I Understand Why

This week seemed to be a turning point for me ... I started off great with the IF program I wrote about last week, I had a few small bumps when I had to deal with some upsetting news. I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me, I was left trying to get air in... the air of course came and so did the tears. Within a day I had said a heartfelt prayer and others joined in with me. By mid week the crises was over.

I decided that nothing mattered, not the past, not things... only people matter. I realized while dealing with this that all I wanted was for everything to be okay ... even if it meant that I might never regain things I had lost. Although that thought is sad, anytime you lose someone important, it's not easy to deal with... But... if it means they are happy, isn't that all that matters? I decided that was all that mattered to me.

I've been sleeping a bit better, actually dreaming even. Although some dreams are sad, it feels good to dream again. Some of them are good, some quite hopeful.. after this week of turmoil, I understood why some things worked out the way they did, if they had not, other things would not have been able happen ... and they needed to happen.

I couldn't see the big picture for a long time, when I did catch a glimpse of it this week... I was in awe of what was possible. I knew precisely at that moment that I had to go through the nine months of deep sadness that I went through so that I could be ready for what awaits me in the future.

It has changed my outlook on so many things, I'm not sure I can even put words to what I came to understand. This has been a refining and a defining week for me, I could have totally fallen apart but I didn't... and because I didn't I gained some insight I really needed to learn.  I understand a little better why....

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