There's Not One Right Decision

I am on vacation for the next five days, I have packed a lot into those days... today was super busy with one errand after another. I did everything I had planned and tomorrow Valentina and I are going to get our hair done, she is getting peek a boo colors in the back. We are having a mommy daughter day and going to have make overs together. I am looking forward to that time with her, then I have to settle into studying. I am feeling ready though, once I made a decision, I relaxed.

Isn't that always the way it is, at least it is with me. I spend so much time weighing my options and wondering if I am making the 'right' decision... then once I do, I relax because the truth is, even if it isn't the 'right' decision, I can always change direction. I need to remember that more often... I am just wasting time with trying to make the 'right' decision. I usually take the right path, I may take the round about way but I always get there.

Sometimes I think I write about the same thing that I wrote about six months or a year ago. I go back and do a search and I find I have but once I read it I realize I have a whole different take on it now then I did at that time. Which reinforces to me the importance for me to continue to write down my challenges, failures and successes so that each time I may deal with that trial on a different level. I will be able to see just how far I have come.

For me if I don't write it down, in a year or so when I come up against a similar trial, I wouldn't be able to clearly recall how I dealt with it and how I overcame it. Before computers became the norm, I rarely wrote stories on paper because I could never keep up with my thoughts. I don't always keep up with them on the computer but at least I can type my words instead of writing ineligible sentences.

I am grateful for lessons, none of them being easy... some of them being so downright painful I wondered how I made it through them. I realized for me it was being able to write my stories out so that it gave me chance to see the solution. Often times it is the comments or messages that I have from you that have given me the answer... other times I will be reading a blog post that someone has written, it touches and inspires me.

I have something I need to say, this past year has been the most tumultuous year of my life. I had life changes that threw me for a loop where I wondered if I would ever recover from the feelings of sadness and despair. I honestly attest this blog and my readers really helped me to get through. I may have lost one of the most important persons ('him') from my life but I gained all of you who are there for me. I felt so lost and alone but when I wrote I had so many of you reaching out and offering friendship, thank you.

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Challenges Can Turn Into Blessings

I started this post a couple of days ago on my phone, originally when I started I had a list of items that I felt were holding me back from progressing but as I wrote, I realized a lot of what I was thinking that was holding me back was actually a blessing. Kind of an a ha moment that helped me see things differently and I started to appreciate it. I am leaving the rest of the post as is, I want to remember how writing this down showed me the answer.

I'm very unsettled because I know the life changes ahead for me cannot even start until some long term ones happen. The first being able to move which won't be happening until next summer before Valentina starts junior high. Unfortunately the longer I stay here, the more I feel stuck. I actually never even made the place homey by decorating or putting pictures up. My next place is where I want to unpack, put pictures up and make the place mine. I'm hoping to bury some memories that way too.

I'm anxious to close the door on my past from where I live, there are too many memories of 'him' and not necessarily things but moments and memories that come from being here. I want to start fresh... being here reminds me too many times of 'him'... they dance behind the scene until a sight or smell reminds me of the past.

Second I want to complete both courses to get my paperwork so I can run payroll anywhere in Canada. However, I'm having challenges with that now, one course is waiting on upper management approval and the second I need to pay for upfront... then get my money back. Unfortunately it looks like I might need to replace my washer... a necessity in this household, so school would be on hold.

I was feeling panicked to complete both courses by the end of the year because if I don't I will then need to work a year in the field to get my papers to have my PCP. I was frustrated with the road blocks placed in my way, when I thought about it I realized I can get a job in the payroll field just with my work experience here and the fact that I completed the courses.

Maybe this is a blessing in disguise, it might actually be better for me to take one course at a time and give it my full attention. That way I will have time for living a bit of a normal life too, maybe even start dating again. I think I have put that on hold long enough, I just wrote about needing balance, I think this is a much better way of attaining that goal. Besides I don't want to add more stress to my life that most likely wouldn't benefit me in the long run.

Challenges can turn into blessings, it is just hard to see sometimes... 

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Light Will Shine Through The Dark

Monday was a rough day for many people after we learned that Robin Williams had not only died but he had taken his own life. Most of what I read was very respectful and emotional. I know from reading that there were people that thought he was selfish, I don't think that he was, I think he was in a lot of pain. I have been in that kind of pain... it's a sad place to be in. For me I am grateful I have a strong foundation that no matter how bad it gets, I know there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. Not everyone knows that, not everyone can hold on until it shows up.

I know that this last challenge for me was harder than anything I have ever dealt with, for nine long months I held on because I knew somewhere along the line a light would show up and things would get better. It was probably the longest nine months of my life, each day I had to convince myself that life would get better, I would smile again and I would find joy. I never lost hope, there were days that it was incredibly hard but thankfully I did hold on and like it always does, the light showed up, I smile again and I feel joy.

I know I don't ever want to experience that pain again but I found out I was stronger than I ever believed. I wish other people that are suffering with depression find something that helps them to believe things will get better. Nothing is perfect, I still have a day here and there... the good thing now is that even a bad day has a light. I'm trying to write it all down so that when another rough patch comes, I can come back here and be reminded that life always gets better.

I always feel sad when someone is not able to hold on... I hope they are finally free on the other side. Nobody knows the pain others have had to deal with ... I wish people could be less judgmental and more understanding that a depressed person cannot just get over it and move on, sometimes it takes counseling and even medication. What's truly needed though is compassion ... I think we all could show a little more love towards one another, there would be more people holding on if we did...

I also came away with a great deal of gratitude that I had the tenacity to hold on and that I continued to believe that no matter how bad it was and it was heart wrenching pain... I made it through. I would like to think that with each challenge I have overcome, that I would be that much stronger to handle the next ones that may come along. Also, I have been sleeping for about a 5 hour stretch at a time, for the last 3 days, with the sleeping the dreams have followed...

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I'm In The Zone‏

The other night I read a blog that inspired me... she was talking about missing that feeling of being in the zone with food and exercise. I empathized with her as I have not been in the zone for quite some time.  She then hoped she would find it soon... I told her we both could get it back since we both knew the feeling.

This being out of the zone thought wouldn't leave me though... The more that I thought of it, the more I knew that it was within me to be in the zone... 'I' had stepped outside and allowed one excuse after another for my food and my exercise choices. What makes me happy about all of this is that the life change I made is just that a life change... All I have to do is change.

I've been on my own this week... with that I have taken the time to clean out some cupboards and drawers... it's been wonderful purging. Then tonight I read about how we needed to make our goals known. So, I'm going to make a short list here. I've always known this is true but it's always good to be reminded when I seem to have forgot.

I have already stopped the excuses about food... I'm going to be planning my weekly meals out so that I will be set up for success.

I have found three people I can walk with, we just have to work out schedules... I walked for almost an hour with one girl last night. My neighbor has a dog I can take for good long walks. She will be my nightly companion when I have to walk on my own. I was able to get out with another person tonight, they really challenged me, I will have to walk with them more often.

Completing my courses.. on the way to starting that soon. Define a plan for my career with my company or possibly going outside the box.

My chapters for my book have been written, I need to organize them and proof read. I know how to put a sentence together... I just like writing the way I talk with family and friends. Which I know is not proper for a book. This probably won't happen until the new year, due to my courses.

I have other goals I'm going to leave for another post... I just feel wonderful being in the zone again.

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