Love Is Never Easy

Last week was my birthday week, I took two days off to have an extra long weekend. I didn't do a whole lot other then rest and walk whenever possible. We have this really great trail near where I live that I have come to love. I wish I had started using it earlier this year as there are only a few places I have to worry about crossing a road, it is quite level and it is beautiful. I will be using this as much as possible as it is quiet and very serene.

So, last week I explained that things did not work out between him and I as 'apparently' he has taken a job out West. I really didn't want to write about it because I knew that I was going to hear all the pat answers I didn't want to hear. It was inevitable since most of us are wired to want to say something/anything to make someone feel better. I want to address a few things here. 

First, I did not chase him or search for love, I was prepared to cancel the dating service I was on when he messaged me. I was intrigued as we had spoken at great length a couple of years ago. Second, I do love myself... I could not have said this a few years ago, I don't think wanting romantic love means that I don't love myself... Third, I think it is wonderful for people that enjoy being alone, let me say this, 'good for you'... I may have to be alone but that does not mean I am going to be thrilled about it, I would much rather share my life with someone who I love and who loves me. Fourth, I have a wonderful family and many good friends, unfortunately they don't always fill the void that craves romantic love... that doesn't mean I am not grateful for them.

The most important thing I wanted to say was in no way do I think love is easy. I know it's not perfect and simple to achieve... I know that no one has a perfect love where everything runs smoothly all the time. I also know that social media gives this illusion at times.... of course we as human beings don't want to post that things are not perfect, most of us don't want to do this because we don't want to be negative. Other people are insecure when they are over posting about how perfect the person that they are with is... the truth is, no one is perfect.

I am grateful that I didn't put him and I all over social media and only generically mentioned him in the blog. I think it would have been more difficult otherwise... Losing him was really nothing, I barely knew him, I didn't have time to have real feelings for him... what it did was make me build higher walls as I had started to trust again; it brought up old feelings and reminded me of how broken my heart was a few years ago... I thought I had come a long way and put that behind me, this showed me that maybe I am not quite ready yet.

For the time being I won't be dating and quite frankly as much as I want that great love in my life, it will have to wait... He will have to jump through hoops of fire to prove he is worthy of me... I give myself over to love completely when I love someone, the next time if it is to happen, the guy will have to go to great lengths to show me he is serious. I deserve absolutely nothing less... besides I know love is never easy but it's worth it...

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Letting Go Of One Dream To Find Another One

I have been holding back writing, I had a huge disappointment this week and I didn't want to come here and write from that place. Instead I walked another 50+ miles this week, over 100,000 steps and 11 hours of hard exercise. I know that I can't keep on this way, I need to figure out another way to deal with disappointment. So, 'the guy' called me this week to tell me he was taking job out West, just out of the blue. I honestly don't know what to think... I keep questioning why he would start a relationship if he had applied for a job so far away.

What I decided from all this was that I don't think I have what it takes emotionally to date. I don't understand games, I don't understand dishonesty... I just can't understand any of it. I don't know what this means long term for me but for now I won't let anyone into my life. It is much to hard to trust and find out they were not who they portrayed themselves to be. I really thought I had made myself clear with this guy, I thought we were both on the same page but he ended up being like every other man I have known. 

What did I learn from all this? I need to take a step back and just take care of myself, maybe just accept the fact that I may have to be single. I can't begin to tell you how much that sucks for me, we all want certain things and dreams for ourselves and unfortunately some of them never come to pass... Learning to deal with the disappointment might be the challenge I have to get through, accepting that my destiny doesn't include a long term love.

This has been a very emotional week for me, I have had a lot of time to think about what I really want. Things I don't want to hear is 'Maybe he wasn't the right guy but hold on the right guy will be there' or 'Don't give up, the right guy will be around the corner' or 'You deserve someone good' ... We all deserve to have the hopes and dreams we want, no one deserves it more than another person... Although I know I would be an amazing partner, I may never get that chance and I am going to have to learn to deal with that...

I am going to take the rest of this summer to continue to exercise and make some long term plans for my life. I have not been happy for a very long time, I need to find a way to have some joy in my life today. When I wrote last week that I had hope that I would have happiness in the future, many people reached out to me to say that happiness isn't in the future, it is something we should have now... others suggested that all I needed to do was choose it and that I could have it now...

I truly wish it was that easy, I think I have to figure out a way to get passed the disappointments I have had in my life and come to terms with the fact that I am not going to have the dream I have always wanted for my life. I think then I can move on and really find happiness and joy...

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What I Learned From My Break

What did I learn from my blogging break? I learn something different everytime I take a break, there are various reasons each time. This time I learned that I wasn't handling my life well. There were things coming up that I just wanted to ignore... Ignore them I did by filling every moment with social media.   If I did that I didn't have to deal with what was in front of me. I have done this with numerous other things over the years and now I used blogging and social media. It's not a bad thing to be involved... I love being able to interact with each of you and getting to know you all more personally makes me happy.

I have decided that I will continue to read blogs but maybe comment a little less... I will always be there supporting each of you but I also need to have time to care for myself. I had given up on walking and eating healthy (another coping mechanism) ... this week I changed it and I want to keep on this path.   In this last week I walked over 50 miles (100,000+ steps), which ended up being over 10 hours of active exercise. I know that won't be possible every week but I am commiting to at least 5-6 hours per week and I'd also like to get 50,000-60,000 steps in. I think these are strong and attainable goals.   I'm setting myself up for success, I have NO desire to go back to where I was in my life... I was not happy and admittedly I'm not all that happy at the moment. However; saying this I know with a surety that I never had a chance of being happy where I was... but today that happiness is definitely a possibility in the future.

As for the guy, he will remain 'the guy' for now and for some time... Building a relationship is difficult enough as it is, bringing social media into it early on only challenges it more. Right now it's good, we are committed and happy with each other... He makes me smile and he's told me that I make him very happy too... we've both been burned but we both want to get passed our past and live in the present.   What I learned from my blogging and social media break was that I can't ignore what's going on around me by filling up every minute with busy things... I need to make time for me to think and clear my mind daily... Walking, meditation and prayer are the three things I'm going to do for me.
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It's Okay To Take A Break

I'm going to be taking a blog and social media break, there are a lot of things going on in my life. I need to figure out how to fit me back into the mix. I have been on the bottom of my list of priorities. As well, I've had a great deal on my mind and instead of dealing with it, I use blogging and social media to escape... but that is not conducive to dealing with any issue. As with everything, balance is the key... I haven't had balance for a very long time.

I know that it's not possible to be balanced all the time ... that is what challenges do, take you off balance to see how you deal with it... I don't always deal with it/them the way I want to.. I don't know how long I'll be gone ... not for good. I need to write, it's like breathing air for me and I love being connected with all of you. Many I'm happy to call friends... many I want to meet..

I will miss catching up with all of you, it's okay to take a break right? I'll be back soon, hopefully with some wonderful new insight. 

(Please feel free to email me if you want to at tweety_pie_36@hotmail.com)

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