been a refining period in my life, one I have needed to grow... so that I will be ready to have that someone special who will come along and feel lucky and blessed to have found me.  They won't leave or give up because they too will remember that feeling... Ahh... there you are, I have been looking my whole life for you... and I will say... I have always been here... becoming the best me so that I can give the best of myself to you, just as he will want to give me the best of himself too.

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My Eyes Are Wide Open Now

I have been reading blogs most of the week and a few of them have inspired this post ... many of them were about having and showing gratitude, specifically writing it down somewhere daily.  I decided that mine will be an online journal, private for me but I have committed to writing one thing in it daily and then reading them over once a month.  I think the more that I do this, the more it will remind me of my many blessings.

I have already entered my first two posts, I like that I have finally started it again... it has been years since I was consistent.  Today is going to change that... I have been wondering how I could change my thoughts around and reading those inspired blogs seemed to be the answer I was looking for... At first I thought, what a great idea, the second one I thought hmm... that is interesting; the third one made me sit up and right after that the fourth one popped up in my feed and that was when I made the decision to start.

So, today was the fourth week of the contest, to date I have now lost 13.8 pounds, there is six more weeks in the contest ... this last week was a bit of a write off for me and it showed on the scale when I lost .8 pounds.  I know you think that is a lot and yes it is a lot but I knew that I could have done much better as I had eaten more calories a few days.  This was a really tough week for me, the weather has been so nasty that it makes it near impossible for me to want to tread out in it for anything other than work, two it was Valentine's day... just another reminder that I am alone (I don't want to hear how great it is to be alone for this day, it's better to be with someone you love) and three, work has been so busy, it is tax time and tax forms have to be out by the end of next week and everybody is scrambling.

So, I went shopping last tonight and I bought all healthy groceries, I am going to be prepared with nutritious  food ... those posts reminded me how grateful I am for having lost this weight that has held me back for so many years.  Here is something funny, I am actually looking forward to having a full body shot by the end of March... Although I am nowhere near what a place like Weight Watchers would agree I should weigh, I am quite happy where I am at... I am curvy in all the right places and with the proper sized clothing ... it will only make my weight loss look even better.

I am seeing a light at the end of the tunnel, year end is almost over, which means work will become manageable.  Hopefully the weather will be better by late March where I really get some great long walks in daily.  As well, I had a light bulb moment about the trial I have been going through for nearly five or six months, it wasn't one that made me happy though but maybe something I had to know... It hurts just the same ...

All three of these are moving me in the right direction ... the more I travel that path, the more I see some things would have held me back from growing to my potential... I want to always have an active lifestyle, sitting at home night after night being sedentary is not my idea of fun.  I don't mean going out to socialize which is great on the occasion, I mean active by exercising or participating in a sport... something that will keep me strong and healthy.  I might never have got to that mind set if I had traveled another path.

The other thing I learned in the last six months was that people are rarely how they portray themselves... we all want to put our best foot forward.  There are a few quality traits that I expect from the people in my life ... one, I need people to be forgiving with me and others... I believe forgiving is the only way to be, otherwise you become bitter and you hold on to bad relationships from the past.  Two, I need people not to be judgmental, I try very hard not to judge other people and I find it incredibly mean when someone does that and thinks they are within their right. Third, I expect honesty, I give it back 100 percent... if there is no honesty, there can be no relationship.

All of these things have been challenging me and I think that is why so many bloggers decided to write about gratitude in one day... I was meant to read them and to finally be inspired to get back to writing about it daily... Here is something I am grateful for, I am happy that I know exactly what I want in any relationship I have now and in the future, my eyes were closed in the past but they are wide open now.

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I Can Weather Any Storm

I have been wanting to write for days, I have started the first line many times...  I know what I want to say, I just didn't feel like I could say it.  My words have been used against me, twisted in ways I don't even recognize them.   That is why I wrote my last post ... to make myself perfectly clear.  The thought that someone would do everything they could to hurt me is beyond me, I have no desire to hurt anyone like that.

I realized that anyone who took the time to search all of my writings to twist my words to paint me one way, doesn't make them right.  I am not what they want to portray me as, I am tenacious and I never give up... this is the way I have always been... I have had to come through a lot more than this last challenge and I have always come out on top.  I survived ten years of child abuse, being a single mom at the age of eighteen, the emotional abuse in my marriage, the rape... losing him... I can survive whatever is dished out to me.

Believe me when this last challenge came along, I wanted to lay all the words out to prove that they had twisted everything out of proportion but I knew that this is what they wanted from me, I will never break my promise ... some things will stay where they belong and that will leave them to wonder...  Besides, even when it is in plain English, these types of people will find a way to twist them for their own benefit.

It's because they are insecure and they don't believe in themselves... otherwise they wouldn't take hours out of their day trying to pull another person down.  I personally don't have hours in my day to waste hurting anyone... I believe in karma.  I know you cannot keep hurting people and it not come back to you, it is a fact of life, I almost feel sorry for them, because I know that what karma gives back is worse than what is given out. 

So, think about how many hours of your life that were wasted searching for ways to pull me down... since nothing could really be found, my words were twisted so that you could feel better... I am never going to stop writing and I will say what I feel even if my words are taken out of context to appease someone else.  It's better that this person wastes time pulling me down, instead of hurting someone else who might not be able to deal with it... I am strong and tenacious, I can weather any storm.

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Setting The Record Straight

 

It's time for me to set the record straight once and for all... after this I won't discuss it again.  For reasons I won't go into he and I are no longer in contact, we
haven't been for quite sometime... Do I miss him? Yes... regardless if we were to never speak again, I will always consider him to be my best friend.

Next question that needs answering .... Do I want him back other than being friends? That would be no and it has been for a long time... as you all know I have dated, I will continue to date... I am looking for that kind, exciting, honest and sweet guy that will love me too.

Third, I can't believe this needs answering again as I blogged about it in the summer...  Did I lose the weight for him?  Let me make myself completely clear... I cannot lose weight for anyone but me, truthfully if I had tried to lose this weight for anyone but me, I would have failed...

I am not living in some fantasy world that he and I will ever be anything but friends, (if that).  I came up with new dreams since I needed to dream bigger... I thought it was wonderful that I was with him, now I want someone who feels that lucky to be with me.  Do I believe I deserve dreams... YES... I deserve to have all the dreams I have to come true... I will never stop dreaming, there are no limits. 

Final thought... Do I have good thoughts and memories of him?  Yes, I have good thoughts, I wish him only the best... I could never wish him less.  I want him to be happy, he seemed to be when I talked to him last. I'm happy about that.

These are my last words on this matter... whether or not people can see, I've moved onto another path (that is their issue, not mine), ... I'm looking forward to where it leads.. I know I deserve happiness....

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Settling For Less Is Not An Option

I have finally caught up with all my blogs.. for the time being.  I am sure there will be more to read and comment on later tonight.  I really enjoy reading other blogs I get inspiration from many of them, I love how many inspirational blogs and people that are out there, I am grateful that they share.  So, I was way behind in commenting, I think I had 100 in my feed last night, a little overwhelming for a girl who likes to comment. I did read them all but had to comment less then usual, so I am really sorry if I didn't comment on all your posts. 

I had a thought a couple of days ago about how I now refuse to settle for less than what I deserve, I personally know people in my life that have settled and what I see is that they are bored with their partners... I don't want that, I want to be excited to be with the person I am with and I want them to be excited to be with me.  I don't want to sit at home with my partner night after night on Facebook, watching TV or surfing the internet.

That thought is so dull, I want to share my life with someone special, do things together, support each others dreams.  Live those dreams with each other... that means living life outside of the four walls of home.  I had a light bulb moment about where I would be with my weight if certain events didn't happen in my life?  Maybe that is what I needed to change and give myself a kick in the butt... I am continually grateful that I have lost the weight that was a part of my life far too long.

I have lost another 9.8 pounds in two weeks, well on my way to my goal weight... one I need to learn to maintain but one I am looking forward to figuring out.  It just means knowing how much I have to exercise, which I love and how much I can give my body a treat here and there as no one wants to live on salad/fruit all the time... I want to enjoy all food within limits, it is all about balance.

Boring is not an option for me, I expect only interesting and exciting... I know that is not possible 24/7 but it's worth the effort to make it extra special throughout the day. Now that I am back on my path to my goal, I feel renewed energy to succeed and get to my goals.  Everything I want is within my reach, nothing is off limits because I have made a decision that settling for less is not an option for me...

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