Self Care Is Self Love

I have been putting off blogging all weekend, not because I didn't want to write but because I was trying to get my words out to say what I wanted to say... I have been overwhelmed with blogging lately and not by writing as I only write once a week at the most, it is all I have time for... but because I feel this need to constantly keep up with everyone else's blog, even at the expense of me writing my own. I even wondered if I should stop writing? Yet, I know that writing is what helps me to figure out issues in my life. While I was thinking about it, I came to admit to myself that I am a people pleaser... 

I thought I was past that, I thought I had grown from that.... However; a few of the comments I receive and I stress a few of them are not genuine, they haven't read my entry, they just write a generic comment so that I will visit their blog and comment back....which I have been doing, now saying all this, I love comments, honest, real and open ones where I get to know the person. I have decided that if someone is not taking a moment to actually read the words I write, I won't be publishing the comments any longer. I honestly don't want to waste my time when I could be reading someones words who appreciate that I actually took the time to write. 

I have decided that I have to give myself a break and I will not be able to comment on every single blog I read, it's not realistic for me anymore as I follow an incredible amount of blogs, even I don't know how many... I read a blog this week that kind of opened my eyes, she was pretty honest about her addictions and it made me think about mine... I am always trying to be the perfect blogger, keeping up with everyone, not wanting to let anyone down... Instead, I am letting myself down, I talk about self care here all the time and basically they have just become words, I haven't been practicing. 

This is no ones fault but mine, I need to set boundaries for myself and know that the people that I follow, the ones who really care about me will be there, frankly those are the only people that matter to me in the blogging world. Of course I want my blog to grow in readership but if I rarely write how will it grow more?  ... I am not giving up reading or commenting but I am going to be taking time for myself to read a book, actually visit a friend without my phone turned on... play some board games with Valentina.. 

I have this bucket list of things I want to do and more often then not I sit in front of a computer or with my phone in my hand. That quote above says it all, we are connected to people all over the world through technology and it is awesome, I love it, at the same time though, I find I am not as connected to the people around me. If that makes any sense? I make time for blogging and I don't make time to do other things that entail my making an effort in my own life. You know what that is, that is ignoring the issues I have and covering it up with blogging because it's easier. 

This weekend showed me that I have let everything around me go... on Saturday I didn't even get dressed until I caught up reading, then it was almost five o'clock before I went to get groceries... I followed that with laundry until midnight... oh and in between I commented and read blogs. That is an addiction I use so that I can let everything else slide in my life. Today, I figured out why... if I don't have time to think, I don't have deal with my feelings... I have to deal with my feelings and I need to let go of trying to be the perfect blogger... that doesn't exist. . . Self care is self love....

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Yet I Refuse To Give Up

Well this has been a week of ups and downs, first I wanted to tell you, I am committed on my healthy path. I ate very well and tracked all my food paying attention to eating balanced meals so that I won't feel deprived. Also, I have been exercising, I am walking as often as I can and not using excuses to get out of doing it... I am totally enjoying my walks again. Luckily the weather has been good and I have been able to wear my Nike's also the real Spring is only a short way off...  So the down part, I lost very little weight and I won't lie and say I wasn't disappointed because I was, however; when I thought about it, I realized that even if I don't lose any weight, I am still going to continue on this path. Of course I will lose some eventually but that is not the main reason I am doing this... 

This is a long term way of life, it's not about until.... or when... it is about becoming my healthiest self. I think it is great to have weight loss goals but I have seen people reach their goals only to find out that isn't what fulfills them... Gaining the weight is a symptom of the underlying issues and no amount of weight loss will fix that without doing the work within. As I have written in the past, there are going to be bumps that try to derail me but I don't plan to sit on the sidelines and say oh well... I guess that's it, I failed. 

I haven't failed because I refuse to give up, believe me there have been numerous times in my life that I just wanted to say, that's it... I have had enough and I am pretty sure it will happen again. That is a part of life, I have felt lost and alone for a great deal of my life, I even wonder why I had to take this path, why couldn't I have had the easier path?... however; the truth is, there is NO easy path, I sometimes think there is because some people portray it that way but we all have trials that we have to overcome, many are really good at hiding them. Some of mine seem so much more challenging ...  Yet I refuse to give up...

I have questioned why it seams that way, there are many of my blogging friends that write about their trials and it saddens me that they are dealing with them... It literally breaks my heart and many times I wish I could take on their challenge so that they no longer had to deal with them... I feel that way about my children as I am sure most mothers do but unfortunately we can't do that as there is something that they need to learn... just as there is something I need to learn from mine...

I have been thinking about why it seems that I have to be alone in this life, for me that has been one of my biggest challenges... I don't want to hear it will happen for me, I have come to an acceptance that this is not a part of my future. It's not that I would turn down an opportunity but I honestly am not putting myself out there anymore... I guess my future was meant to be on another road. My sister would say I was giving up but that's not true, I just no longer want to repeat the old patterns from my past.  I do know that I deserve more, I deserve someone who would be kind, dedicated and who would love me as I have been more than willing to offer this to another person...

Frankly, it is their loss... I would be an amazing partner, especially since I have grown and come to a better understanding of what real love is about... it isn't about adoration and being grateful that someone loves me... it is knowing that I deserve to be loved and understanding that both of us would be lucky to find love with each other. Many couples I have met or known... are unaware what real love is... I guess that is what they need to learn... I needed to learn that being alone doesn't make me unlovable...

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Choosing The Road Of Success

I have been wanting to write since Saturday but I promised myself I wanted to get caught up with my blogs that I follow first, that took until today... if I take a day off, I get way behind. I honestly love following everyone and commenting because I think that is what the blogging world is about, it is about supporting each other. However; saying this, I do get overwhelmed at times. I do need to cut back a little here and there, I can't comment on every single post as much as I would like to... I am going to get back to allotting myself a set amount of time. 

What I really wanted to write about today is, as you all know I have been struggling with getting back to exercising and eating healthy... I know it is okay to treat myself from time to time but that doesn't mean daily. I hesitate to say these words as I know they will be taken out of context... but I was out of control... I don't think I need to watch every single thing I eat but I NEED to have limits. This is not for everyone but this is what I need, this is how I succeed. 

For the past three months I was upset because I couldn't walk and I sabotaged myself by eating whatever I wanted to... It didn't make me feel better, those things rarely do. I kept thinking in that mentality that I would get it together when I could start walking and exercising again... then I was given the green light and I still continued to eat whatever I wanted... I didn't exercise, I started feeling uncomfortable in my own skin... my clothes were not feeling good on me .... All of this only intensified my emotions more. So, if you remember, I said I was at a crossroads... I chose a path on Friday, I am tracking my food and being accountable for it now. 

Also, today I was waiting for a bus... I looked down the street and realized the sidewalks were pretty clear, I just took off and started walking... it felt great, I pushed myself ... as I walked I wondered why I had allowed excuses to get in the way again?... because it is easier to ignore my feelings and just eat them... that is what the old me did, ignored everything and ate. I didn't like how I was feeling, how I was coming up with one excuse after another. Finally a catalyst happened in my life a couple of days  ago and I couldn't be more grateful that it did... without it I would still be in that rut... 

I feel like I did when I first started my weight loss journey in 2013, which actually turned into my becoming healthy journey... I was so committed, I never let anything get in the way. The weather is not going to always cooperate with me, especially in the next couple of months but that will not be a good enough excuse for me not to be accountable to myself. One day I will write about what finally got me all fired up, for now it's just good enough that I am goal oriented again. 

I realize the most important thing I need to do is prepare my food in advance ... I won't say it is easy as I have never thought it was easy to eat right and exercise daily but I can tell you that I will feel so much better, I remember what it felt like when I did... this is why I never gave up wanting it back... I might have taken the longer road back to where I want to be but the good thing is that I never gave up and I took the right road... the one that will set me up for success. 

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My Faith Will Be Bigger Than My Fears

I have been wanting to write for the last week, each time I would think tonight would be the night... I would have had a very stressful day at work, I also ended up having vertigo 3 days in the last week and I have been spending a lot of time organizing my social media. First and foremost the physio therapist has given me the green light to start walking again... now if the weather would cooperate, unfortunately there has been a great deal of rain, the long range forecast looks pretty good for now, which I am looking forward to... Second, I have been sabotaging myself when it comes to food.  I am not even sure why, I know I have to figure out why so that I can continue on my healthy path. 

I have had small dips here and there over the past couple of years but this has been a big long dip, I am not sure what it will take... I know that once I get walking again, I will have something more to focus on other than sitting in front of a TV... Here's the funny thing, I don't even like the TV, I find it boring and monotonous, I actually don't watch full shows, I just have it on while I do my social media on my phone. However; that is not a good excuse for me to just throw everything I have learned away. 

There are going to be tough times in my life, food isn't the answer to those issues. I am not berating myself or thinking I am a failure in any way... I just need to figure out a better way to handle disappoints and trials. Walking these past few years has really had me focused, I never even knew how much it kept me on the path until I couldn't do it. I have to learn other methods because as much as I love walking, it isn't always going to be feasible. I don't know what the answer is yet but that is what I am working on at the moment. 

I have had a lot on my mind and I feel like I am at a crossroads, which I think we all come to often in our lives...some bigger than others. In the past I usually let circumstances take over and make the decision of which path I will follow as I never find it easy to make decisions. I know, not always the best way to deal with choices... I can think of a couple of choices in my life that were made for me because I refused to make them for myself... the aftermath of those choices being made for me were life changing and not always in a good way... what did I learn from them?

That is why I am thinking about the place I am in my life and looking down those paths and choices I have. I always thought I was the girl that needed stability... even if it was boring. When my father would up and move to another province or country in a heartbeat or change jobs on a whim... I would think, how does he sleep at night, isn't he worried about what might happen with the choices he made? However; in the last few years, I have come to understand him a great deal more... although he didn't face his past head on... he did live his life the way he wanted to...

I know I have spent my life not making choices because I was too concerned what people might think or say... but as I grow older and understand more and more that the life we have been given was meant to live, to explore and grow. We all have different paths in our lives and no one should tell us which one to take because they feel they know what is best for us... I know the path I want to take, I just need to figure out how to get there... and the truth is that I believe if it is meant to be, a way will be made... My faith just has to be bigger than me fears...

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