Balancing One Challenge After The Other

I have been wanting to write but of course life is keeping me busy. I have had a lot of changes going on this past week. I had to change sitters suddenly but this was Valentina's choice and request so I couldn't deny her. She really liked her other sitter but she has a brother Valentina's age and he just wouldn't stop picking in her. I think children have enough to deal with in their lives, they don't need to feel trapped like that.

My new sitter comes to the house, so Valentina doesn't have to get out of bed until 7 am, which gives her more rest.  I have noticed a change in her already, she seems happier and not so snappy, I am happy for her. She is very relaxed and smiles a lot more, The other great thing is that I will get to see her as soon as I get home, sometimes I didn't see her for an hour or more later with her other sitter.

Even with good change, it is still an adjustment... nothing is smooth sailing and I am sure things will come up with this arrangement but we will work through them. Soon enough she will be on her own and this whole phase in life will be gone, I will miss it a bit because it will mean she is maturing and wanting to make more of her own life choices. I thought Andrea grew up fast but Valentina's years are whizzing by at the speed of light. I decided to slow it down a bit, have more time where we aren't rushing and snapping, life is relaxing a bit... just what I need before I start my courses.

I have not been great about getting myself into bed at a good hour ... I guess it is because I know I won't actually sleep. So part of me thinks it is better to be productive, than to lay there and just think. Trust me, I have tried just laying there, one night it lasted for three hours. However; with everything all said and done, I still need to rest my body more, especially with the two courses coming up next month.

I have decided to take the next four months as a challenge, I exceed all my expectations when I take on a challenge.  I am going to have to be organized and prepared... I only expect success from myself. Blogging might become a weekend activity for me so that I can be focused, I am going to take it one day a time, see how I feel and go from there.

I know I can't stay away from blogging for any length of time, I truly love going through my feed and seeing so many favorites posts.  I am just going to have to be choosy through out the week and then give myself some weekend time to catch up with all of you. It is all going to take balance, we all crave that balance... it helps us to feel aligned.

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Making It Through To The Other Side

I remember thinking I would never get to this day... this time and actually say that I am happy. Even though this last year was both a high and a low... the high getting my life back, the low losing 'him'. I cannot nor will I ever understand why?... only 'he' would know and 'he' never said.

I was a basket case, I couldn't sleep, I still have issues, I cried all the time and I barely functioned. For nine long months I wondered if I'd ever feel joy again? Could I believe in love? In those first nine months I doubted that I could. Truthfully I wasn't sure I wanted to again.

Honestly after giving my whole heart and soul to 'him' only to be hurt more than I ever thought possible... I wasn't sure I ever wanted to love that way again. Why would I want to when 'he' did and said everything 'he' said he wouldn't? 'He' became all that he promised he never would... I remember asking 'him' one time, if someone else came into his life, how would that affect us? 'He' told me she would have to accept that we were friends...

What did I learn from all of this? Just because I'm open and honest does not mean everyone else is... people have their own agendas... No matter what some people say, they don't mean it when the time comes to prove the truth. No matter what we think or believe, not everyone is like us, not everyone is as open and honest. As much as I wanted to shut down, close out the world and try to forget the pain... It was there, the old me would have done everything possible to bury that pain deep, where no one could find it but the me of today won't let that happen anymore.

I heard the quote about how  “Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.” and it resonated with me and what I went through. I know that some people don't think what happened was anything that could destroy a person but for me, having my trust broken is one of the worst things I have dealt with. I believe losing trust is one of the most difficult things to deal with because it makes you question everything you have ever trusted in... and everyone.

The quote made me think about how no matter what is thrown my way, I keep getting stronger even when I doubt that I can... I am tenacious, I never give up and I always make it through to the other side.

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Love Will Come To Me

I took a break from blogging for a few days as Valentina was going away for a week to Cindy's and I wanted to spend all my free time with her.  So this week is my week, it is my birthday on Wednesday... I accomplished what I set out to do over a year ago, when I decided I would not be in the same place a year from then, I took off the 80 pounds.  Since I can see how committed I am to making a change I am making new goals, if we don't that is when we fail.

I am excited for some of the changes that are happening, first is school, once I have completed the courses I have a couple of options that I am thinking about. Second I have committed this year to downsizing and preparing to move next year.  I will be in a much better place financially and I will be able to afford a nicer place.... I am looking forward to this move as I would like it to be a place I stay for years to come.  Unless of course I meet someone. Third I have decided not to date until January at the earliest, due to the two courses I will be taking, I wouldn't have time to give anyone right now.

The other thing I plan to do is up my savings so that I will be prepared financially to move, usually I am unorganized and rushing around at the last minute boxing things up.  That is another one of those changes I am making now, I am going to follow a budget by writing down everything I spend, I think once I do that I will start to be a lot more careful.  I used to be the queen of budgets and savings but once I started having a little more money, I felt entitled to spend it.... that was the mentality I had to change, I need to continue to get back to my strong roots of budgeting and saving.  I already have Christmas money and food money saved.

This week is also the week that I am really putting out the effort to walk as much as I can, I really want to get my speed back to where it was last year so that I can work on bettering that one.  It's a good week for me to get my house and my thoughts together, I don't have to think about anything other than work for the next few days. I also plan to get as much rest as possible, that means getting into bed by nine or nine thirty with all social media turned off.  I feel like I took a little more control of my life this week and that feels good.

I have no control over the outcome but I am making my own decisions.  For almost a year I struggled to make any decision and I wondered if I would ever be able to handle one in the future.  Thankfully the future came, believe me there were times I seriously wondered.... Almost a year ago my life changed by 180 degrees and it made me question everything I knew.  Today I made it through all those changes and although it was one of the most painful years of my life, I still believe that love exists and when the time is right, it will come to me.

With my choices and goals preparing me, I know that love will come to me.

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A Little More Than Five Years Ago

I should be sleeping, as if that isn't what I have been telling myself for nearly ten months... I think when the upheaval started in my life the end of September, it threw everything out of whack for me... even though I am feeling more at peace in my life now, I still don't sleep any longer than a few hours at a time before I awaken... then I fall back to sleep.  In the beginning I worried about not getting the proper rest I needed to actually handle my day to day life and although I don't think it is a wonderful thing to go through life without proper sleep, the kind where you dream... I have managed to live and find ways around not getting deep sleep.

So, my Valentina came home from camp, she thoroughly enjoyed her time there... except for the massive bug bites she received... note to self, always remember bug spray in the future... apparently there are lots of mosquito's and such in the country.  I really missed her and it looks like she is going away for another week this Saturday.  She is excited because it gives her the opportunity to hang outside, play and swim, so I am very happy for her.

Also, just a bit of a catch up with everyone, I ate pretty well this week and better than that, I exercised four of the last six days ... it felt amazing. Unfortunately I was really ill over the weekend, not sure what it was... but it kept me indoors, I am feeling much better now.  I have even decided that I want to find a few people that will walk with me, however; I need them to be a little competitive, or they may end up walking by themselves as I don't want to just amble along.  This is why I have decided to look for some groups in my area of like minded people.  The more the better, since I want to exercise regularly... I want to set myself up for success.

A friend I hadn't spoken to for a while contacted me and we had a really good talk, the kind I haven't been able to have for a long time... I hadn't realized how much I had bottled up inside myself until we talked, it was a great release. I hope we can talk more regularly ... although we did promise to make time for each other, I know it will take a lot of work.  I am prepared to put in the work... hopefully my friend will too... I think we all need someone we can just say whatever we need to say and not worry about how it will sound.

Today I realized it has been a little over five years since I started my blog... I remember writing my first post and publishing it... I never thought I would write over 700 posts since that day. Everyone who has read my blog, knows that I started to write it to give myself a voice.  I had lost myself along the way when I married my ex Andrey and after he raped me in 2008 I went inward and tried to forget it. Of course that never works, that only serves to destroy a person.  Talking about it was the only way I came through to the other side... once I started writing, I started talking more and once I did that, I found myself and my voice.

Then in late 2011 I fell in love with 'him' and he became the center of my life and my blog... mainly because he was my best friend and he helped me to want better for myself.  I grew a lot in the two plus years we talked... one of them being that I found my self esteem that I had been missing for so many years.  Two, I remember when we first started dating and I used to think how lucky I was to be with 'him'... then I remember last summer thinking how lucky 'he' and I were that we made it through dating and stayed friends.  Today, almost a year later, I honestly believe, 'he' was lucky to be with me.

I know that sounds conceited but I am not, nor have I ever been.  I say that now because I can look back with open eyes and see that I gave a hundred percent of myself to 'him', even when I knew we were only friends. I would never have walked away from 'him' for any reason... that is why 'he' was lucky to be with me, I would not turn my back on him for any reason, not even now.  

A little more than five years after writing my first post, I can look back and say it was one of the best things I ever decided to do in my life.  I found a passion with writing... this was something I wanted to do for years. Also, I connected with many people across the globe, something that I never would have done without the blog.  I have wanted to travel for years, writing this blog makes me want to travel more, I would love to meet many of you. I am not going to write names because there are so many and I would never want to leave anyone out. I am just grateful for each and everyone of you for being there for me as I hope I am there for you too.

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The Past Is Just That, The Past

I've been thinking a great deal about how my life is going to change drastically in the next six months. This week is going to be a good time to clear my mind of things that are not important... I will have to be organized if I plan to be successful with school, there will be a great deal of study time needed. The accounting course doesn't start until September ... so I will have two courses overlap for about three months.  What I am going to do is work ahead with the first one so that I can have enough time to do other things like walking, writing and reading blogs. Not to mention I am a mama first... I have a lot of juggling and organizing to do to get ready.  

I wanted to let you all know I'm still very determined to give my best and being healthy is very important to me. I think sometimes we lose ourselves while giving so much of ourselves to others.... I got my voice back after Andrey had tried to control my every move, that was when I finally stood up and didn't allow him or others to control me any longer.  I have always been centered when I want something...  this time was different for me, I was even more determined than normal.

A year ago, I took my life back and changed it by 180 degrees, I got into an exercise routine and ate as healthy as possible... I didn't even let my 50th birthday be an excuse to eat how I would have in the past.  I didn't feel deprived, I felt as if I was working on becoming and staying physically healthy ... So, I wondered what had changed that feeling about a month or so ago.. where was the drive I had?  Tonight I came home, dropped my bags and then instantly changed my clothing and left to take a good long walk.  

It felt like old times, I felt great putting forth the energy to walk/jog a 5k again... I am hoping the weather cooperates with me while Valentina is away so that I can get a 5k in everyday.  I really liked walking in the morning ... that has not been so easy to get back to... I know that I have to make the decision and just do it, otherwise I will come up with excuse after excuse.. and the truth is, I am no longer a girl with excuses... I am a girl who is more than willing to change and put forth any effort to never go back to who I was in the past. 

I am not my past and I shouldn't be judged on it... no one should... especially when the work has been put in to make the changes. The past is just that, the past.

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No More What If's

This weekend has been a busy one, my oldest Andrea is home for a visit. My nephew got married so she came up for that and stayed a few days for a visit.  She was only able to come by herself, we had a good time though... we went to the wedding together, which was beautiful, then I cooked tacos for her on Saturday, like old times and then yesterday we went shopping for a new pair of Nike's for Jackson.

Anyhow, this is why I have been absent from reading and answering blogs, she is flying home early tomorrow morning and then it is back to work for me.  I am hoping to go to the fireworks tonight, as long as the weather holds up.  Then the following week Valentina will be going camping for 6 days and I will be on my own.  I plan to get back into walking as much as I can, I will be able to just go when I feel like it.

I read a blog a few days ago and it was incredible, it kept asking the question What If? to the many different instances in the writers life.  I commented that I had to put the what if's away, the what if's were pulling me down, not allowing me to move forward. It had been a very long road to get to that point and the thought of allowing the what if's to take me back there, would only have me going backwards and I want to live in the present. 

When I stopped living with the questions of what if's? I started moving forward... Is it still sad sometimes? Yes... in can be, but I wanted more than the what if's? I want what I deserve too, a good, honest and kind man... one that sees how wonderful and committed I am.

I am going to be very busy taking 2 courses at the same time, plus being a mama, working full time and exercising.  I need to get these by the end of the year, I am going to give it my best to complete both of them. Then I can have my PCP and run payroll anywhere in Canada.  I will be catching up with you as much as I can, I will have a ton of homework... but I will need a little down time, so reading will be a must ... I will comment as often as possible.  Of course if you comment on my blog I will definitely reciprocate.

The reason I am putting all the effort I can into getting my CPA is that I don't want to look back a year from now and say I wish I had completed those courses. I have what it takes to finish them and to excel. Since losing the weight, I saw that I was capable of whatever I put my mind to... there will be No More What If's...

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