Rising Above My Challenges

I believe that there is nothing we cannot change as long as we want it badly enough... and for me as with others it is always a balancing act of finding new ways to stay engaged with the changes. I find that I make a goal and once I succeed I get bored and go back to my old ways. This is our nature, at least it is mine... I don't like failure (who does?) so I make small goals, instead of putting my whole heart into a bigger goal, which works to some degree, however; I always have to be evolving and reaching for more.

I was talking with some people about how we feel lost in our lives through the addictions we have... we all have them, some are very apparent, others we are able to hide more easily. When we are in the middle of these addictions we are sure there is no way out but there always is, is it easy? No, not easy at all... as a matter of fact, it will probably be harder than anything we have ever done. Addictions are strong, yet I believe we are stronger than any of our weaknesses.

For the past few years, actually if I am being totally honest, for the past 15 years I have been living my life in ways I have not been happy with... I became disappointed as I had goals and I never seemed to be able to attain them... I gave up and decided if I could not have them I would live my life anyway I liked. I sunk into all my weaknesses, I mean it was my life after all... I could make those decisions, it wasn't anyone else's to make right?

I am here to tell you that not one of them brought me happiness or joy, not one... sure, I had some short lived happy moments but nothing lasting... Everything came to a head on Christmas day last year, I was directly in the middle of all my addictions and I was so unhappy... as I have written before I had an event happen that could have completely destroyed me ... but I chose to go the other way. I admitted to myself that none of what I was doing was making me happy and that although I was willing to give it all up, I knew it would be hard and I would have more difficult choices in front of me, I knew deep down, it would be worth it.

I learned a great deal about myself in the past few months with that one event... I changed my life into another direction. What I learned the most was that I had not dreamed big enough and I had given up on myself... so although I did not attain the goals I had wanted to ... I should not give up on them as some of them are lifetime goals that I need to continue working towards. It is like my exercise and eating healthy, this is not just for today or until I get to a certain weight... this is a lifetime goal that I need to work on.

The minute I made the choice to change, I was relieved ... and although the path has been a twisting and rocky one back, it is one I plan to stay on... Although I may stumble, I will not stay down, I will always rise up and meet the next challenge. I would love to thank the person who caused the event in my life on Christmas day, for if she had not gone out of her way to hurt me, I would probably still be in my addictions and unhappy. Instead I took that event and made a choice to rise above it all ...

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My Amazing Bumpy Journey

This week has been both busy and inspirational... I felt lost and focused at the same time... one of those oxymoron's in life. While I was working on my exercise, I had let other things slide. Part of me kept thinking I should and could keep up with everything I need to do... don't other people do this? I must be prioritizing wrong, maybe if I just sat down and made a plan? Each time I would try to do this, something else would pop up. What I ended up figuring out... which I have always known, was that I have no need to keep up with others, just because I think I should.

When I try to keep up, being the best housekeeper, being the best blogger, doing the most exercise... on and on... I end up not being good at anything. I end up zoning out and throwing the towel in and figuring I will do it all tomorrow. I am not everyone else, I am not here to show that everything is perfect, nothing is perfect... everything is work which is fine. I am not trying to show anyone that you can have it all, I think we all have to make choices, ones that are good for us.

For me at the moment, exercising, getting healthy and becoming strong are at the top of my list... I don't want to look back in a year and say, darn, I wish I had started then... do you see that I didn't write about how I wanted to lose weight? I have weight I want to lose but that is not top priority, I believe if I get healthy, become strong and exercise, the weight will work itself out.

Another thing that is important to me of course is being a good mother, I haven't always been one, due to depression in my life... I can tell you that when depression happens to you, you can never understand how difficult it is to function, let alone be a good mother. I have been at the point that I have done the bare necessities... luckily for me I have had very good people in my life that have stepped up and helped me, instead of judging me. I think we all need to remember this as many of us are dealing with much more than any of us are aware of.

The third most important thing to me is getting myself right spiritually... this is not for everyone but it is for me, it helps me to balance my life out... when I am not working on my spiritual side, I am floundering constantly... I am doing things that ultimately make me unhappy which then lead me into a more difficult cycle... it is like I have no purpose. It isn't that life becomes simple as that would be a joke because when I decided to work on that part of my life, everything and I mean everything came crashing in around me... but I knew that was a part of my journey.

I wrote a blog a few weeks ago and I had written how I may not find the love of my life and get married and how it was all that I had ever really wanted. Someone questioned me and made me think about that... why was that all I had ever wanted? Many people have questioned me over the years about that and I never had a good answer, other than I wanted it... I still don't have the answer... but for once in my life I am starting to question it...

I think each of us has to decide what is important to them and not worry about what is important to others... our journey is going to be different than other people and there is nothing wrong with that. What is important is our journey and what we learn along the way... Mine is and has been bumpy and I may not have always enjoyed every second of it but I can say I am happy to be on that journey. All the twists and turns I have made, have brought me to where I am today and made me a kinder and more compassionate person.

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Joy Comes Through Forgiveness

I had to come back to update here... the most important thing that happened this week was that my daughter Andrea had her second child, a girl... she was born on Monday night, her name is Arianna and she is adorable... I am now a Glama nana twice over... I have two beautiful grandchildren to love now... Jackson is a wonderful big brother... I wish I could be there for all of them... hopefully in the near future <3

I have been behind in posting a new blog, first I was super busy with getting all my steps in each day... then Saturday came along and I went to a funeral, I didn't know the man very well ... I went to support someone else... but it is never easy attending functions like this... Then Sunday (today), I spent the better part of my day at church... it was what I needed.

I heard something that really resonated with me about forgiveness, I truly am a person that believes that forgiveness is the only way to free ourselves... I have talked about this many times. I have pondered and thought deeply about the subject because I don't like holding hatred or mean thoughts in my heart for someone as I know that it only hurts me. More often than not, the other person could care less if I forgive them... it is more about freeing myself.

I think about my ex stepmother Ruth who physically and emotionally abused me and my sisters... I was able to forgive her... and Andrey my ex husband who raped me... I forgave him... Today, I knew that although I have talked about forgiving another person that has gone out of her way to hurt me on numerous occasions, I had not truly forgiven her. I held on to my bad feelings for her because no matter how much I had tried to move forward, I kept hearing about how she dislikes me and talks poorly about me. She is one of my biggest challenges and one that I plan to overcome.

Regardless of how she feels about me, I cannot continue to have bad feelings towards her... I have to truly forgive her... I can't begin to explain how hard that is going to be for me. From what I have been told, she feels I am trying to hurt her when that is the farthest thing from my mind... it is not in my heart to even think that way. However; she doesn't know me or she would not think that of me...

One thing I learned today was that of course Heavenly Father forgives us all for the mistakes and judgements we make... because He does, I have to do the same. Frankly no matter what I do or say, this woman isn't going to like me and not forgiving her is only holding me back. Once I truly forgive her for everything she has done to hurt me is when I will be free and she will not have a hold over me any longer.

It is a day I look forward to... I Tweeted the other day how I am not going to let one person diminish the fact that there are many people who think I am wonderful... that is her issue... not mine. Today reinforced that for me even more, almost like an answer to how I was going to forgive her?... Heavenly Father has already forgiven her, I need to extend the same to her, whether or not she moves on from her bad feelings towards me, it is not my issue to worry about any longer.

I truly hope one day that she sees her own worth and realizes that continuing to find ways to hurt me because of her own insecurities, is not the way for her to have joy. I have realized that holding on to bad feelings for her is not the way for me to have joy... besides I know my worth and I am happy to say that I deserve good things and good people in my life... maybe one day she will know that she deserves the same.

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I Made The Choice To Change

This week found me taking some much needed time for myself, I had been letting myself do what I wanted when it came to eating and lack of exercise... I had a 'good' excuse with the weather being so nasty that I had given up on myself in the past six weeks. Finally I am seeing a light at the end of the tunnel of this Winter... before I saw it though, I had made a decision to change my mindset. I kept saying there was no where to walk for me but I live close to a grocery store and across the street from a mall that keeps their areas very well cleaned.

Four days ago, I decided that although it was not my optimum walk that I wanted to do, I mapped out a path of a mile in a figure eight around both areas. I cannot begin to tell you how much better I have felt physically and emotionally with the exercising back in my life. I also know there will be days where other weather conditions will take over and attempt to give me excuses not to exercise. For the rain, I have a great pair of rain boots and a raincoat.... so what if I get wet, this is my health and that is important to me to look after myself.

As well, I will have down times from cardio, it's not good to do it every single day, even if I enjoy it... yes, you are reading this correctly, I enjoy cardio. It feels good to push myself beyond what I think I am capable of, I am slowly building up as I am going to be completing a 10K this Fall. The sign up for it is in May, once I pay for it then, I will have no more excuses not to do it... I don't care that it will cost me money to join up, I am worth the money. Although I do plan to run some of this 10K, I will most likely walk/jog most of it and that is okay with me... completing it is my goal.

I will be keeping you up to date with my progress as I go along... I am excited that I have finally decided to get back on track. I had allowed the Winter to get in my way, I know that before the next Winter gets here, I will have to have a plan in place so that I don't let it give me excuses not to succeed... Nobody can make me want this for myself, I am the only one... and although I am highly competitive... I am more so that way with myself. Each time I go out, I try to be better than I was the last time...

I am aware that life will get in the way and that I will not be on all the time, I love to think that I will but that is not realistic... however; I am not giving myself permission to go off the rails for any length of time... I am accountable to myself. Ways that I am going to be accountable is with using My Fitness Pal and tracking my food everyday... using Map My Walk and turning it on whenever I am walking... as well using my Fitbit to keep track of steps.

Today was one of my first tests, when I went to bed last night, I saw on the Weather Network that it was going to snow today (UGH)... I made a decision right away that when I got up, I was going to go for my walk first thing... It was cold as I only had a tee and a hoodie on... but I know myself in that I become extremely hot the further I walk... I sucked it up, did a four mile walk/jog and had a small rest and then went out and did another mile... I just looked outside and it is snowing... exercising is going to be about being prepared and doing the hard work.

I had allowed circumstances and people to get in the way of my desire to be healthy and strong... No one can make me do the hard work that is needed, I had to decide I was important enough, I had to make the choice to change...

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