Loving Myself Is The Answer

I read this quote on Instagram and I was completely touched by it. It reminded me of how many times I had removed 'jewels' from my crown so that a man would 'love me' ... instead of finding a man that was worthy of me, I had lowered myself more times than I care to remember. Over the years I wondered what was wrong with me? Why was I still single? Especially when being married to someone I loved and who loved me was all that I wanted. 

I have never been the girl who wanted the big career, I have never been the girl that wanted fame and I have never been the girl that wanted excessive money... I have been the girl that wanted love. When it didn't happen over the years, I had began to think it must be me, something I was doing wrong... over the last year and a half, it came to me that I had been selling myself short with the men that I had dated. I had forgot my worth. 

I got less then I deserved because I had expected it, in my mind I didn't deserve much more... all of this came after I had lost 'him' as my best friend... because at one time I had thought I was SO lucky to have 'him'... I neglected to remember that 'he' was lucky to have me. When 'he' stopped being friends with me due to a misunderstanding that I was not given a chance to explain, I ended up falling into a depression... this was when my eyes and my heart started to open more. 

I begin to see how I had thought I deserved so little over my life and this was why I had so little... what you expect is what you get... I remember a night 'he' and I were talking before 'he' came home and I was so excited and I told him I deserved 'him'... he stopped me that night and said, did I ever think it was 'him' that deserved me?... I was touched by what he had said but I didn't believe it for a very long time. 

What we both neglected to remember was that love isn't about deserving one another, love is about loving ourselves first and giving the best of ourselves to the other person. I now know that I had not loved myself enough and because I didn't I was not able to truly love anyone else enough. I had lived with fear that I was going to be alone, since I couldn't love myself, how could anyone else love me either. 

Although I may not find the love of my life, I now know more than ever that I want nothing less ... especially since I am willing to give my all to the right person if they were to come along. I never thought I would write this or more I never thought I would believe this... but I would rather be alone than be with someone who didn't truly love me... I love myself enough to never settle for someone just because I think I deserve some kind of love. 

The truth is we all deserve love, the question is do we know that loving ourselves is really the answer?

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I Had And Have A Choice

I'm going to talk about something that happened at church Sunday, I rarely discuss my religion on the blog and I'm not really going to start today... but I needed to explain how I was emotionally touched and it came from a lesson there.

It was about how we needed to listen and follow a certain path if we really wanted to be happy. I knew what they meant but it brought up emotions that I wasn't able to deal with as well as I had hoped... I broke down crying. I wanted to share my feelings with the other ladies there but I wondered if it would be too much for them.

This was because I thought about the many paths that I have followed in the past, many of them dark and empty, all because I was looking for peace and happiness. None of those paths I chose brought this to me, when a challenge came up in the past, I wasn't always strong enough to make the right choices...

I was dealing with the aftermath of my trials and my choices ended up having me fall deeper into darkness. There would be times I would have some clarity here and there, where I'd turn things around but none of them were real life changes as the next trial that would come along, I would fall back into old patterns.

I don't think most people knew how far I fell... it wasn't pretty, there were times I was out of control, so out of control... I couldn't even admit it to myself. It wasn't until this Christmas past that I gained a clarity that I had not felt for many years, where I came to understand that I could not continue on those paths... as I knew that no matter how hard I tried to cover the pain, it wasn't working anymore.

With that clarity came more trials then even I thought possible ... there has been incredible opposition but I knew this would happen as I can I see the trials for what they are and I am making other choices... ones that don't involve hurting myself anymore ... choices that are helping me to see even more clearly.

I remembered of course that I'm just human, I made mistakes, I will make more... ones that are hard to live with, ones that formed my future and although I can move forward and make better choices which I plan to and I have... I still have to live with the choices from the past.

Don't get me wrong, I do believe in true forgiveness and I have forgiven myself for the poor choices I made... most of them out of sheer sadness and depression... some made because I was beyond exhausted from lack of sleep and I knew of no other way at the time.

Regardless of the reasons,  I understand I was a hostage to my choices and that even though I had once thought I was free because I could make them, I was actually more unhappy because of them... Changing those choices brought me a freedom I needed.

I'd like to say that it is easier now but that's not so... but like that quote about it not being easy but it being worth it.. I believe that now. The greatest thing I learned was that I had and have a choice...

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All The Scars That Made Me Stronger

This last week was a week that gave me time to reflect, due to two massive snowstorms that essentially shut our city down. We had so much snow that it was actually a little scary... I thought about people who might need medical care or if a fire were to happen.

Thankfully I didn't lose power, so I just waited it out. I do live very close to a store that is open 24/7, so I ventured out there once the storm stopped. What normally takes me 3-4 minutes to get there, took me about 10-12 minutes of hard exercise. I used muscles I didn't even know I had.

We are all hoping this is the last of it, it's been a long hard Winter here that has made me think about some alternatives. Which I'll get into later after I look into my options more in depth. The Maritimes can be a tough place for the Winters, yet I am aware that all places have there weather issues.

It's much like the trials we have been given throughout our lives... we often think life would be easier without the challenges we have ... but truthfully aren't they what makes us who we are? Sometimes I feel so overwhelmed by them and I just want to hide but there's a part of me that won't allow that.

I'm sure many of you know that I was burned in a fire when I was 15 months old, I wrote about it in the post The Fire - 48 Years Ago. Over the years I have often wondered where I would be in this life if I had not had to deal with the trial of the fire. I learned early on that we are not truly loved for what we look like on the outside, that comes from who we really are on the inside.

I have thought over the years that my being scarred has prevented me from finding love. I have even had a few men tell me that it bothered them, which hurt but I came to the conclusion that if they could not see past the outer me, they were missing out on the real me.

I am the girl who would love someone with her whole heart and I would be tenacious enough to never give up because of superficial things. I feel sorry for the men I have met in my life who couldn't look past the scars I have...We all have them, some of ours are more visible than others.

Even though my life was incredibly difficult with having to live with the scars, I don't think I would change it if I could because I might not have learned that we are not truly loved for who we are on the outside, it is what is inside that counts.

I believe those scars made me stronger, kinder and more compassionate than I would have been without them. They helped me to be more real, more myself and more understanding... I wouldn't trade them for anything. 

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The Answer To My Trials Is 'Try Me'

I was waiting to write a post after my blog makeover was complete, I am just waiting for the new header, I won a make over from Kristina of Kaye Luxe Design by entering a contest through Anett from Bella Pummarola ... to say I was excited to win would not be a good enough word to convey how happy I was about it... I had been thinking how I needed to have an overhaul of my blog, as change can be really good. However; I did not have the money I needed to do this, nor the technical ability... so winning this made me see how blessed I was that the opportunity came about after I had been thinking about how I could make the changes. 

This week was also a difficult one for me, it found me using excuses... so much so that I couldn't even write, each time I sat down to write, I would find something else to do... Writing meant that I would have to admit that I was using excuses and I am not one that likes to admit that I have allowed a trial to win or control me. Some challenges are more difficult to deal with, especially the kind where I can't stand up and defend myself.

I am one of those people who wants to defend myself when I feel attacked, this trial had me frozen though, I kept thinking how unfair it was that I was not able to defend myself but as the week moved on, I knew that no amount of defending myself would change what was said or done to me... Sometimes it is true and that I have to let go, walk away and not look back because defending myself would just be giving it more power. 

Then I remembered the quote above and realized my best answer to this trial was not to say Why me?... it was to say Try me... I am not giving up on myself because of one petty trial or challenge... I am much stronger than that. We are starting another challenge at work to lose weight but really more to get healthy... I am using that to kick start this Spring into the Summer to become the best me. I have my Fit Bit that I am going to be using to keep track of my steps and keep my goals in line. 

Mostly, I am going to find solutions to each excuse that I have used this week and find a good way to deal with the next challenge that will come along... unfortunately that will happen, knowing it and being prepared is half the battle. Pretending it won't come along is burying my head in the sand and setting myself up for failure. I won't be failing, I will be succeeding...

From now on my answer to needing to defend myself against a trial is not going to be Why me?... it is always going to be Try me... 

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Judgment Is Just Fear

Judging is a part of life and not necessarily a good part, we all do it to some degree ... I would love to say that I don't judge people as much as I try not to... What I have learned instead is to recognize why I have judged and then work on changing that feeling or thought. The most difficult judgements for me to let go of are when other people judge me and I feel like I have no way to defend myself.

It is easy to want to strike back at someone when they are mean and hurtful to me for no reason, especially when they don't even know me... I have dealt with this in my life, more now that part of my life is on the internet. However; I cannot let what other people say or do 'anonymously' or otherwise affect me. Just because they say it, doesn't make it true, instead I need to work on myself, forgive them and move on...

Of course this is much easier said then done, it's something I work on daily... since I am conscious of forgiveness and the importance of it. I need to be more conscious of my judgments and remember that when someone is judging me, they really are reflecting their own fears and insecurities about themselves... because when I think about the times in my life where I was judgmental, I came to realize that it was from my own fears.


So now I am back to forgiveness, they both go hand in hand... believe me when I say that I understand how easy it would be to get back at people that hurt me out of their own fears and insecurities. This week has been a testing ground for me and I wanted to let everything out to them and say There you go, are you happy now? Because I certainly could let everything out but I won't, that is not who I want to be, I am better than that.

I will take the trial I was given this week for just that, a trial... I won't be sucked into their fears and strike back just because it is easy. The easy way out never helps me in the long term... it feels good for the moment; ultimately if I fight back I won't feel good when it is all said and done. So, I won't be lowering myself to their level, I will be rising above it all. In the process, I will be wishing them the best and hoping they can find a way to move on from their fears and insecurities.

Judgements are just fears that we are not good enough, getting past the fear is where the growth begins... I personally want the growth, so I will do the work to get past any fears I have... because I am more than good enough...

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