Starting Today

I have been wanting to sit down and write for the last few days but life has been extremely busy with the holidays... when I finally had some time to relax, I chose to catch myself up with everyone's blog and I have taken a great deal of time to think. I really have never been one that sits down on New Years Eve and makes resolutions, although I do believe in making goals because if I don't make some sort of goals, I flounder around.

I have used excuses in the past couple of months for not exercising, not eating healthy, not being present... I had my course, my new changes at work and of course Christmas... However, as I thought about it over the past couple of days, I knew that they were only excuses to give myself permission to do as I pleased, I decided today that I am not letting anymore excuses get in my way.

Starting today, I will be eating better, I will be filling in my food journal on My Fitness Pal... I will also be walking/exercising as much as I can and I will be tracking this on Map My Walk again. This Winter seems to be more mild and I couldn't be happier, so I am going to use the nicer weather while I can to get myself started back on track.

This past year I rid myself of excess items, I have a lot more that I need to let go of before I actually move this Summer. My motto lately is about becoming minimalistic about things, I don't feel the need to have excess items, they just take up space and clutter my life. I am downsizing in so many ways and actually looking forward to it...

I also want to take my last payroll course this year which I will likely do this Spring, after year end and before I am in the craziness of moving this Summer... Then I can look at other options and who knows where they will lead me. Although change is extremely difficult, especially when it is handed to us... it really is a good thing, it is just not always easy to see that when we are in the middle of it...

2014 was a year of ups and downs in many ways, I started off the year unable to sleep... that lasted for nine long months but I finally found a way to get more rest. It was a year of learning, constant polishing... wondering if I would get passed all the trials.  There are still some I am working on, others that I got through... and through this whole year I held on to hope.

Hope that all the challenges and changes I had to deal with would eventually make sense one day... I still hold on to that... It is that hope that I have held on to that made me think about what I have been doing in my life and where it was leading me? ... It then led me to think about how hard I had worked to get to where I am today and how I was throwing away all the hard work. My question to myself of course was why? ...

The answer was that I allowed myself to slide so that I could numb myself in whatever way I could find, just so that I wouldn't have to feel. Thankfully, I know that I just had to decide to get back on track and with some hard work, I will be even better than I was in the past. I am well aware that I am going to have to deal with feelings, which I am hoping will be easier now that there is less chaos in my life.

My new motto each morning to myself is 'Starting Today' I will or will not do one thing for the day.... I never want to go back to where I was... which means that I have to make the necessary changes... the key word is 'I'... So, starting today, I am going to be accountable to myself.

I thank each of you for reading and or commenting, it has been a wonderful year of growing new and old friendships over the internet, you all made me feel less alone....  I want to take this opportunity to wish all of my readers a very Happy New Year... I hope 2015 brings you all joy and peace❤

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Christmas This Year

Our Christmas tree, 2014

I have had another busy week at work, thankfully I had a little time to decorate the tree with Valentina... I completed my shopping, now baking and wrapping. I am thinking of begging someone else to do the wrapping as I don't have a fondness for it, I am usually wrapping on Christmas eve. I might actually have it all done by this weekend, that would be great, then I can just relax and enjoy my time off.

I read a couple of blogs that were writing about their goals for 2015, which has inspired me to think about the goals I want to set for myself. I don't care much for New Year's resolutions as I think the day we decided to change a behavior or do something good for ourselves is the right day for us. I also know from past experience that there are going to be many bumps on the road to my goals but it is the road I want to travel, so I will deal with the bumps as they show up.

I wanted to also take a moment to wish everyone a very Merry Christmas or any holiday you may observe... I wish you all much joy and happiness. I have been deeply touched by many of you over the last year as I dealt with my world being turned upside down, you reached out and gave me a little hope that one day it wouldn't be so difficult.

I won't be writing again until after Christmas, I want to spend as much time as I can with Valentina making memories, I am excited to see the look on her face when she opens her gifts. I never spend a lot of money but she is one of the most grateful little girls and this year I was able to get a few items she had been hoping for. . .  so I know she will be a little more excited this year.

My tree turned out beautiful after a small mishap... the first time we decorated, it fell over... it's back up though and all redecorated, I will share more of them on my media when Valentina is unwrapping her gifts. I will be back after Christmas but I will be checking in with you all when I can before that...

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Opening My Heart To Trust

I have had an extremely busy weekend, I bought our real tree, we have it up with all the lights on it and we are decorating it tomorrow, I will be posting it on my social media. It is a really pretty tree and has a wonderful pine scent. I did a lot of shopping, just a few more items to get and I had general house hold items to keep up with...

I was able to catch up with a little of my reading and I read some really amazing posts, this particular blog stood out this week. Mainly because this weekend is the three year anniversary since 'he' came to Halifax and spent Christmas and New Years with me. Today I am in a better place than I was a year ago and for that I am completely grateful... I have new challenges and that is okay... it's the only way to grow.

So, I read this and it resonated with me because it was definitely how I felt about trusting anyone again. I had jumped in with both feet with 'him', not fearing where I would land and even when it didn't work out romantically, I never believed we would not  be friends... yet that happened...

Here is what S wrote from her blog .As Far As The Eye Can See .. the title is the damage is done. It made me think hard about broken trust and how it changes us ... I was there a short year ago, wondering if I would ever be able to trust anyone again. I never let myself get too excited about dating, if a guy called, he called... if he didn't he didn't. I have dated a few guys but no one special, after reading this, I knew why... I had lost my desire to trust and I didn't expect it from anyone anymore.

the damage is done.

i don't take promises from anyone anymore
that is what you did to me.
i do not look expectantly at my

phone
when someone tells me they'll call
then decide they won't.
and when people come to me with wide eyes and excited smiles
i turn away.
i do not memorize what it's like
to touch a body with just the tips of my fingers.
i remember what it was to train my mind to forget
what skin feels like, traced over
on mornings
half asleep.
and that is enough
to not hold on to promised words
from promising lips
any longer.
S.

Although this resonated with me as this was exactly how had been feeling, I wasn't able to verbalize it until I read this... I also took this as an opportunity to remember that if I truly want to feel joy, I am going to have to learn to trust again. I am going to have to take a chance. For the first time in a very long time, I want to try again... this time I will expect more and I will open my heart to trust.

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A Letter To My Mother

The main thing that stood out for me while I was studying was the feeling I had to write a letter to my mother, my mom passed away in February 2009. I had been very close to her over the years, I didn't grow up with her from the age of six until I was fifteen but she and I became extremely close ... the year before she died we didn't talk as much as we used as life kept us both very busy and we were on opposite sides of North America. I was in Halifax, she was in Salem.

Lately I wish I could talk to her, she of all people I know would have understood what I was going through... I remember when I met her at the age of fifteen and we connected, she answered so many questions that I had.  I was able to hear the stories from when I was younger ... what I remember the most was how much she loved my father, how her eyes lit up and how happy she was... 

I also remember when things didn't work out for them a couple of years later and how very devastated she was, thinking back it breaks my heart. She was only 47 when they separated but she decided at that time to never date again and she didn't. She never stopped loving my father though and there was even a time that my parents talked about getting back together but my mother had come to a point that she wanted everything on her terms, my father wasn't capable of giving her what she wanted and they went their separate ways.

I love my mother ... at the time I thought why didn't she bend a little to have what she always wanted? Today I understood, today I realized she had known her worth and that anything less then her terms would have been settling. The only thing I will do differently is that I am willing to give someone else a chance, not every man is out to break my heart. There are honest, kind caring men ... not all men lie.

You know what I remember the most about my mom... was that she didn't talk badly about other people. My dad gave her good excuse over the years but she never talked poorly of him, this was the way she was with the people in her life. I do aspire to be that way with the people in my life too. It is not always easy when someone hurts us, however; the alternative wouldn't bring peace either. I am grateful I have learned that quality from my mother. 

I missed all of you, when I could read I kept up that way but I did take a lot of time to study and prepare for my test... which I passed, I was thrilled as you can all imagine.  I had thought about diving in and taking my next course but I have decided that I will do that one in the Spring. It is pretty intense being a mama, working and taking a course... it left me very little time for me. The whole time I was off studying, all I wanted to do was write... I had some really inspiring moments. 

I will be by to visit you all over the next couple of days, I can't wait to catch up. I also wanted to thank you all for your good thoughts and prayers... this is an emotional time for me as it is for many people but I am not going to wallow in the sadness, I am going to immerse myself in the good parts of this season and keep myself busy by giving. By this time next week, I will have my tree up and decorated... I am really looking forward to Christmas this year...

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