It's been a very long time since I have sat down at my computer to write, I am not even sure why it has taken so long, I think constantly about writing but I had difficulty putting my thoughts into words. I keep thinking about how I have been holding onto anger and disappointment for a long time, I haven't been angry at anyone, more angry with my situation. It leaves me feeling guilty because I am well aware that there are people handling things much more difficult in life than I am.
I guess I thought my life was headed in another direction, I had worked so hard to be healthy so that I could eventually travel and see all the places I have desired to see. Instead I am semi trapped in my home without the ability to leave when I want to, I have to plan a trip out to the store or the doctors and hope that I can handle it until I can make it home. I am forever grateful that I can work from home, I think about how much worse it could be for me if I wasn't blessed in that way. I count my blessings daily because I know deep down how lucky I am.
I remembered a talk that was given by a member of my church many years ago about how although we may be broken in many ways, physically with our bodies, emotionally with our hearts and often our minds.... these are tests and trials we have to deal with to grow. Growth is never easy, if it was was we wouldn't appreciate it, we would believe it was simple ... I remember when I was in my 20's and my baby sister was dealing with an abusive relationship, you know what I thought... she just needs to leave... I had no empathy. I was almost angry that she stayed in that situation for as long as she did... Then I met Andrey and I grew to understand how come she stayed... I gained empathy and I knew it was incredibly strong of her to finally leave. With the empathy I gained, I too found the strength to leave.
Sometimes life throws us curves, ones we don't understand why we have to deal with them... we shut down, hold on to anger, close people out because we feel like no one would understand... we think that people will just say grow up, deal with it... someone has it harder than you do... when all that we need is kindness, empathy and love. We are all dealing with trials or tests that seem so unbearable we are sure we won't make it through to the other side and once we do, we gain knowledge that we never would have gained without going through it. It's not easy, it's tougher than we know but ultimately what we gain is so much more than what the trial was...
I think about my mom and dad losing their daughter Kimberly at such a young age, she was a little over three... it nearly destroyed them but my mother came through it stronger and knowing that she would see Kimberly again one day... my father instead was an alcoholic and drug addicted, doing everything he could not to deal with the loss ... he was sad and broken, it took me years to see that, I used to think, why doesn't he just get it together... he didn't know how... I believe both my parents have seen Kimmy once they passed on...
What all this makes me think about is do I want to live my life, sad... angry... disappointed because it doesn't seem like my life is turning out the way I had hoped and planned? Or do I want to remember that although I feel broken in many ways, I can be healed and still find wonderful things to be happy about and feel blessed for... I may not travel the way I had hoped but I can take the time to know people from those places and learn about their heritage... I am so much more blessed then I tend to remember. Although I have had trials and tests that broke me at times, I have found the meaning and healed .... we can all be healed from our brokenness...
Follow along!