A Two Week Break For Me

My new haircut after having 6-8 inches cut off

I am going to take a blog and social media break for the next two weeks, that is not going to be easy for me but it is needed. I love reading blogs, commenting on them and using social media to promote them when I am inspired to do so. However; for me, I am an all or nothing kind of girl and I spend more time reading blogs then I do studying. Well, it is a lot more fun but it won't get me a passing mark.

I am going to miss all of you, I am even deleting all my apps off my phone in the morning so that I will not be tempted to log into them. I promise you all if you do leave a comment here; when my exam is over, I will drop by to visit and comment on your blogs. Otherwise, I will just start fresh with my blogs when I come back as there will be no catching up after two weeks.

Did I tell you I am going to miss you all, with the past few weeks you all know how emotionally difficult this time has been for me with all the memories of 'Him', I have been so grateful for so many of you who have reached out to me through all the different media sites I am on, not to mention all the beautiful comments. A couple of examples, there are many... I had a sweet reader from England who asked if she could mail me something and she sent me the sweetest card that made me cry and lifted me up at the same time. Another reader from Australia who tweets me daily to check on me, I love all our conversations, we are like best friends even with the distance. There are so many more of you that are always there for me and I can never, ever thank you enough.

I will most certainly be back after my exam is written but for now, I really have to focus and that means I have to make hard choices for myself... otherwise in two weeks I may not be prepared and then I would be disappointed in myself.... I don't like disappointing anyone ... not even myself... So... I am off to prepare to study for the next few weeks... have an awesome two weeks and thank you all again for the wonderful support you continually give me. Two weeks is going to feel like an eternity...

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A Year From Now

The next few weeks are going to be insanely busy for me, I have my final exam I am taking in less then three weeks, so I will be studying every night until the final. I am still going to take a little time for myself to read blogs but I probably won't be able to comment as much as usual or write another post until then. I hope you all understand, once the exam is over I will be back to normal.

It's good though as the next few weeks are full of memory dates that hopefully I will be to busy to even notice any of them. Then as soon as I am finished the exam, I will be going full force with decorating my house and getting my first real Christmas tree in over twenty years. I am kind of excited, I had stopped getting real ones because I didn't want to worry about having to purchase a tree every year... this year I decided it was worth the extra effort to really go all out and make this year special. 

Valentina and I have been making plans of what we want to bake ... we are also making a list of people we want to deliver the treats to, we plan to take a few days around Christmas to drop over and visit people and give them a little special treat we made together. Valentina is very excited and I am too, I need to do something for other people so that I won't be thinking about myself and the dates filled with memories.

Usually I have Christmas dinner at home with Valentina but my sister has invited us over to her place with my niece and nephew and their families. I was so thrilled when she asked us to come over; first, I get to spend the holidays with my family and second I don't have to cook. By next year we will be moved as that is high on my list of priorities this summer, then hopefully I can host a Christmas dinner at my new place next year.

I am making the changes I need to make so that my holidays won't be the sad reminders they have been for the past couple of years.... I have known logically that I needed to make changes, I just didn't have what it took to make them... until now. I wish I had made them earlier but at least I am making the decision today...

I am not going to beat myself up for not deciding this earlier as feeling guilty won't change the past, it will only leave me feeling defeated and sad... as Maya Angelou said...  When you know better... you do better..

I've been thinking about how I finally made the decision to lose the weight, I had decided that I didn't want to be in the same place a year from then... It's the same thing here... in a year from now, I don't want to be thinking about the past memories of what ifs...  I want to be planning a wonderful Christmas without any sad memories taking over... Making new memories today will help me succeed even better next year...

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The Past Does Not Define Me

I've been floating around lately, not committing to anything... my thinking had been if I didn't make a commitment, I wouldn't fail. However; if I don't make a commitment to something, I won't just risk staying in the same space... I will risk going backwards.

So, today I have made a step forward ... this step has been one I have 'tried' before but never committed to... This is an ongoing lesson that I have had to learn time and again. It makes me question why I have had to relearn the same concept over and over? For me to be successful I need to commit fully, otherwise I won't move forward, I'll slide back. I have worked too hard this past year and a half to give up on myself now.

This time of the year is difficult for many people, for me it is a reminder of many dates and memories that although wonderful are painful to deal with... I've decided that I'm going to immerse myself in the holidays this year. I don't plan to go overboard with the money as that isn't the spirit I'm looking for.

I'm looking at being of service to others who need me. I want to decorate, bake for others and invite people over to bring the joyful feeling in my home. I have an idea of something that Valentina and I will be doing to bring that feeling into our home and hearts more. 

I'm not giving into the sad moments this year... I'm immersing myself in the upcoming season and remembering the true reason for this time of year. For me it is not about the gifts at all, it's the feelings it can bring.

I have allowed that amazing holiday with 'him' to stop me from making new and better memories. That is changing this year, both Valentina and I deserve better than past memories, we are making new ones together. The past will not define who I am in the future, the present will.

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Change Begins With Me

I have gone back and forth with writing for a few days now, there has been another change for me this week and I didn't handle it well... unfortunately that is the way I am, I have been working on that but it takes time. When sudden and life altering changes happen, I freak out but I always get to the stage where I work out a way through it, then I am okay. What I have learned from this last challenge is that I don't freak out as much as I would have in the past because I know there is way through.

I realized that this is not how I have always portrayed myself to people that I know unless they are a close personal friend. I wondered if that was the way I wanted myself remembered? The thing is that I am more myself here on the blog than I am with most people... because I have a hard time trusting that people won't be who they say they are... or who I know them to be. It was at this moment that I knew we all wear masks to the world of what we want people to see.

Sometimes you meet a few rare people in your life that you can open up to and be yourself and know that no matter what it's okay, they will be there for you always... just as you would be there for them. Then the unthinkable happens and everything you think you knew is gone... It was never as you thought it was... it makes you question everything and everyone.

I also understood that because I was unable to really trust that someone was being real with me just because people in my past didn't live up to what they said they were... doesn't mean that all people are the same. I know this for a very good reason because I can be totally trusted... I am not the only one; so that gives me hope that eventually I will meet someone like that, someone honest, open and real... someone who is not afraid of putting in the work to make it work out... someone who is not judgmental of my past, for I would not be judgmental of theirs...

So, although I know it will be difficult and maybe even disappointing at times, I am choosing to trust again, I am choosing to believe that just because my past did not turn out the way I thought it would, doesn't mean that my future can't be even better. I have dealt with many challenges in this past year particularly... I think loss of trust is probably one of the hardest things to deal with... I am choosing to trust again, since change begins with me...

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