Challenges Are Worth The Pain

This has been a bit of a frustrating week for me... my walking and eating have been great and I feel on track with that... but other things have been frustrating. My main issue is my long travel times getting back and forth to work, which have been at least 90 minutes or more each way. I am at the mercy of our transit system that apparently has no clue how to schedule the buses. I have heard they are doing a total revamp but not until sometime in May or even later...  so I will just have to continue on the way I am until then.

I am weighing all my options as I cannot count on our transit system to get it together and actually work the way it should. I am beginning to think there is a reason why I am having to deal with all of this... I remember something Oprah either said or was quoting someone about how we are sent whispers, then taps, then bricks and finally the whole wall falls on us if we don't listen. I personally don't want the whole wall falling on me to make the changes I need to make.

I think we and when I say we... I am talking more about myself... when I have a huge change in front of me, the first thing I do is say no, I don't need anymore change right now... I'm good the way I am... but that is not growth. Typically I turn it around quickly and go with the change since it usually ends up being better for me even if it isn't always easy getting there. Actually it is never easy getting there but it always ends up that it is exactly where I am supposed to be...

I get into a comfort zone and think I can stay there and life will move along the way it is supposed to... yet I know logically that staying in my comfort zone won't help me get to the next level. I also have thoughts that I shouldn't have to go through anymore challenges, haven't I had enough? Silly, I know... that is not the way life is... everyone has challenges, no one is exempt, even if I look at their lives and think they have it all together it just means they are good at hiding their challenges.

This became openly apparent to me when I realized that the person that had done everything she could do to discredit me and hurt me was still trying to do this... it made me think about how her life 'seems' to be what she says she wants it to be... she proclaims how happy she is... yet if she was, why does she feel the need to keep trying to hurt me? That is a contradiction to what she is putting out there... that was a bit of an ah ha moment for me. It just looks like her life is wonderful without any crazy challenges like mine but she has ones that are inside.

I will keep my own challenges and deal with them one by one... at least I don't have the desire to lie and hurt other people and then pretend everything is okay... I actually will wish her happiness and peace, maybe if she can feel that she will stop attempting to hurt me... although she won't be successful as I have moved on from her... hopefully she can move on from me.

So, with my ah ha moments, I know that is the tap... I already had the whispers and ignored them... I don't want the brick or the wall falling on me... that means making some huge changes... scary ones where I will basically jump and build my wings on the way down... those are never easy but I guess if they were, they wouldn't be worth it ... Right?

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A Promise Is Sweet But A Commitment Is Love

I can finally sit down and write, this past week has been incredibly busy and draining. Work is work, I have so little to say about it, it has changed and not for the good but I go there every day so that I can collect a pay check... not a fun reason but a needed one for now. Then I came home one night after a two hour trip on the bus as we had our first snowfall this year, it usually takes me about ninety minutes... I sat down to unwind and when I looked down, I saw a flea.

I freaked out as this is disconcerting to me, my poor sweet kitty is an indoor cat and I do not have carpet here, I called the vet, found I would have to de-flea my whole house which is what I did all day today. I washed everything... sixteen loads of laundry. Vacuumed, swept and mopped... then sprayed. I am literally exhausted but all I could think about all day was sitting down and writing as I have had a great deal on my mind.

First, I want to tell you, I am still walking whenever it is possible and luckily for me the weather has been good enough if a bit cold... however; I find the minute I get walking, I warm up really quick and actually sweat easily... the cold air cools me down quickly. So, for the most part I am actually enjoying walking in the cold, other than a few patches of ice here and there, I have to be super careful.

I am also working on other aspects of my life, one of them is not numbing myself when the pain becomes unbearable, which is does on many occasions throughout the day. I am not sleeping many hours again which is driving me a bit crazy. I cannot think about going through another nine months of basically napping, however; I cannot numb myself just so I can sleep. I spent the better part of the last six to eight months doing whatever I could so that I did not have to feel; just so that I could sleep.

That didn't get me anywhere, I am still having to deal with the same issues... I just prolonged it by putting it away, thinking it would just go away eventually... of course it never just goes away, it is always there beneath the surface, begging to be dealt with. On Christmas day I had some shocking news that put me into a tail spin and I didn't talk about it with anyone. Then I reached out to a very good friend who I have come to know in Australia, we chat back and forth via Twitter almost daily. I talked about it and cried a lot... she helped me to see that things are not always what they seem.


The incident on Christmas day made me see that I could no longer keep on the way I was going, with numbing my feelings, I also numbed my desire to be better... So, that is when I made the decision to get back on track, start eating healthy, start exercising and really give myself a chance to make the changes I needed to make. Were any of them easy? No! Does it get easier with time? Not yet but I have hope that it will. Regardless of whether it gets easier, I am on this path for good now, no amount of numbing helped me, I think it's time to deal with it head on.

So, saying all this, I wanted to tell you about an 'aha' moment I had today. I was thinking about where I was in my life and where I might have been (I know, don't look back ... but I am one of those people who knows it helps me to see how far I have come)... I remember thinking a few years ago that my life was coming together and finally everything would be settled but that wasn't true... I now know this because I can see things that I was not able to see before... I might have a long and emotional road to travel and I might be alone doing it... however; I would not have been able to deal with the road I may have taken as it was just a road of promises without commitment... and that is just not me, I want the whole thing and nothing less will be good enough. I am not some women, I won't settle.

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A Dream Without Work Is Just A Dream

I have read often and in many places that it takes 21 days to create good habits or break bad habits. Either way I am into my 18th day still going strong... I have walked for a little over 14 hours and that equates to almost 50 miles. It hasn't been easy and there have been days that I thought it was too slippery, too cold, too hard (just excuses for me). Each time those thoughts came into my head, I asked myself what I wanted more? Did I want more excuses that held me back from change or did I want results that showed true change.

The answer always came back that I wanted results that showed true change, I pushed through day after day of cold, bad weather and aches and pains... my reward was losing 15 pounds ... as well I proved to myself that I am not a quitter, when I make a commitment and hold myself accountable, I succeed. I want to thank each of you who have either inspired me by your hard work and for all the encouragement along the way. Ultimately it comes down to my getting up and showing up but it makes it that much easier when I have people that are encouraging me continually.

It helps me that I have had success in the past but it didn't make it simple to get myself back on the path... life happens and it is so easy to take our eye of the goal with all the trials and challenges that are put in front of us to deal with. I want to be bigger than any trial or challenge and that means I have to be present in each moment. There were days as there will always be days that life becomes incredibly overwhelming but I don't want those days to define my long term commitments to myself.

I also think that for me, getting in shape physically and becoming healthy is only a small part of the changes I need to make. I don't talk about or discuss my faith with many people, not because I am ashamed, as I am not ashamed. I am grateful for my beliefs and knowledge. However; saying that I also think each person has their own personal beliefs and I want to respect that in others as I would want them to respect that in me.

Last week I attended my church service, it had been a long time... the gifted speakers challenged each of us to make a change to get fit physically, emotionally and spiritually. A couple of weeks before I attended church, I had asked myself some hard questions ... was I happy where I was? would I be happy in the future if I kept on the path I was on?... I knew the answer was no and that meant I had to make the necessary changes in myself if I ever hoped to have a different outcome. Then I attended my church service, there were the talks about what I had already made the commitment to a couple of weeks before, which showed me that I was on the right path, it felt good.

Life and challenges are going to get in the way, I am going to have to make the decision each and everyday I wake up to keep the commitment I have made to myself. Of course it will not be easy, of course I will fail from time to time but I am not allowing the minor failures to take away from my successes. I used to sit and dream of the life I wanted, now I get up and work for that dream daily. Dreaming is good but if you don't put the work in, it is just a dream...

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Standing Up To My Excuses

I just wanted to give everyone an update with where I am ... I am motivated, it feels like the time when I started in June 2013. I have walked every single day for over two weeks but one due to a snow storm... I have been planking and I made it to a minute which is awesome for me, the first day I could barely perform for 20 seconds, as well I have been eating fantastically... because the truth is, there is no amount of exercise that will help you lose weight if you don't eat properly.

I have been facing my problems without anything to cover them. Is it easy?  Absolutely not! Will it be worth it down the way, I believe it will. I am  already seeing things a bit clearer... those things are not easy to see though, they are downright difficult but running or hiding from them doesn't make them disappear. Dealing with them head on is the only way to conquer any of them... no matter how painful it is and will be in the future.

I think getting to this point has been one of the longest and hardest roads I have taken, I was on that path when I started in June of 2013 but when I lost 'him'... part of me lost the ability and or desire to stay focused on that road because a more difficult road arose. It was very sad for me to find out that although 'he' had told me on many occasions that I was very important to him and that nothing would ever come between our friendship... that turned out not to be true when push came to shove.

I had a hard time reconciling that all in my head, we had been there for each other for nearly three years, we had talked everyday... texted all the time through out the day and rarely if ever went to bed without saying goodnight. Right up to a couple of days before it all changed in late September of 2013, he had told me that I was very important and special to him, only a couple of days before that.

Having it change within a couple of days was like I had been in a tornado, where my life was turned upside down and inside out. I am surprised that I continued on my path of exercising and eating healthy for as long as I did... however; I found other ways to get through the emotions and none of them were healthy either. Last month, I took a very long hard look at my life and where I was and I didn't like it, I had started eating unhealthy again and I had come up with excuses not to walk or exercise.

I knew that it all changed in September of 2013 and that dreadful emotional road I had to take .. it is hard to see that I had allowed that to take me off track. I remember the night I consciously made a decision not to feel any more, I hadn't slept for more than a couple of hours per night for almost three months and I was almost in hysterics... I decided then and there I would do whatever I had to, so that I did not have to feel the emotional pain that was threatening to pull me apart.

So, I went down that path... strange thing is it didn't help me sleep, it didn't help me change how awful I felt about losing 'him' and it didn't help me feel any happier. I wanted to be numb, I didn't want to feel anything... the pain and sadness was more than anything I have ever had to deal with in my whole life. I now want to feel the pain, not just need to feel it but want to feel it... so that I can change it and stay on the path I was meant to be on...

The word excuse is not in my vocabulary anymore, oh... and every time I felt like saying 'this was not the way my life was supposed to be'  I didn't let myself say it or think it... I changed it to 'if this is not where I am supposed be then do something about it.' Do I have any delusions that I won't stumble or stray, no... I am human as we all are but I don't think I will stray as far....

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Where I Am Supposed To Be

When I realized I had time to write tonight, I noticed that it was my first post of 2015, this year has started off better than the last few years... yet I am still not as happy as I would like to be... it isn't that I think I need to be happy all the time, that isn't realistic, however; saying that I do think I could be more content. I need to figure out a way to get to that place.

There are a lot of things going on and the first and most important thing I had to do was get myself back on track with being healthy. It has been a week now and I have done many of the things I planned to do... none of it was easy, every last thing I wanted to do took a lot of work on my part... me making a conscious choice. 

The first thing I wanted to do was start eating properly again... by eating all natural foods, very little if any processed foods. The next thing I want to do is track my food progress with My Fitness Pal ... I know I am keeping within my calorie limit but I find it so much better to actually have it in writing. As it is a great way for me to be accountable to myself.

The second thing I wanted to do was exercise each day in some way... I have been walking for at least 30 minutes per day and tracking that with Map My Walk ... this one is a little easier because I just have to push a button and then walk, nothing to enter ... I have been creative in getting the exercise in by getting off the bus earlier or walking to a bus stop further away.

Valentina and I are going to work on a 30 day plank challenge starting tomorrow night... I have never done this before but I want to do more than just cardio so that I can strengthen my core. It is really going to help me that Valentina does this will me, I think she and I will encourage each other to work hard.

I read an article the other day that I wish I could remember who the author was, it was basically a list of things we do that hold us back... the first one was huge for me, when I saw the phrase, I cried. I know I have heard it before but the way that it was said there really hit home to me. It caused me to think a lot about the many changes I have made in my life... yet I still had not learned this one.

It was about how we tell ourselves, this was not the way my life was supposed to be... I say this to myself practically everyday when I am frustrated, upset or disappointed. It's not like I think anyone has it perfect here but I do feel like others have it more put together than I do. What the article tried to convey was that when we say this to ourselves over and over, we really hold ourselves back.

I have felt trapped by my choices and circumstances even though I have come through many overwhelming challenges which I have grown from immensely. I still feel like I don't have a way out. It's not as if I can just get up and change my life 180 degrees as I have responsibilities being a mama. Saying this though, I know that I cannot keep going on feeling this way, it isn't good for me, nor is it good for Valentina. 

Although I don't know the answer yet, I do know that it will involve big changes... whatever they are, I need to be ready to take them on and go with them... otherwise I will always feel trapped... So, first things first, starting today...(my motto)... I am going to work extremely hard on not telling myself that statement 'this was not the way my life was supposed to be' ... instead, I am going to work on solutions to change my life to how my life should be.

I do believe I can make the changes, not as quickly as I want but in time I will be exactly where I want to be and where I am supposed to be, one of the first steps is becoming healthy.

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