Trust Can Be A Scary Two Way Street

I have been wanting to write all weekend, there seemed to be one thing or another that got in the way of that, so I finally had time to sit down and write and then the computer was acting up... I thought I might have to blog from my phone and that did not excite me... I would much rather type on a keyboard. Anyhow, I finally got my computer working.

So, I had this pretty wonderful week that I was flying high, I have been talking to the new guy a great deal... then on Saturday he surprised me with a text that he was going to be in Halifax for a few hours and he wanted to spend that time with me. We talk non stop on the phone... okay, if I am being honest, I talk non stop ... lol... he said he loves listening to me talk, he is a keeper. I do ask plenty of questions which he openly answers, however; getting to see him face to face is even better. 

We just went for a drive and talked even more than usual, you can't beat seeing each other while you are talking and being able to hold hands. He tells me all the time he is the luckiest guy to have found me... I think that is sweet but I also think we are equally lucky, I didn't and don't want to be on some sort of pedestal... I am NOT perfect I have made many mistakes, he said he doesn't care and that although he thinks I am pretty wonderful, he won't put me on a pedestal, there is no where to go but down from there.

I have decided that I will put my heart out there and give him a chance, can I tell you all how scary that is... well, it is about the scariest thing I have done in years. This coming from a girl who wants that commitment ... I know how far down I am capable of falling after trusting someone with my heart in the past and frankly that scares me more than anything I have had to deal with... He's afraid too... he has been hurt, I told him I thought we were worth the try, he said yes... and that he knew I was more than worth trying for..

Even though it is has been a little challenging with his work and having to be out of town... he is very transparent with me and I actually think the distance has been a good thing. It has forced us to talk a lot and really get to know each other and the few times we have been able to get together we are both so excited that we laugh and talk endlessly wanting to find out as much as we can about the other. Thankfully, he has downtime in the Winter where we can really have one on one time to spend together, by then we will both know what we truly want from the other...

Here is my dilemma because of the way men have treated me in the past I find it extremely difficult to trust them ... I have told him that and he said he understands, he knows how men can be and he can understand where I am coming from. I told him I am tired of games and I won't play any of them... he told me he's not out to play with me, he is out to win my heart... I am going to trust him unless he gives me an excuse not to... he's doing the same with me... Trust can be a scary two way street... so far so good.

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A Man Who Knows My Worth

It has been another week of ups and downs... I guess that is what life is about, having ups and downs and seeing how we deal with them. I see where I could use some improvement, which is good... the past me would have been wondering why I had to deal with more challenges than I thought I was capable of handling? The me today wonders what I am supposed to be learning from them?

I haven't put my relationship out on social media and I don't plan to for a while but I can say I am dating someone, he is very nice, kind, honest and very good to me. Our challenge will be his job which takes him away for a week here, two weeks there... We still talk and text often while he is away, he is very transparent and open about what he wants. This will be up to me ultimately, what I can handle.

A little back story here about us, which I wanted to tell him first before I wrote it here... He and I were in contact about two years ago and trying to meet, before we could meet, he was transferred to another province which ended up lasting for nearly two years... we didn't talk again until a month ago when he came home and we found each other again. To say we were both extremely excited would be mild, we had a connection and we were thrilled that we were both still single.

I told him today that it really was a good thing that he had been transferred out a couple of years ago because although I was interested in him... I still was not over 'Him'... we probably would not have worked out back then as I was not ready to commit to anyone... I am actually grateful that I had that time to work through all my feelings for 'Him' so that I am ready to honestly look at being involved with someone else.

I won't have secrets from him, my life is pretty much an open book due to writing about it here and I am comfortable with that... I don't know what the future holds with us but for now it is fun, good and we are both happy to get to know each other. We have met of course and he is very sweet... we have to work a little harder to have and maintain a relationship due to his job. However; I think he is worth it and he tells me all the time I am worth the effort.

I like that, a man who knows my worth.... of course I had to know my own self worth first and once I learned that, everything else started falling into place...

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I'm Making Memories, Not Just Dreaming

 

What a week I've had ... I started it out on a low and ended it on a high. I was pretty frustrated with how I was feeling and how I couldn't seem to change it... This week was a learning and growing week for me.  I've been talking with a guy, somebody I talked to a couple of years ago. I won't be discussing him openly if and until this becomes something more, even then I won't be gushing about how lucky I am over social media.

I don't need a man to make me happy... of course I want someone special to spend my life with but I can guarantee he will have to put the work in to prove he's serious. I want a real commitment, I'm not a teenager, I won't be endlessly dating, nor do I plan to live with any man until he figures out what he wants. Why? Because I'm a girl that has finally learned that I will not accept less.

What brought me to this point? Friends and acquaintances who were posting about how lucky they were to have so and so or stating how so and so loved them and how blessed they were because of this... I actually sat back and thought what? You know what I thought when I read these things? I felt sad for these women who seemed to think they had to thank the men they were with for loving them... my personal thought was, how about loving themselves first?

I say this because I was there before... I remember how lucky I felt that 'he' wanted to date me, I was over the moon... wow... I thought so little of myself. Today I'm in a much different place ... I had my eyes opened in the past year. My wish is that we all remember our worth and stop gushing about how lucky we are to have a man. We all deserve love and finding/having love doesn't make us luckier... posting about it endlessly makes us sound insecure. 

My life is pretty full with Valentina, work, exercise, blogging... the list is long. Although I have not ruled out love, I have to tell you that the guy that wins my heart will have to be pretty special... I want an equal partner, one that sees how incredibly special I am too... I plan to make memories, not just dream about what I want in my life...

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Learning To Rise Again

I want to thank everyone for their kind comments and messages from last week, I had been feeling very vulnerable and overwhelmed... there are many changes I am dealing with as we all are and I know that none of us have it simple... The point that I wanted to get across last week was that there are times we all feel down and we need to be able to express this, we shouldn't live there as that isn't healthy for us either but I believe we all need to have our feelings validated from time to time. 

Our biggest successes in life come from rising after a fall.. no one likes to fail, it can paralyze us from trying again but if we allow it to stop us we will never grow... It's what I have been going through for the last couple of years. I have been frozen with fear to really give love a chance again and not because love didn't work out for him and me, I knew that for a very long time and had come to terms with it before.

What had me stuck for so long was how we had shared everything, all of our hopes, our dreams and how we were the best of friends. I believed I could count on him when I needed to vent or talk about a trial I was going through... and he could most certainly count on me, even today. When I lost that relationship I lost my ability to trust anyone. I put on the face, said the right things but deep down inside I was lost for a very long time. 

I had fallen further than I had ever fallen in my life... I kept thinking there was no way I could get back to trusting anyone and definitely not like that again... if he and I could share so many things on such a deep and personal level and still have our friendship fall completely apart... how could I honestly learn to trust anyone even a little? It was then that I thought about how trusting was really learning and that although I fell, I needed to continue to rise. 

I guarantee it will be difficult for me to fully trust anyone like I did him... but what I am willing to do today, is start to trust just a little and build from there. Eventually I will trust someone as much or maybe even more than I did him... When I think of other extremely difficult trials I have overcome, none of them were easy but I found a way to rise each time. For I never want to stop learning as that is how I will grow and become stronger.

Maybe that is what he was in my life for, to teach me that even if everything we believe in fails and we fall, it matters that we always rise and learn to try again.

 

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