My Challenge Of Forgiveness And Growth

I hope I can articulate what is inside me today, what has been inside of me for awhile... I have never been one that is at a loss for words either written or spoken. I have however; held things in when I write because I have felt they would be too raw or too open to say. This last week I have been thinking about forgiveness ... I truly believe that forgiving someone is the only way I can move forward. I came to understand this when I was fifteen years old and started praying that I would no longer have to live with my crazy, psychotic ex step mother Ruth...

For the ten years I was being raised by her I felt hatred for her, I couldn't fathom why she was so demeaning to me and my sisters... then I had a thought or inspiration that I needed to stop hating her because it was only hurting me... That was when I started praying daily for six months, all I really wanted in my heart was not to have to live with her anymore, I didn't wish her bad things, I actually hoped she would be happy one day because I came to know that she was very unhappy with herself... otherwise she would not have been so miserable to everyone around her, especially to three little girls that never did anything to hurt her.

Finally my father had his eyes opened and he left her, I was free and with that a load was removed from my shoulders where I could finally say what was in my heart without fear. I went through my life dealing with trials as we all do but always remembering that forgiveness was important for me to move on... I didn't want to hold on to anger or hate because I knew that was only holding me back. I also knew that although I forgave, it didn't mean that I was saying what people had done to me was okay, it just meant I wasn't going to hold on to it and let it destroy me.

This week I realized that there was someone else that I needed to forgive because each time I thought of 'her', I felt anger towards 'her'. I came to understand that 'she' is just insecure with who 'she' is and where 'she' is in her life, if 'she' was secure 'she' would have no need to hurt me. I am forgiving 'her' today and I will no longer think of 'her', other than to wish 'her' happiness... I don't want 'her' drama in my life anymore and I hope 'she' will finally move on from me. Truthfully, 'she' has hurt me more than anyone I know, there is nothing else 'she' can do to hurt me. I survived all the lies and pain she dealt me in the last year and a half and actually I thrived... I am better for what I went through, I am stronger and I have come to love myself even more. Hopefully one day 'she' will come to love herself and know that hurting others is not the way to get there, the only way is by loving yourself.

I need to say one thing here, life is not about getting what we 'think' we deserve, no one deserves more than someone else because of the trials they have gone through. If that were true I would be in an honest and loving relationship right now, for I have had to deal with trials that seemed insurmountable. However; that is not how life works... I deserve as much happiness as the next person and I know that although the challenges I have been dealt with were awful, they were no worse than what other people have dealt with, they are just different. My trials are given to me to help me grow just as others have their challenges given to them to help them to grow.

I believe that growth comes from 'how' we handle the challenges we are given... and not just by getting through them...

Follow along!
Facebook //  Twitter //  Google Plus //  Bloglovin //  Instagram //  Pinterest //