One Moment At A Time

I am not one to make resolutions for the New Year, as I find that most times it is just a set up for failure.  I do believe in setting goals, I just don't like doing it at a set time... for me, I just have to do it when I am ready, the day doesn't really matter.  I actually find the more I think of making a change in my life, the more I find excuses not to...

I have had plenty of challenging years but truthfully who has not? No one has an easy or perfect life, it just doesn't exist. As much as we get upset about the trials we encounter, they have the ability to make us better, stronger more empathetic. Believe me when I say that many challenges make absolutely no sense and actually leaves us wondering why we would have to deal with it. However; given time, I usually have come to understand why. 

When Andrey raped me over 8 years ago, I crawled into a shell, I lost my voice... but then I started writing to get it back... I made questionable choices because of the emotional pain I was going through. I am not going to say that I am happy I was raped but I gained a strength I was not aware that I had and I gained an empathy for other people that went through this and other tragedies.  

I have been reflecting on the insanity of this past year, wondering what I need to learn from it, the answers don't always come instantly, sometimes they take a great deal of time. I do know that I ended the year on brighter note, I had a lovely Christmas and I am feeling so relaxed now that I am working at home...  I do have a goal which is an ongoing one, I want to be healthy again... I believe that I was given the opportunity to work at home so that I would have the time to work on regaining my health, for this, I am incredibly grateful.

I feel like the last year of my life had me going backwards with my health, I miss how physically fit I was. I read the first quote by Tony Robbins where he said that making a decision in a moment can change the course of our lives... It had me thinking about the many times in my life where I was standing on the edge of change, questioning if I would be able to leap off and trust that I wouldn't fail. Often I looked over the edge and come up with excuses why leaping might not be the best thing to do... Ultimately, I made the decision to go with it, it was only then that I understood it was never as hard as I believed it would be... which makes me question why I keep holding myself back... 

 

The main thing I want to take away from my trials throughout the years is that no matter how difficult they may be, I am strong enough to handle them. I need to remember that while I am right in the middle of a challenge, there is always a way through. Nothing is permanent. Life is so much shorter than we truly know, with the passing years I have come to appreciate the moment I am in... As all we have is one moment at a time... 

I want to wish all my blog friends throughout the world a very Happy New Year, I hope it brings love, joy and gratitude ...💗💗💗

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Christmas Wish 2016

 Our Christmas Tree for 2016🎁🎀🎄

 

I have to say working from home has been SO good for me, I'm nowhere as exhausted as I was in the past. Last weekend I did all my Christmas shopping except for one item, then I had some company drop over last Saturday and they were sweet and offered to wrap all my gifts (this is my least favorite activity) ... for the first time in a very long time I am really looking forward to Christmas. I have tried to get into the spirit of it for the last couple of years but deep down it wasn't there... basically, I faked it until I made it. I could never fake it with myself, though, I just went through the motions.

I am excited that I will be having a few friends over for Christmas too, it has been a while since I hosted a holiday dinner. Tonight I will be watching all my favorite holiday movies while baking and cooking... It was a tradition for years when I was raising Andrea, now that I am working from home, I have the time to do the things I love for Christmas... I am happy that I am feeling the spirit of the season and that I am excited to celebrate the holidays.

This is just a short post to wish everyone one of you a happy holiday and a very Merry Christmas. Remember that this season is not always easy or happy for everyone, I hope that we can try to include those people who might be alone or in need of some love and kindness. This is my mission for next year and in the future, as love and relationships are what is the most important now and throughout the year.

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Backwards Then Forwards

So, it's been two weeks since I was given the opportunity to work from home and I have to say I am loving it. When I get a call near the end of my shift, I relax... I am not tense thinking about how I need to get to the bus stop. It has changed my mood greatly, I don't even think I knew how much it would alter my mood until I was finally working from home. I have been getting up each morning, making breakfast for Valentina and talking with her before she leaves for school... then when she arrives home after school we talk about her day. It has been so good not to feel pushed for time or to feel exhausted after a long day. 

This year is fast coming to a close, if I am being honest, I have to admit it has been a very difficult year... from being injured and unable to exercise the way I like or need...  to gaining the weight back that I worked so hard to take off and keep off... to dealing with depression and having to work through it . Thankfully I no longer have the commute which makes that part of my life easier, I am looking into new ideas to get my health back on track, now that I have the time. I'm also grateful to have made a new friend this year who is great to talk with and hang out together.

This weekend I am going to decorate my tree, my friend was kind enough to set it up and put the lights on... the difficult parts. She really shaped it nicely, I am looking forward to seeing how it turns out once I have completed it... I still have shopping to do, thankfully it's only for Valentina now, she keeps changing her list, she better get it finished so that I can get out and buy some of them. I have taped all my favorite Christmas shows, I am enjoying getting into the spirit of the season, all I will be needing is to get my holiday music started. 

I have been reading many blogs and it seems that there is a theme going around, one that I too have been thinking a great deal about... this year has flown, most of it I have not had the best attitude, I'm a little disappointed in myself as I believe it isn't about the challenges we are given so much as how we deal with them. Since I didn't have the greatest mindset, I feel that I missed out on the good things that were in front of me by wishing the year away being frustrated with the pain and endless waiting to work from home. 

Here's the lesson I learned, I need to remember that even when I am going through hard times, they aren't forever... even though it sometimes feels like it will never pass.  I have to slow down, listen and start looking for the blessings... they are there, it's a matter of where I put my focus. It's true that if you look for the negative you will find it, so I am regrouping and looking for the good. The trials come no matter what... so I don't need to look for them. It baffles me that I have to continually learn this lesson over and over... 

I am reminded that although I feel like I go backwards at times, I usually end up moving ahead  further once I have learned what I need to learn... I have not been present in my life this year, I have started being more present and I am going to take that into 2017. I am hoping by living in the moment that when those tests come along and they will, I want to remember that they won't last, so I won't waste energy being frustrated with them. I may take steps backwards but I will always step forward again...

 

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Finally

For anyone who isn't friends with me on my Facebook, I finally got the approval to work from home. I am really happy as I am sure you are all aware... we have had decent weather until this weekend... so, I was approved just in time before the winter started. I took this weekend to set everything up and verify it works properly. Down the road, I will be supplied the proper equipment from work, for now, I will make due with what I have... My friend is taking me over to the office some night this week so that I can retrieve my binders and personal items.

 

I changed my alarm clock right away, I am looking forward to an additional hour and a half of sleep... then I am making breakfast for Valentina. This has been the first weekend in a while that I have been so relaxed... I completed all the little projects I needed to do... in the past, I felt rushed trying to do everything I had to do and still get some downtime. I don't feel stressed about the long commute... once I got home on Friday, I realized how tense I was every morning and night... knowing I had the long trip. I suddenly felt at ease.

It's funny what I pushed myself to do, then when it changed, I realized through the transition that I was tense with having to force myself out daily. I also made plans with some friends to visit them... I know I will need to get out as people were concerned that with working at home I wouldn't get out. However; I think I will actually get out more and visit, hang with my friends.  I have actually felt cut off from my friends due to being exhausted by the time I got home from work.

 

I am sure I mentioned that I literally had a three hour plus commute per day, I am excited to have that time back to do more meaningful activities. I am considering joining the gym with the pool again, I would have time to enjoy it. I found I missed swimming after I spent the summer going to the lake with my friend.  I am thinking it will be a good way get back into exercising without putting too much stress on my knees and back.  

My mood changed drastically this past weekend, I am feeling like I have more opportunities opened to me. I also changed departments at work .. I am excited to be in a new position. It's nice to have a few good things happen to me all at once... I have hope that the transitions will put me on the path I've been working towards. I am even looking forward to the Christmas holidays, it has been a long time since I felt good about it... I've invited some people for dinner as noone should be alone this time of the year. 

 

I am going to purchace a bike this Spring, I have decided that this year is the one that I get back into living a healthy life. No more excuses, now that I have the time and means to achieve my goals... eventually I want to get back into walking, once I strengthen myself with swimming and biking. It's time for me to get back on the healthy track and do something for myself... Finally

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Someday I Will Know Why

Catching up has been a daunting task to say the least, I am hoping I didn't miss anyone... I follow a lot of blogs, I knew I did but it was still eye-opening.  It's been a busy week but really a good week, I sincerely missed being involved in the blogging world, it's like our own little family. Plus we are all open to meeting more people who are interested in being involved.  

This week I will be spending time getting my office completely organized, I purchased a huge cabinet so that I can get rid of all my smaller ones... It's quite the endeavor but it is going to be a great way of purging. I believe the more ready I am the easier the change will be, I really look forward to having time with Valentina and time for me to exercise. She even told me she wants it so that we can chat in the morning and have breakfast together...

I want to thank everyone for being so kind with your comments, part of my not wanting to write was because of the depression I am dealing with and not knowing how to be as  positive as I like to be when writing. I know we all have difficulties in life and it's not easy to have to read that someone is struggling, I am though... I am finding it a challenge to just get up, go to work and make it back home. Truthfully if it were not for my new friend, I often wonder if I would leave the house otherwise... Thankfully she is there to offer some outings that are good for me.

She has been the one who has come up with inexpensive ideas to make my home feel like a home because for eight years I kept thinking I was always going to move and I never truthfully settled here. Once I decided this is where I will be staying for years to come, she put up nice drapes, rearranged my kitchen to make it more open and comfortable... and found furniture for my office so that I will be set up for success to work from home... I feel like I am ready and I am grateful she has got me to that point.

I wanted to write with honesty here because although I am struggling ... I understand that many of us are dealing with overwhelming trials. Life isn't easy, nor do I expect that it should be. For with painful tests, they bring us experiences we might not aquire... It can take wisdom and years for us to see the benefits of any trial we may deal with... holding on until we can see the blessings from challenges is really all that we can do. I also am very aware that trying to have a good attidude will go a long way for me to handle the conflict given to me... 

Is it easy to always rise above controversy in our lives... no... but deep down I know it's worth it. I believe one day I will know and understand why I had to deal with something I felt I couldn't and maybe even be grateful... maybe. This is the reason that I keep putting one foot in front of the other... The knowledge and hope for the future...

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I Can't Fix It On My Own...

Hi everybody, I know it's been a long time... truthfully I wanted to write sooner and many more times than I can even say. I have been dealing with a lot of items. First, I am still not working from home but it is looking like it will happen in the near future. There were many changes at work which slowed me down from working at home but it seems to be on course now. Second, I have been trying to come to terms with the election in the USA... it has thrown me for a major loop. (I know many will have their own views on this and I appreciate there are differences. I don't want to discuss my politics here... I just wanted to explain my long absence) Third, my depression has been front and center with weight gain, lack of sleep and generally trying to focus. 

Saying all this, I realized that I really needed to write, I have missed everyone. I often wanted to check in with your blogs but because I follow so many, I couldn't pick and choose and I knew I couldn't handle reading all of them. This week I plan to take a little time each day to visit each and every one of you. I am truly grateful for so many of you who reached out to me through Instagram, Twitter, FaceBook, Email and of course here on my blog. All of them touched my heart to know I was missed and that so many people cared about me, thank you.

What did I learn from my time off, a lot... I was overwhelmed when I just decided one day to take some time, which stretched on and on. I felt as if I couldn't just come here and write and not interact with all of you and that wasn't something I could handle at the time. Lately, I knew I wanted to write, I needed to get my feelings out so that I could find ways to deal with emotions and trials I have right now. By not writing, I made things more difficult for myself...

 

For the past six weeks, I have tried to cope with emotions past and present... This is a really tough time of the year for me, I was reading through my blog posts, I could see this  pattern happening over and over... I have to find a way to make this time of the year good and fun again. It has been a long time since I have truly looked forward to it... I do the things I need to do but my heart isn't in it, it has not been for a very long time.

I don't think I have dealt with the core issue, if I had, I would not keep coming back to them over and over. When I was exercising I could hide my feelings there but once I hurt myself I had nowhere to hide anymore. I can tell you this, it sucks having to deal with emotions that I just want to go away. They never go away though, they will just compound until I face them.

 

I have a new friend, which I have needed for a very long time... she and I hang out regularly and talk a lot. While talking with her I understood I needed to write and also once I am working from home, I will find someone to talk with, to see if they have other solutions I could use to finally face the core emotions. Doing this on my own isn't working for me anymore... maybe that's the first step I have to take to make the changes ... admit I can't fix it on my own...

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Perspective

I'm overwhelmed with my life and I've decided I need to take some time off everything to clear my mind and be open to how to deal with it..... (No blogging even) 

 

 

I'll be back once I've gained some perspective.... Then I can catch up with all of you...

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Mediocrity Is Tenacious

I read this quote the other day and it resonated with me ... my friend and I were discussing how throughout our lives we have overcome one challenge or another and how good we felt about it. I told her how I was in the zone when I lost weight a few years ago and that when I was hurt, I let it slide and lately I have let mediocrity take over and why? Because it was easy. It was almost like I accepted it and believed it would just be better to give up... 

After I read this quote it made me remember how we might stumble and fall but we have a choice of staying there or getting back up, dusting myself off and making another choice.... because it is right, we are never done. There is no ending, there is only continual change. . . we don't just work out in the gym and say there, 'I'm done'... we can't just say I ate healthy and 'that's it'. I think we all want that, I know I wish it was easier as it sometimes feels overwhelming.

I am not back on track yet but I have a desire to get there, I haven't even had the true desire in such a long time. It has been frustrating to me as exercising is not easy at all, I am cognizant that I am going to have to put in more time at a slower and easier pace... I also need to commit to finding other ways to get to where I want to be. Just because I could walk for hours in the past doesn't mean that is the only way I can back to the path, the one where I felt healthy, strong and happy with where I was.  I was worried as winter is on its way and that time of the year tends to sideline me as it does many people...

Instead of thinking/believing I am set up to fail because of the weather, the weight and the physical pain I have... I just have to find another way, there is not just one path for us to get us to where we desire... There are many trails, falling backwards happens to us all, not staying there is a choice we each make. I was feeling helpless, out of control... sure there was no way to deal with the setback in my health...

Then I read the quote which popped out at me and reminded me I am tenacious, I have always been this way... I have made it through so many trials where once I was sure I wouldn't make it through. Like the quote says mediocrity is tenacious, I have to be more so... I need to be stronger than mediocrity... I cannot be comfortable when I make it to a certain destination... as the truth is that we should never be complacent and stop... we need to be reaching for the next desire that can help us grow.

I don't want to accept that failure is easier because I am tired of trying... that is definitely mediocrity that has found a way in ... basically, I let my guard down and I gave up but thankfully I don't have to stay there... I don't have to give up, I can keep fighting and I can succeed... I have to make that choice, I have done it in the past, I know I can do it again... that is how tenacity beats mediocrity...

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Love Wins, Love Always Wins

I have been very busy these days, with keeping the house clean, working and getting Valentina ready for school. Every time I have sat down to write, I would create half a post and then think I'll come back and finish it... however; once I find time to write again, I find my thoughts on the post gone. So I start another one... Three times so far... and it isn't that I haven't wanted to write, it has been more that my thoughts are all over the place.

I think it is because I have been watching too much news, something I had basically given up for many years due to the negativity I feel when I watched it... who needs that? Yet, there have been some very important things going on in the world lately, some of which I believe we need to be well informed on. I won't be giving my opinion on anything one way or the other but I will say this... I often have to pull back and watch a funny show like The Big Bang Theory or an old episode of FRIENDS.  We all need a little laugh from time to time so that the negativity doesn't sink in.

I often think of the uplifting quotes from Martin Luther King... I totally agree with what he said above, I will stick with love, hate is too much of a burden. I think too many of us hold on to hate for much too long. We think if we let go of hate, we are saying what happened to make us hate something is okay. It's not saying that at all, I think by holding onto hate that we breed more hate, I don't want that in my life, I want love.

For myself, I think about how my ex step mother Ruth used the excuse that my father cheated on her to abuse my sisters and me ... she held onto hate... I got to a point in my life at the age of 15 where I knew in my heart that hating her would only hurt me... I moved on and forgave her. My life could have gone one way by holding onto hate but thankfully I chose the other path. It was the best choice I made at such a young age... you would think that it would have been easy for me to choose love over hate.

It wasn't as I'm human... I could have hated Andrey for raping me but I found a way to forgive him and move forward, I didn't want to hold that feeling with me for the rest of my life, it was destroying me inside. Once I stopped hating him I was able to deal with the pain and move forward... Another good choice I made as the road I was on lead nowhere but to darkness. I saw so many good things that came from choosing loving myself over hating someone because I feel that's what choosing love over hate is...

I find what's going on in this this world today, there is so much hate out there which makes me believe even more that we need to choose love ... and yes it is a choice, at least is for me. Each time I have 'chosen' love... I have seen more love grow in my life. I honestly hope that others will look within themselves and see that choosing hate won't change anything for the good... choosing love is the only way... The truth is that love wins, love always wins....

 

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If Nothing Ever Changed, There'd Be No Butterflies

I have had a very busy week, hence why I haven't been writing... work has been busy for me, the good thing is... is that I finally have approval to work from home, now the paperwork starts... I am going in really early Monday to see if I can get all the forms filled out... I have been on the site and it says it can take anywhere from 4-6 weeks. So... getting the forms filled out is extremely important, along with that I still have some work left at home to be ready. Before I have anything from work placed in my office, I will take a picture and share it here... afterwards I cannot due to extremely sensitive information. I even have a lock on my office, I will be treating my work like work and leaving it at the end of the day. 

 

School will be starting soon for Valentina,  a little over two weeks... another thing I have to get ready for. She has decided to change her school this year, it is closer to home... where she will be able to walk back and forth most days unless there is inclement weather. As well, she will be able to come home for lunch... so I plan to take my lunch at the same time so that I can spend more time with her... I think this is going to be good for both of us as the past 8 years of traveling has taken a great deal of time from us... and I think teenagers need their parents more than they realize. 

In the past nearly two weeks since I have written... I have had many thoughts about what I wanted/needed to write... some incidents have come up reminding of me feelings I haven't really dealt with since I was not capable at the time... often I think it is best to put issues aside until I am stronger and with time answers often come up to help me make better decisions.  However; as you know bringing up emotions you haven't dealt with are still not easy... even when you are aware that life probably turned out for the best... accepting that isn't as simple as people want to portray it though. 

It's like dealing with my being raped, I have forgiven my ex and moved forward but it's not say that there are not days that it comes flooding back into my mind ... for the most part, I have become stronger... but it changed me in ways that people can't see... It made me much more empathetic to women who have had to deal with what I did in my marriage, I know that life isn't black and white... there are no easy answers. Of course looking back I can see all the signs that lead up to the emotional abuse in my marriage and how it ultimately lead to being raped...

I am not saying I brought that on me in anyway... I am saying that hindsight is twenty/twenty... I have been talking about this with a friend and she and I discussed how both of us were not able to see the men we married for what they really were... until much too late. However; both of us learned a great deal, it is exactly like Maya Angelou says 'When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time' ... I know we should look for the good in others but that doesn't mean you have to let them in your life.

I have learned over time that I need to look after myself first or I will not be any good to anyone else... As well, if I respect my boundaries, people for the most part will respect them too. I believe that when I honor myself and know that I deserve to be treated with total respect, that is what I will get in return... Is that easy?  No, many life experiences alter us but if we can learn to respect ourselves that is where I think we can grow the most... besides if we never changed, there would be no butterflies...

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Sometimes We Must Lose In Order To Gain

I took an unintended break from writing as I was on a short vacation, I am back to work tomorrow... the time off was great, it really helped to rejuvenate me... I stayed up, slept in, spent time with Valentina also caught up on my blog reading and commenting. This was the week that Andrea was supposed to come home for a visit but the price of tickets almost doubled so that is on the back burner for a while... Hopefully next year it will be more feasible... 

So, I finally decided after eating well for the last five weeks that I needed to get weighed again, I am pleased to say I am back on the path of being healthy and I am very happy about it... although I have gained weight, I also know I can take it off since I have done it before... it feels good to know that I am working in the right direction again... I did exercise three days last week, I'm looking forward to building on it more in the future.

A friend of mine found me the nicest corner desk for my office which she spent a few hours setting up for me... it's really starting to come together... now working from home still has to be approved through work (a very long story)... which may not happen but I am going to remain hopeful. Also staying organized is a full time job when you live with a teenager... I plan to keep encouraging her daily until she hopefully wants to keep it up herself... I know...  wishful thinking with a teen but I'm not giving up, it is important to me to keep the house in order.

Sometimes it feels like there are just one too many trials that come my way... I can't let it determine my mood no matter how challenged I feel I am... A few years ago I would have managed it in a poor way by trying to fill the loss with things that ultimately mean nothing and only damage and weigh me down more. I had to decide what is important and I have to keep choosing that daily if I am going to learn to fill the voids with good choices that will lift me up... 

Disappointment is a part of life and dealing with it in an unhealthy way won't make it easier... Besides as hard as it is to not get what you want, life is much too short to be frustrated all the time. The older I become the more I realize that life throws us curve after curve and how I handle it is what will define me. Eventually everything will work out the way it is meant to... I just have to have patience and have a good attitude.

I learned a great deal by decluttering this summer, I realized that I bought and held on to items that actually didn't bring me any joy... they weighed me down... I really felt lighter getting rid of them, I no longer want to go out and purchase an item just to fill an empty void... I want to be conscious of my feelings... I can tell you that it isn't easy in the short term but I can see it being better in the long run...  Unfortunately sometimes we must lose in order to gain...  

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Change My Thoughts, Transform My Life

I have been so busy and then I finally had a three day weekend... Saturday Valentina went off to camp for 4 days, I hope she is having a lot of fun... the weather has turned out to be wonderful for her. I spent the whole day at the salon getting my hair cut and colored... it's a school but they do great work and for a really decent fee.  Sunday I was wiped out, all I did was relax and get caught up will all my blogs... I had taken 3-4 days off reading and commenting... I really needed the time to refresh.

Today I spent more time cleaning and organizing... now that I have things in order, I just want to keep it up... I don't want to go back to where I was, it was overwhelming and depressing. One of the best decisions I made was to hire the lady that has helped me get my life and house in order. Since I am organized with my house, I have a strong desire to cook at home, instead of stopping off at the grocery store every morning for lunch, I pack a tasty and healthy one at home. 

So food wise I am feeling great, I am using My Fitness Pal and I'm tracking my food daily... I am not feeling like I am missing out as I am enjoying the fruit and vegetables that are available this time of the year... What I am struggling with is exercise, I don't know why I can't seem to push through like I did before. I just did it, I never used any excuses and I didn't care if I sweated... Lately all I do is rationalize about not exercising... which frustrates me as I know that moving more is a great way to get in shape and be healthy. 

I feel like I need to find that switch inside of myself that I found a few years ago... I was in the zone, nothing got in my way... I know that all I really need to do is just start, I have done it before, I can do it again... I don't have to go all out like I did before as I think that was a bit much for me and one of the reasons ended up getting hurt. I don't even want push to myself like I did before... I just want to start again and build on it over time. 

I have decided that I am going to exercise 3 times a week for a half hour each time per week to start with... it is something I can do so that I don't get hurt or give up. I would love to do it before I start work as that is the coolest time of the day, I am still waiting to work from home, I am not sure what the hold up is... all I can do it just be ready for when it happens... As soon as I do, I could exercise before work, have a shower, start work and kick off my day with a good start. 

Until that happens, I will have to make an effort to exercise after work, otherwise it could be another month and I would still be in the same place. The last thing I want is be in the exact spot I am right now... and I am the only one who can change it. Sometimes it's difficult to admit that it really is up to me, knowing this means that I need to put the effort in... no one will or can do it for me... I am hoping by changing my thoughts I will transform my life... again ...

 

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Life Is A Circle Of Feelings

I want to thank everyone for the wonderful birthday wishes, they were incredibly sweet... I had a quiet birthday with Valentina, which ended up being exactly what I wanted. I wasn't able to go para sailing as I had originally wished but I wasn't able to find someone to go with... and we ended up having massive thunder and lightening... so I am sure I will get there in time. 

Also, thank you all for the encouragement to keep working towards being organized, I spent Friday with that lady who helped me before, we were able to clean and organize all six closets. Most of the time was spent on Valentina's two closets, teenagers can be pack rats and so messy. I allowed her to have some say as it is her room but I encouraged her to purge as much as possible. Her two closets took more time than the four other closets combined. 

I feel like by being organized that first I feel lighter, I instantly know where my items are and I want to keep it up, second it's easier to clean when there isn't so many items in the way. With all this, I am encouraged to keep eating healthy, which is even more of a reason to keep this up. The exercise is really coming along slowly due to the weight gain which causes pain, however; I have lost some weight by eating properly and I believe it will get easier with time once I lose a little bit more weight. I have decided that a bike is a good way for me to go, it will be less stress on my knees and help my quads to become stronger. That way I can take a couple of bike rides down the trail each day. 

I've had a major challenge that normally would have put me into a tailspin where I would have just ate so that I wouldn't have to feel the sadness and pain but I don't want to fall backwards and I know eating won't help me in the long run, I would just feel more unhealthy and uncomfortable... I am in charge of how I feel and how I will react. Just because someone accepted less doesn't mean that I have too... actually I have to say I feel sorry for the people that accept much less then they deserve. 

With saying all this I will always be there for those people, if a person realizes the choices that they made were not really the best, they need for their family/friends to just be there for them... no judgement ... we all make poor choices in our lives and honestly it is easier to admit it if you know you have someone who will never judge you and try to tell you they told you so... Forgiveness really comes with letting it go and not trying to be the right one... 

I know life is about trials that bring emotions we need to learn how to handle... because if we don't figure out how to deal with them, they just keep coming back to us until we do understand... This past month of organizing has given me a clarity, having less clutter really frees me up to deal with emotions I have buried... ones that were too painful to deal with at the time. Life really is a circle of feelings, knowing this reminds me that sadness really can turn into joy in time...

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