I Will Be Me

 

It's been a long time since I sat down to write, I lost my muse ... it was easier to veg out in front of Netflix and binge watch show after show. If I did that, I didn't have to think about what I was doing with my life, I haven't been able to really stand up and say what I was thinking or feeling... One because pain messes you up more than I ever could have imagined, it makes you someone who can barely think of anything else. I keep chasing the next idea that supposedly has helped this person or that person but I ultimately end up back where I started.

Also, the last couple of weeks has brought back the rape as I am sure many women (people) are dealing with the past... you are so sure you dealt with it, then you hear people belittle the survivors and it opens every wound. If people could just understand how difficult it is to come forward and tell their story, it took me over a year to lay charges and then I was in limbo until we had to go to court... that was like being raped all over again... I saw no empathy. He ended up getting away with it, the only reason he had to spend time in jail was because I lost it when they said they would let him out on timed served, I was able to give a victim impact statement... Finally, he ended up spending a year in jail on top of what he'd already served.

All too often, men get away with the assault or rape, we see it over and over and as women we wonder if it is worth it to be treated like we are liars and to feel the pain all over again. I think there is a shift with the #metoo movement and I think it is about time. Until we feel we are seen, heard and believed, nothing will change. I think we all need to share our stories, nothing is too small, we need to show everyone that we are strong, stronger than our pasts and that we stand together in unity with each other.

I've also been thinking about how I gave up my writing, something I love so much, whether out on the blog or privately, it is my place to write my truths, my pain, my joys... somewhere I can lay everything out, it is usually with the writing that the answers I have looked for have come to me... I feel like writing it out seems to show me the paths I have in front of me, they become more clear and I can make more informed choices. I often felt like writing but it meant putting stress on getting back into blogging fully. I don't know if I can handle that all at once but I will pick it up slowly again... Even though blogging seems to have slowed down a great deal in the past couple of years, I will always write, even if it's just for me...

It is Fall time in Nova Scotia, that perfect walking weather... I am going to purchase a walker so that I can get around a little, I am housebound and I have been holding off with the walker because I feel like it makes me feel like I am 80 but if I don't so something right now, when I am 80 I will be stuck in a bed all the time... I don't want that, I need to get my mobility back I need to not care what anyone else thinks...

I hope I can get around and visit everyone in the next week or so, I know many of you have left blogging and that will be a bit sad for me but life changes for us, things that are important at one time in our lives has to take a back seat to the new things that are going on.  My new motto is I Will Be Me...

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Serving Others Is A Form Of Love

I really enjoyed getting caught up with so many of you, I am still working at getting back into the hang of blogging, I have been trying not to overwhelm myself too much. I need to find some middle ground... which isn't the easiest thing for me as I have always been an all or nothing kind of girl, which means if I can't keep up I give up and do something else. I have been contemplating how to change that aspect of myself... there is nothing wrong with wanting to attain the highest level but giving up because I feel like it's a failure on my part isn't what I want for myself anymore. 

I will never give up writing, it has been the one constant part of my life that has helped me to grow, I have been able to see another way to handle a test or trial. Even when I wasn't physically writing the past few months, I spent a lot of time writing in my mind, thinking of what it would take for me to finally get back to actually writing on the computer. Blogging wasn't my first thought as I feel that blogging is meant to be interactive, I couldn't just write and walk away... so I wrote a couple of times in my private blog just to write, it helped being able to get it out and see it in words. 

My church believes in journals or keeping diary for ourselves that ultimately our family would be able to read our thoughts and ideas sometime in the future... I know my mom wrote a few letters to my sister Kimmy and when she passed on I got a copy of the notebook, it was such beautiful memories that I could read at anytime and pass down to my own children in time. I can see the importance of keeping my private ideas and thoughts for my family in the future. What I learned from this over the years is that I see how alike we are... yes we all have differences but ultimately we go through many of the same trials. Which is why I think writing about how we deal with something might help someone else... I know that I have learned from others writings and I have found a way to make it through a test I was unsure I would be able to get through. 

I have been feeling cut off with my health issues and I have felt like I failed... I had gained my life life back by becoming healthy and now I feel like I am back where I was and actually further from my goals. A friend who went through something similar sent me a website with some ideas of how to strengthen my back so that my sciatica won't be so painful and a very good friend dropped over and told me not to give up, she would be ready to walk with me when the time came that I wasn't in such a great deal of pain. I honestly had given up on my health and thought to myself that this was the way my life was going to be.... but I can't give up because it's hard, it's not going to be simple, it's going to be painful and it's going to take a great deal of work but I want my life back... it's time for me start doing something, even if it's small and not to get discouraged when it takes longer than I think it should. 

I haven't been attending my church because I felt it was too painful... I have people that are willing to pick me up and take me home part way... at least I can get out weekly and see other people so that I am not feeling as though I am so trapped in my home. I need that connection with other people, even if it is only for a short time each week... It will be good for me to hear other thoughts and ideas so that I am not sitting at home, convincing myself there is no way out. I want to help others, so that I will think of myself less... 

I feel like service is the way for me to better myself in the long run... I might not be able to do anything to physical at the moment but I can talk to people and I can take the time to write my story for my children. There is a lot of my life on this blog but I don't write about everything as there are personal things I don't want everyone to know but I do want my children to know it all one day... as I am sure they will have to deal with many of the same trials in their lives and I want them to know that there is always a way through, no matter how difficult the test is... I have been served with love by many people over the years, it's time for me to serve others the same way... 

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We Can Be Healed From Our Brokenness

It's been a very long time since I have sat down at my computer to write, I am not even sure why it has taken so long, I think constantly about writing but I had difficulty putting my thoughts into words. I keep thinking about how I have been holding onto anger and disappointment for a long time, I haven't been angry at anyone, more angry with my situation. It leaves me feeling guilty because I am well aware that there are people handling things much more difficult in life than I am. 

I guess I thought my life was headed in another direction, I had worked so hard to be healthy so that I could eventually travel and see all the places I have desired to see. Instead I am semi trapped in my home without the ability to leave when I want to, I have to plan a trip out to the store or the doctors and hope that I can handle it until I can make it home. I am forever grateful that I can work from home, I think about how much worse it could be for me if I wasn't blessed in that way. I count my blessings daily because I know deep down how lucky I am.

I remembered a talk that was given by a member of my church many years ago about how although we may be broken in many ways, physically with our bodies, emotionally with our hearts and often our minds.... these are tests and trials we have to deal with to grow. Growth is never easy, if it was was we wouldn't appreciate it, we would believe it was simple ... I remember when I was in my 20's and my baby sister was dealing with an abusive relationship, you know what I thought... she just needs to leave... I had no empathy.  I was almost angry that she stayed in that situation for as long as she did... Then I met Andrey and I grew to understand how come she stayed... I gained empathy and I knew it was incredibly strong of her to finally leave. With the empathy I gained, I too found the strength to leave. 

Sometimes life throws us curves, ones we don't understand why we have to deal with them... we shut down, hold on to anger, close people out because we feel like no one would understand... we think that people will just say grow up, deal with it... someone has it harder than you do... when all that we need is kindness, empathy and love.  We are all dealing with trials or tests that seem so unbearable we are sure we won't make it through to the other side and once we do, we gain knowledge that we never would have gained without going through it. It's not easy, it's tougher than we know but ultimately what we gain is so much more than what the trial was... 

I think about my mom and dad losing their daughter Kimberly at such a young age, she was a little over three... it nearly destroyed them but my mother came through it stronger and knowing that she would see Kimberly again one day... my father instead was an alcoholic and drug addicted, doing everything he could not to deal with the loss ... he was sad and broken, it took me years to see that, I used to think, why doesn't he just get it together... he didn't know how... I believe both my parents have seen Kimmy once they passed on... 

What all this makes me think about is do I want to live my life, sad... angry... disappointed because it doesn't seem like my life is turning out the way I had hoped and planned? Or do I want to remember that although I feel broken in many ways, I can be healed and still find wonderful things to be happy about and feel blessed for... I may not travel the way I had hoped but I can take the time to know people from those places and learn about their heritage... I am so much more blessed then I tend to remember. Although I have had trials and tests that broke me at times, I have found the meaning and healed .... we can all be healed from our brokenness...

 

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