If I Just Believe

Changes are in the wings, most of them exciting, some I am sure I will have to adapt to... what is life without changes?... it really is all about learning to grow and become a better version of ourselves from each challenge that comes our way. I don't like wishing my life to move along faster, especially since I am aging but oh how I wish I was working from home now... I feel like my life is on hold and it shouldn't be ... I just somehow feel like I am in limbo, waiting for this big transition that is sure to change my life in many ways. 

 

I have been using the excuse that I will get on track once I am working from home, until this happens I have been letting myself do as I please... yesterday as I was getting ready to go to the grocery store I was reflecting on where I going in my life... I honestly have lost my way when it comes to my health... I have been walking but not the type you can call exercise... I don't track my walking with Map My Walk... I have been logging on to My Fitness Pal but I am not entering my food. I am uncomfortable with where I am health wise... 

I have talked about how I have strayed but to be honest, I have given up, I didn't even want to admit that to myself... if I admit it, I would have to do something about it...  Frankly I kept telling myself when I had more time I would exercise, I would plan my meals better, I would.... on and on... Those are just excuses to continue down a path that is easier but truthfully not one that I am happy with. Part of me is wondering why I won't just do it?... I have done it before and I loved it... 

I'm not afraid of failing, it is a part of life. I'm not afraid of letting myself or anyone down, I have no desire to impress anyone as I am not looking for anyone else to impress me... Addictions are difficult, they can control us in ways we are not pleased with...  food addiction is one of the more challenging ones to deal with... it is like walking a tight rope, you need to eat but you need to learn to do it in a healthy way... not with massive restrictions.

It's at this point that I have come to understand more now than I ever did... I have to find out why I give up on myself because if I don't, I will never succeed...  because yes I need to eat but it shouldn't be so uncontrollable... I also know I can't wait for a day, a good time or an event... I really just have to start and once I do, I know I will wonder what took me so long. 

For me to be successful, one I need to have the to desire change, two I need to set myself up for success by purchasing the proper food and third I have to decide to exercise again and do it... The last time I did this I started with a contest but that is only a way to start... it's not what will help me to be be committed long term. That has to come from within, I have to want to make these changes for me and for no other reason. I have what it takes if I just believe...

  

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Regret Is Nothing Without Change

Late last night I was laying in bed, I had heard something that was making me think about everything I have dealt with in the past few years.  How it had caused me not to trust myself... when I had to admit that it was because I didn't want to trust anyone else... I thought it would be easier... if I didn't allow myself to trust anyone, I couldn't be hurt right? I started thinking about what I would be remembered for... the girl who refused to trust anyone because she was afraid of being hurt... 

Do I really want to be remembered for that? Is that what I want ... people saying how sad it was that I refused to give life a chance again? I haven't been happy for a long time, I had to conclude it was because I was unwilling to trust again. I don't know that I am completely ready to go full speed ahead with trusting but I know I want to try... even though I have been hurt, disappointed and had my dreams broken... I don't want to live with this sadness anymore... 

I took a step today and joined a dating site, I may not find the great love of my life ... maybe it will be finding a good friend... I don't want to be closed off to trying anymore...  It's very true that I can be happy on my own and that is more likely what will happen ... I just don't want to live with regret... I think that is the saddest way to live life.

I might even be hurt again, that comes with trying... but what I realized is that I'm pretty sure I cannot be hurt as deeply as I was before and even though I am still not healed, I survived that... and I didn't think I could or would. So, it might be scary to really open myself up again but not trying would be more scary... This summer is going to be about facing some of my fears, the first one will be zip lining to work on conquering my fear of heights... the next is putting myself out there even if it means being hurt or rejected.

Also, I have to admit to myself that I had given up on myself in these past few months, it was easier than dealing with what was right in front of me. I have been comforting myself with food because of my fears and sadness... I wouldn't even confront how far I have strayed.... The only way to get back on the path I want to be is to accept the truth and make the necessary changes. I've decided that as soon as I'm working at home (which will be soon) I will be making my health a priority ...  

I am going to start with small steps and the first thing is being honest with myself, the second is making a plan and the third and most important is living that plan. I don't want to go back to where I was, I wasn't happy or healthy... I might have given up on myself but I don't have to stay there... I can make the changes I need to make... so that I don't live my life with regret... 

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How Do I Trust Me?

I have been quiet, not writing here... in the last week I actually wondered if I would be able to write anytime soon... I have written, just not here because I wasn't sure how to get my point across about how I feel right now. Last week I had an incident happen that made me think and question where I am in my life emotionally. There's a part of me that believes that truth always wins out, however; I have had to admit that sometimes it takes many years and possibly not in this lifetime...

This thought saddened me as I realized that I have been holding out hope that it would happen sooner rather than later.... with that thought, I reflected on trust and not so much about trusting others as often people end up letting us down. I think that is why I had not truly trusted anyone until 'him' ... what I concluded was that with the broken trust that happened with us, I have not been able to trust myself... I was wrong on so many fronts, I have made choices in my life that I question.... I know that our choices in the past is what gets us to where we are today. 

What I have been questioning is, if I cannot trust myself, how am I ever going to trust anyone else again?  I know that I have been blessed in my life and I have overcome a great deal of trials... I excelled passed many of them but this has been incredibly difficult to rise above. I hesitated to write here about this because I know there are people who will say I just need to think positively, I just need to move on or I just need to take that leap of faith and trust myself... basically fake it until I make it... 

I don't think you can fake trust, I don't believe that is a way to deal with it, approaching it that way, is only stuffing it down or sweeping it under the rug... this always comes back until it is worked through. Although, I have to say... I am not sure how to overcome this... broken trust is one of the hardest things to deal with, especially when I have lost trust in myself. I did believe in myself fully even when I didn't always make the best choices, until my trust was broken in a way that made me question every other choice I made.

Lately all I can think about is what I can do to get passed this and truthfully I don't have an answer... nothing I come up with helps me to believe that I can truly trust myself... Without somehow finding a way to believe in my ability to make a good choice, where will this leave me? I think in limbo, which I know is not a way to live... I have attempted to deal with this for a few years now, I always end up packing it away, thinking I'll figure it out later.

Later has come a few times and I am still here trying to find a way to trust myself... I can't keep putting it away, it all came to a head almost two weeks ago and I have been teary about it... I think that is why I keep pushing it away, a part of me isn't sure I can handle the emotions that come with opening myself up. When this happened over two years ago I cried all the time and I didn't sleep. It's scary to think I could go back there but I might have to ... I hope I am up to the challenge...

 

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