One Year Ago I Changed My Life

Now here is a post I have been thinking about and planning for a year.  I remember thinking back then how much I wanted to change my whole life, I was not aware of how I was going to change it as much as I did. All that I knew was that I did not want to be in the same place that I was a year ago.  I was unhappy, overweight, alone... just going through the motions.

Then 'he' ticked me off severely and I knew then I would have to change everything.  At first I was thinking what could I do differently that I had not done in the past, so that I could be successful?  That was of course when the contest came up at work.  I threw myself into it, I walked everywhere and I ate so well.  The weight literally fell off of me, the first eleven weeks I lost over 37 pounds.  I kept seeing positive changes and right about that time, I started doing this for myself. 

I came to many realizations over the past year, where I found that I needed to love myself where I was and not when I had lost a certain amount of weight... I also found that I wanted this for me, not for anyone else and I proved that to myself and others when my life completely fell apart the end of September and I did not go back to eating and putting the weight back on.  That is how I failed in the past ... this time I was different, this time I wanted it for all the right reasons.

I didn't want it for a certain event, I didn't want it for someone else, I didn't want it to prove to others I could do this... I wanted this for me, I wanted to be healthy and I fell in love with how committed I was to myself and to my future.  I added years to my life by losing the 80+ pounds I lost, I still have a few to go but that can come over the summer.  I feel really good about how I have changed my body and my health, maintaining it is actually harder than losing it but it is what I want now, I don't want to ever go back to where I was..

What ended up changing?  My health improved, except for the lack of sleep... still working on that one.  Am I any happier?  A month ago I would have said no but I can see how it is getting better with time... there is a light ahead, I have hope... it was a really long hard road. Am I alone?  Yes, but I am at least attempting to date, which is further ahead than I was a year ago.

When I made that decision to really commit, not just wish or hope for it, I had no idea how much my life would change.  I don't even know that I was prepared, I hit some huge bumps along the way that threatened to pull me down and each time I was sure I would fail or give up... I kept pushing myself and holding onto that little bit of hope that I would be strong enough to get through whatever was thrown at me.  While I was in the worst part of it, I was absolutely sure I wouldn't make it through.

There were nights that I crawled into bed and cried, got up in the morning and cried...  I didn't go back to food but I wasn't always successful with other things in my life.  Some part of me kept holding on, sometimes it was something that someone would write, other times it was a message from a person that barely knew me but seemed to know exactly what to say to me. A lot of the time it was being able to write everything I was feeling down in this blog.

That wasn't always easy either as you know that someone (not him) felt they needed to dig through everything I had written to discredit me, so that they could feel better about themselves.  I would actually like to thank that person today but I think she finally gave up reading my blog, especially after she accidentally followed my Pinterest board.  As soon as she realized what she had done, she deleted her own account and I haven't seen her ... nice to know she got a life of her own.

One of the best things that came out of this all was that of course I lost the weight and became healthier than I have ever been.... two I refuse to hide anything, I am an open book and no one will ever change that about me and three, most importantly I gained my self esteem and self worth back.  I know there are people who don't think I did but that is their problem, not mine.

One year ago I changed my life by making a decision, sticking to it and never giving up.  Was it easy?  No... but it was and is worth it... I will never give up on myself again, I did many years ago and finding myself this last year has been one of the most challenging, yet rewarding experiences I have ever been through. The biggest question that I am sure people have for me, as I have had this question for myself.  Would I have made the same decision knowing what I ended up losing?  I don't know, I am grateful I had no idea what I would lose, I might not have taken the path I did...

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