Focusing Is A Choice I Make

As you can see from the picture above, I did something this weekend that I have been wanting to do for a few years... I had my hair colored purple and pink... I'm going to keep it up until the Fall... I am very happy with the outcome.

I feel like I am in limbo... you know that feeling where you are not sure which way to go? I know we all go through those times in our lives... some are small choices, some are life changing. I feel like I am in one of those life changing choices. After getting injured in November and then re-injured again two weeks ago ... I have allowed myself to be derailed. The first thing I had to do was accept that I had allowed it to happen... yes, I also understand that there are times in our lives that we can see our lives propelling out of control and cannot seem to find a way to get back on the path. Sometimes it is lack of commitment, desire and often times it is from disappointment... 

My derailment this time has come from disappointment, does it make it any less or more of an excuse... no.. but it is one of my more difficult feelings to overcome. I believe admitting it is something I need to do, then I have to decide what I want more... I know that I don't feel comfortable where I am right now... I don't believe weight should make or break how I feel about myself... because the weight is not who I am... but by allowing disappointment to derail me it has shown me that no matter how on track, on the path or on the right road I think I am... it is a never ending challenge to always stay focused. 

There is always going to be something, some reason, some excuse that I can use to not focus... to say what does it really matter? Is any of that a good enough reason?  I don't know that I can keep denying to myself that the excuses shouldn't matter, I have to really decide what I want. Often times it's a choice we make within ourselves and I am the first one to admit that none of those decisions are easy... we have to deal with trials and challenges to see how much we want something, how much work we are willing to put into our hopes and dreams. 

 

I have had a couple of friends ask me if I would be willing to give love a chance again? My answer to them is I don't think so, I don't know that I want to trust anyone that much again. I think once trust is destroyed and mine was, it makes it incredibly difficult for me to ever want to put my heart out there again. It has been hard getting to this place as I wanted romantic love in my life for many years... I have come to the point that I no longer believe the pain of loss outweighs the chance of love...

First I used getting injured, then winter, then the re-injury as excuses... part of me wonders if I wasn't looking for an excuse to eat whatever I liked... When I started my weight loss journey in the summer of 2013, I seriously did it for me... no one but me. As I lost the weight I stared seeing the opportunities it gave me, one of them was to date, however; I realized that losing the weight does not make it any easier to trust in a relationship. I then gave up the desire to find romantic love... that was when I started using food to fill that void. 

 

I don't want to fill that void or any other void with food... I have become uncomfortable with myself... not because of the weight, that isn't who I am ... but I'm uncomfortable with the choices of eating that I so readily fell back into...  When I think of the many addictions I have or have had... food is an acceptable one because we need to eat... other addictions can be given up a hundred percent... Food is the addiction I need to learn to come to terms with and not abuse it when my life goes out of control... Focusing is a choice I make...

 

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How About We Stop Pretending?

I know most of us put on persona's or facades, sometimes because we think that is what people want to see, others because we want to appear stronger than we might be... sometimes because we fear if we give into how we are really feeling behind the facade that we may always remain there. I am here today, taking the facade off... I am struggling in all parts of my life... not just slightly struggling but all out overwhelming struggles. Do I think I am the only one, not at all... however; I think we don't share it enough because we are sure people will either judge us or try to tell us to just think positively. 

There are times that thinking positively does not make things better... and no I don't think any of us should wallow in negativity, I agree we need to keep reaching and working on attaining a positive attitude. Yet, I think we also need to admit when we are feeling weak and possibly out of control. I actually don't think that it is weak to admit that... it is like people that are dealing with addictions, they need to be able to admit their weakness in the open so that they can gain strength from people . Often it is admitting their weaknesses that helps them to become strong in time. 

 

I have been struggling with every aspect of my life, there is no where that I am excelling... usually I have my writing that helps to elevate me... and in part it still does but... if I am not truthfully saying how I am feeling and what is really going on in my life... am I being authentic? That is not me, if anything I am extremely authentic but lately I haven't been, I have just been muddling through... thinking if I can just keep pushing forward I will get to a place that I don't feel so out of control... However; I just feel more and more overwhelmed. 

Before I go any further, I hope people can understand that no one really knows what is going on inside of someone. Just because everything looks okay on the outside doesn't mean it is... and just because things look good on the outside doesn't mean any of us has the right to make a judgement of that person. Since I have not been really speaking my truth, it has been spilling out to where it is now showing on the outside. Personally if I don't deal with my feelings by being open about them, they come out in other ways. I am sure we can all say the same thing... in no way do I feel that I am the only one. 

I can no longer sit here and say or pretend everything is okay, it isn't... I spoke about how I don't handle disappointment well... lately it keeps coming back to me about how my life is no where near what I had hoped it to be... I understand that often we have to give up what we thought we should be to become what we are supposed to become. I have given up a lot of those dreams and honestly nothing is replacing them. What am I working towards? Just working for another 15 plus years...? What is good about that? 

Plus I was injured again this week, it was a freak incident... I just put my foot down and I hyper extended my knee... I couldn't walk for days and even now that I can, I still feel tenderness and pain... my physio therapist says it will probably be 4-6 weeks before I am back to myself... yes I can walk again but nothing like what I could... I need to be able to walk, it is my stress reliever... I don't know what else to use right now... I feel like I am falling further, wondering if I will find a way to stop free falling ... ?

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The Light Within That Leads Me

After I wrote a couple of weeks ago I felt burned out and so I just stopped reading and commenting on blogs for almost a week... I would read one or two and then stop. After a week I really missed everyone and couldn't wait to catch up, I pulled up my blog list and I had over 150. I had to be selective if I was ever going to get on top of it... Last night I caught up, it felt good... we all need breaks from time to time, it was good for me. As I was reading many of my followers blogs they too were echoing my sentiments and making decisions to cut back... we seemed to be on the same wave length. 

I didn't do a lot but relax and think... I also read many of my older posts, which had me thinking about how far I have come but how far I still had to go... Many challenges I have overcome, others are still controlling me... It made me realize that I cannot just overcome something and think that was it, when I choose to think it's as simple as that, I fail and have to relearn the lesson. For myself I have had a defeatist attitude in the past when I had to go through the same challenge.

I thought about what was gained by having that attitude? Since the truth is that I am able to get through the challenges given to me, even though I may doubt myself time and time again. It has never been that I cannot overcome a trial, the question has always been if I wanted to?  I don't think we choose our trials but I know we choose how and if we deal with them... I have been a master of ignoring them, burying them and defending myself against them... Until I decide to face it, the issue continues to return. I read a blog yesterday where the writer explained how they were tired of trying to overcome their trials, that the pain was too much... this person has been through a great deal, however; I don't think giving up is the answer.

I say this as I know from past experience that deep pain that doesn't seem to allow light in has been a part of my past. I am sure a great deal of us have been there... some of us are better at dealing with it, I always seem to take the long road through the darkness, until I finally see the light at the end of the tunnel... it's only after I get there that I realize the tunnel was the illusion, not the light. I fail to understand why I cannot remember that when I am going through the next challenge... because there will always be another challenge. It's not easy to elevate ourselves over our human nature that continues to doubt.

I have to continue to remind myself that when I feel like I am failing, it's not true, I am learning... because each failure is teaching me something. I have to be open to learning it so that I can move forward to the next one. For me disappointment is one of the most difficult things to get past, there is a constant reminder of what could have been... I know looking back isn't good, hence this is why I have been moving forward but it doesn't always stop the sad feelings...

 

I have a chance for some big changes, I am aligning myself with them... although they may be extremely challenging, I feel these ones will be worth it... I have been wanting to do things that I have not have had the time to do... there is a good possibility I will have the opportunity to have the time I need... I would be grateful for any and all good thoughts ... once I know more I will write about it... I am letting the light from within me lead me...

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