Excuses Are Unacceptable For Me

I wrote last night ... I was too tired to add the pictures and publish it ... when I woke up this morning, I re-read it and realized it wasn't something I should publish here. I added it to my private blog. I couldn't delete it totally because it was how I felt and I just needed to get it out. However; it made me realize a few things... it is not news to anyone I know that I have been very sad for a long time... I wear my my heart on my sleeve. I don't know how to compartmentalize that part of myself, not that I didn't try because when I was numbing myself by zoning out of my life that was my effort to hide my sadness.

That didn't work out for me so well, instead it built up more and I tried numbing it more. I ignored everything, I would come home, veg in front of the TV then go on the computer, then sleep. Anytime I thought about the sadness that was threatening to engulf me at any moment ... I dove into anything and everything that would cover the sadness. It didn't work though as it rarely does, what it does instead, it ends up destroying me. I don't know about other people, I just know about me and whenever I bury something, it comes back stronger.

Then like I wrote before, an incident at Christmas was eye opening to me... and I knew that if I was to ever overcome the sadness, I had to feel every last bit of it. Hence why I don't sleep as much as I should, my mind never turns off. What I neglected to see through the last year and a half was that I was angry too... that was not something I wanted to admit to myself, let alone anyone else. However; I had to let myself feel that too... that was what last nights post was about...

I was angry at 'him' for a number of reasons that I won't go into here... I do wish I could have said the words I had inside to him, he needs to know... but then I don't think he would own the truths, instead he'd lay more blame outside of himself, probably on me. I actually took the blame he laid on me at first but as time went on, I realized he was afraid of what I knew and what I could say. This proved he never really knew me and it took me a long time to accept that... because if he had really known me, he would have known that I would never ever do anything to hurt him... even though he had hurt me more than I ever thought possible.

I let go of the anger before the New Year... I didn't want to bring it with me, the sadness is slowly going away. It's because I am changing my life, this year is really about 'No Excuses' for me. I rarely miss a day of exercise, if I cannot walk because of nasty weather, I have danced and I am continually looking for alternatives. I want to be successful, so I am thinking outside the box daily.

I cleaned and organized my home a bit more, little by little I am going to be ready to move and really make a new start by downsizing to absolute necessities. The more things I have, the more clutter I have... the less peace I have. I am making and keeping plans with friends, there is a dance this weekend coming up and I am going, I even have a little black dress for it (my first one). I plan to just have fun and dance with my girlfriends... As well I have made commitments to have people over and just talk... I think with the internet we lost that ability for small chat... I miss that.

With everyday that goes by that I don't numb my feelings or thoughts... I see that I have two choices in front of me... one I can go back to where I was or two I can move forward, there honestly is no standing still. Since I know exactly what is back where I was, that is no longer an option for me... so moving forward is all I have, it's all we ever really have... 

I am giving up the idea that there are limitations on where I am and what I am able to achieve, if I decide to make a change and really put my mind to it, I am capable of achieving it ... it will take work but I am not afraid of putting in the hard work... I would be more afraid of not putting myself out there and conquering the trials that have been given to me... that would mean I was going backwards and not growing. That is unacceptable to me... For today and going forward it is full steam ahead and 'No More Excuses'.

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