Life Is A Beautiful Struggle

Since I have been waiting to see the doctor, I have almost been in limbo... I know that she won't be able to figure out immediately what my issue is and truthfully I am frustrated. Part of me is fearful that it may take a long time for a diagnosis... if there is even one. I am trying to be positive and hopeful that she will be able to find a solution to my pain. The whole thing is depressing me, making me feel as if this is it and there might not be a way out.

I don't want to think like that but I know people who live with chronic pain... I have and I have had empathy for them, with a great deal of gratitude that it wasn't one of my trials. I couldn't imagine how they dealt with it, now that I have been dealing with it, it brings tears to my eyes... and I am saddened that many people have to handle such physical burdens. Once again life has intervened and thrown another wrench it to change it again.

I thought because I had to cope with one struggle after another and since I didn't end up with the dreams I had hoped for... I believed I deserved a life without debilitating trials, I wanted to travel in a few years. Once Valentina was grown up, I had nothing holding me here anymore... I figured maybe that was the way it was meant to be, I didn't believe that if I was with someone that I could travel to wherever I wanted to... whenever I wanted...

We don't always get what we think we deserve and life continues to give us trials ...  often they don't make sense until long after we get through them. I believe if I had the choice to take other paths in my life, knowing what I know now...  I wouldn't go down other paths. Truthfully if I was asked while I was going through them I would have run in another direction as quickly as possible... it only makes sense much later with deep reflection. I never did figure out why losing 'him' from my life was needed, I just ended up putting it on a back burner... otherwise, it would have destroyed me.

With my health deteriorating ... it has me questioning why? Not that there is an answer, it's just another challenge I have to cope with. I might sound a little selfish here but frankly, I don't want to go through this, for once I wanted one of my dreams to work out... I never took my health for granted, especially in the past couple of years where I worked so hard to be healthy, I felt blessed that I had put it all together at one time after many years.

One conclusion I have come to over and over but more now than ever, if there is something you want to do in your life, do it... don't wait. There will never be a good time, something will always come up. I often let everyday living take over, instead of seizing the opportunity... I do know that if I can get my health back on track, I won't be waiting for anything, I will just do the things I've dreamed of... hopefully, I will be given the opportunity to follow those dreams and more ...

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Being Kind To Myself

I have been thinking a lot about how I have been feeling about myself lately... I know I have been harder on myself than I would ever be on anyone else, I think I expect too much of myself and I don't cut myself a break because I sometimes believe I have too many excuses. I haven't wanted to use justification so that I have a reason not to change. However; these past two weeks have shown me that I am not rationalizing anything... I'm honestly in a great deal of pain. Walking more than a few blocks have become intolerable, just standing up is an effort... I have kept thinking this will pass so that I can get back on track.

 

I took an additional two days of vacation off with my weekend, I really needed the time off from work to think and relax  ... While I was off, I tried to do a little shopping and I finally had to admit to myself that this is worse than what I had been admitting to myself, there's something more going on that I need to take the time to find out, it's not normal to have this much pain. When I get back to work tomorrow, I will be looking to take a vacation day next week or the one after where I can make an appointment with my doctor. 

The good thing is my friend and I are planning on joining the Canada Games Center this month, swimming will be about the only thing I can deal with right now as I don't need any added stress on my joints. Once I join, I plan to go there 3-4 times per week, I would love to say more but I don't want to push it... I can always add to it later. Also, my friend loves to swim in the lakes once the water is warm enough, so we definitely plan on doing that often this summer. Until I find out what is going on with me physically I am not going to overdue it with anything. I'll probably have to see a physiotherapist... I am hopeful I can turn this around. 

 

Also, Valentina saw the orthodontist and we have two options, one that we are leaning towards but we are waiting until the dentist receives the file, then we can make an informed decision. The good thing is that either method will fix the issue she is having, which I am grateful for... I know how important it is to have nice and healthy teeth, it makes such a difference with your self-esteem. Since I grew up with less than stellar looking teeth due to the fire I survived, I want different for my children if at all possible. 

I have been reading a great deal blogs over the past two weeks and quite a few of them involved learning to accept and love ourselves for who we are... and not putting ourselves down if we fail from time to time. If we are afraid to fail, we will never succeed. If I slip up it doesn't mean I am weak and unlovable, it means I just need to find a different way to succeed. There will be a way, it will just take time to figure out ... Admitting there is a physical issue is the first thing I need to do so that I can find out what is happening and then I can find what will work for me. 

Spring is just around the corner, we have been pretty lucky with the winter here this year which I have been really grateful for... it has been a blessing that I have not had to go out in it daily... with how I feel I don't know that I could have dealt with the commute much longer. I'm not going to be disappointed with myself, this isn't something I can just talk myself into... it's the same with depression when someone feels like this, they can't just tell themselves to get up and do things... they need to get help. The answer is that I need to be kinder to myself, the way I am with others...

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