Peace Within Chaos

I have been in a reflective mood this week... thinking about how I just want to attain some peace in my life because I was thinking for me, without peace my life is out of balance... and life without balance is chaos.

I then started looking up quotes about peace and how to attain it... I love quotes that make me feel... that is most of what I collect on my Pinterest boards. I found the quote above that resonated with me... at the same time I understood where the chaos was coming from and the importance of having chaos; but with it I also think I can have peace.  I don't want to have peace where I never get challenged to be more of who I am meant to be, for that is not a life worth living.

The question wasn't how to rid myself of chaos, it became how to have peace in the chaos. This is where I think growth really happens, especially for me... when everything seems calm and I am going along without any bumps is when I am not growing... I am just being. For me, that is not enough... I need to be continually challenging myself and that is where the chaos comes in... it challenges me to think outside of the box I am in at any given moment...

The quote below made me realize that although chaos disturbs me, it also moves me to change. With this I came to an understanding of why I had to have the chaos I had before Christmas as it was what helped me to change my life around. Although this week I was floundering around a bit, I knew that writing about it would help me to figure out what it is that I needed to get back on track.

For me to get back on track, I had to admit to myself that I cannot be in control all the time, I had to understand that giving up control doesn't mean I will fail... it means I need to trust the process and that if I try to be in control all the time, this is where I will fail and never progress... I was in a mindset this week that if I could be in control, I could have peace...

I like when a light bulb comes on with me... as I am sure most of us do... it can be tough being in the dark and wondering if I will ever see the light again... but of course we always do...  When I first started writing today I wanted to figure out how to live my life in peace without chaos but as I wrote I realized that isn't feasible with growth... for me, chaos is a necessity to achieve peace...

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My Challenge Of Forgiveness And Growth

I hope I can articulate what is inside me today, what has been inside of me for awhile... I have never been one that is at a loss for words either written or spoken. I have however; held things in when I write because I have felt they would be too raw or too open to say. This last week I have been thinking about forgiveness ... I truly believe that forgiving someone is the only way I can move forward. I came to understand this when I was fifteen years old and started praying that I would no longer have to live with my crazy, psychotic ex step mother Ruth...

For the ten years I was being raised by her I felt hatred for her, I couldn't fathom why she was so demeaning to me and my sisters... then I had a thought or inspiration that I needed to stop hating her because it was only hurting me... That was when I started praying daily for six months, all I really wanted in my heart was not to have to live with her anymore, I didn't wish her bad things, I actually hoped she would be happy one day because I came to know that she was very unhappy with herself... otherwise she would not have been so miserable to everyone around her, especially to three little girls that never did anything to hurt her.

Finally my father had his eyes opened and he left her, I was free and with that a load was removed from my shoulders where I could finally say what was in my heart without fear. I went through my life dealing with trials as we all do but always remembering that forgiveness was important for me to move on... I didn't want to hold on to anger or hate because I knew that was only holding me back. I also knew that although I forgave, it didn't mean that I was saying what people had done to me was okay, it just meant I wasn't going to hold on to it and let it destroy me.

This week I realized that there was someone else that I needed to forgive because each time I thought of 'her', I felt anger towards 'her'. I came to understand that 'she' is just insecure with who 'she' is and where 'she' is in her life, if 'she' was secure 'she' would have no need to hurt me. I am forgiving 'her' today and I will no longer think of 'her', other than to wish 'her' happiness... I don't want 'her' drama in my life anymore and I hope 'she' will finally move on from me. Truthfully, 'she' has hurt me more than anyone I know, there is nothing else 'she' can do to hurt me. I survived all the lies and pain she dealt me in the last year and a half and actually I thrived... I am better for what I went through, I am stronger and I have come to love myself even more. Hopefully one day 'she' will come to love herself and know that hurting others is not the way to get there, the only way is by loving yourself.

I need to say one thing here, life is not about getting what we 'think' we deserve, no one deserves more than someone else because of the trials they have gone through. If that were true I would be in an honest and loving relationship right now, for I have had to deal with trials that seemed insurmountable. However; that is not how life works... I deserve as much happiness as the next person and I know that although the challenges I have been dealt with were awful, they were no worse than what other people have dealt with, they are just different. My trials are given to me to help me grow just as others have their challenges given to them to help them to grow.

I believe that growth comes from 'how' we handle the challenges we are given... and not just by getting through them...

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Loving Myself For Who I Fought To Become

This has been a really busy week, more busy than normal, hence why it has taken me a little longer to write than usual. At the moment we are in the midst of massive snow storm here in Nova Scotia, so I decided to just relax and write. Just in case the power decides to go out, which it may because of the high winds. This storm has been talked about for days and I took the opportunity to get prepared, I spent yesterday, shopping, doing all the laundry, dishes, cooking and cleaning.... it feels good that I am organized and cleaned up.

As everyone knows who reads my blog, I have decided to come out of my comfort zone on many levels. The first thing I did was I attended a Valentine dance on Friday night, yes I knew people that were there but I did not go with anyone, I went on my own. I had some fun and danced a little, I just don't want to be the girl who comes home on Friday night and does nothing... That is not fun to me, that will not help me to move forward... I needed to make some changes and I am grateful I have.

I am also not a girl who likes having my picture taken, believe me I have been known to flip out if someone takes my picture and I am not ready... as well I always want to have the last say to which ones are shown. I used to be so adept at ducking pictures ... I have ones at work where you can only see my hair... lol... and never a full length picture. Finally, I have changed that part of myself and I am allowing more pictures to be taken, even though I am not at what I consider to be my 'perfect' weight. I decided that if I waited for that, I might never have my picture taken. I want my children and grandchildren to have memories of me that they can see.

I love that first quote I added above about loving the person I have become as I fought hard to  become her. A few short years ago I never would have posed for a full length picture and I most certainly never would have posted it on line... This has been quite the journey I have been on, it all started with me making the decision to change what I was not happy about and sticking with it. Of course there are days I stray as I am human but I won't allow myself to ever give up on me again. I am worthy of the hard work I have put in and I will continue to do this for me.

This last quote resonated with me as it is very true, we are all more alike than we realize... we have our differences that make us unique but truthfully we all have had tragedies, love, happiness, sadness... Sometimes it is hard to see that we have had good when we feel like the hard times outweigh them. Do you know what writing has done for me? It makes me see that I have had some incredibly wonderful and happy times in my life and I know I will again... Of course hard times will come again and I hope that by writing about how I deal with or have dealt with them in the past... it will help me to overcome them with a better outlook.

When I first started writing back in July 2009, I never believed so many people would read my words... I wrote more for myself as I had lost me and I wanted to change that, the road was long and it was pretty difficult. There were times I wondered if I would make it through but I have and I changed so many things that I never even thought I could. That is why I continue to write, I know that by writing I have grown beyond anything I ever thought possible, I have come to know so many people in the world and saw just how alike we really are, how much we want to be accepted for who we are and mostly how much we want to be loved, no matter how many mistakes we make. 

I hope we all remember that first quote about loving the person we have become because we fought to become him or her... 

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Excuses Are Unacceptable For Me

I wrote last night ... I was too tired to add the pictures and publish it ... when I woke up this morning, I re-read it and realized it wasn't something I should publish here. I added it to my private blog. I couldn't delete it totally because it was how I felt and I just needed to get it out. However; it made me realize a few things... it is not news to anyone I know that I have been very sad for a long time... I wear my my heart on my sleeve. I don't know how to compartmentalize that part of myself, not that I didn't try because when I was numbing myself by zoning out of my life that was my effort to hide my sadness.

That didn't work out for me so well, instead it built up more and I tried numbing it more. I ignored everything, I would come home, veg in front of the TV then go on the computer, then sleep. Anytime I thought about the sadness that was threatening to engulf me at any moment ... I dove into anything and everything that would cover the sadness. It didn't work though as it rarely does, what it does instead, it ends up destroying me. I don't know about other people, I just know about me and whenever I bury something, it comes back stronger.

Then like I wrote before, an incident at Christmas was eye opening to me... and I knew that if I was to ever overcome the sadness, I had to feel every last bit of it. Hence why I don't sleep as much as I should, my mind never turns off. What I neglected to see through the last year and a half was that I was angry too... that was not something I wanted to admit to myself, let alone anyone else. However; I had to let myself feel that too... that was what last nights post was about...

I was angry at 'him' for a number of reasons that I won't go into here... I do wish I could have said the words I had inside to him, he needs to know... but then I don't think he would own the truths, instead he'd lay more blame outside of himself, probably on me. I actually took the blame he laid on me at first but as time went on, I realized he was afraid of what I knew and what I could say. This proved he never really knew me and it took me a long time to accept that... because if he had really known me, he would have known that I would never ever do anything to hurt him... even though he had hurt me more than I ever thought possible.

I let go of the anger before the New Year... I didn't want to bring it with me, the sadness is slowly going away. It's because I am changing my life, this year is really about 'No Excuses' for me. I rarely miss a day of exercise, if I cannot walk because of nasty weather, I have danced and I am continually looking for alternatives. I want to be successful, so I am thinking outside the box daily.

I cleaned and organized my home a bit more, little by little I am going to be ready to move and really make a new start by downsizing to absolute necessities. The more things I have, the more clutter I have... the less peace I have. I am making and keeping plans with friends, there is a dance this weekend coming up and I am going, I even have a little black dress for it (my first one). I plan to just have fun and dance with my girlfriends... As well I have made commitments to have people over and just talk... I think with the internet we lost that ability for small chat... I miss that.

With everyday that goes by that I don't numb my feelings or thoughts... I see that I have two choices in front of me... one I can go back to where I was or two I can move forward, there honestly is no standing still. Since I know exactly what is back where I was, that is no longer an option for me... so moving forward is all I have, it's all we ever really have... 

I am giving up the idea that there are limitations on where I am and what I am able to achieve, if I decide to make a change and really put my mind to it, I am capable of achieving it ... it will take work but I am not afraid of putting in the hard work... I would be more afraid of not putting myself out there and conquering the trials that have been given to me... that would mean I was going backwards and not growing. That is unacceptable to me... For today and going forward it is full steam ahead and 'No More Excuses'.

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